now i see

it has been a very full weekend for me emotionally. i have really come full circle with having a panorama of feelings. friday was a very important anniversary for me in my clean life. i have managed to stick with a stop using plan for longer than any other time that i had told myself i would stop previously. this was entirely because i enlisted the help of a tutor and a manual. that made all the difference in the world.

i went to a family reunion of sorts which is unusual here in colorado. my oldest uncle came into town and we went for a get together. i hadn't seen or really spoken to him in probably 7 or 8 years. plus i hadn't seen a cousin who lives about 20 blocks from me for about that same length of time. and there is another cousin that i hadn't seen since her daughter's high school graduation about 4 years ago.

all of these visits all rolled into one, were quite moving for me. one cousin is still struggling with her bipolar disorder and her emotions. i know very well this is such a difficult terrain to maneuver because we try to navigate it with our egos and blame our hearts. from my experience that is just not the way to work it. we have to let go of our egos, ask for help, and lift up our hearts if we are to learn to scale the walls of sanity. this is not easy to explain to someone who is in the middle of their mania or in depression, though. not an easy thing to do at all.

i went to my home group yesterday morning which i have been attending for about 2 1/2 of the 3 years of clean time i have put together. it was a really emotional meeting because i shared an honest observation i have had. there i was in a room full of gentle giants of the heart, who all had given of themselves to me. given of their wisdom, their experience, and their love without ever asking anything in return. only the silent understanding that i would share any of these things that i have gotten from them with someone else when the time came. and that is what i try to do.

i also shared that i had been a sexual abuse survivor when i was a young boy. part of that for me included blaming myself for the events and feeling that i had been responsible for them somehow and that i had deserved them. these thoughts had led me to believe that i would always feel this way and i started getting high to snuff these out. it worked for awhile, but what also happened was that my behaviors and my lack of awareness brought more trauma into my life. further sexual abuse events, sexually aberrant behaviors, intimacy issues, hiv, a multitude of anonymous sexual contacts, and horrid self image constantly covered up with more substance abuse.

sounds lovely doesn't it? oh, don't get me wrong. i had a lot of fun, too. i held good jobs. participated in charity functions, social activities, groups and cultural events, but underneath it all, i held all the feelings and guilt described in the earlier paragraphs.

only since i have gotten a tutor to assist me in going through this design for living, have i been able to give myself permission to think about myself in a different way. only through the 12 steps have i been able to consider actual change an option. only through this process have i been able to lay down the cat-o-nine-tails that i have been flogging myself since i was 9.

i cannot tell you what a blessing this is for me. there is no real way to describe what a relief it is to no longer believe that i have less worth than anyone else. or to believe that my heart is tarnished and that i am damaged goods. these are not my first thoughts about myself or my life anymore. and i will shout it from the rooftops if need be. this is a program that works. this is a trip worth taking. this is a road worth walking. this is a life worth living.

thank you for taking the time to read this. it felt great to get it out.

Thank you for being here.


Amazing Grace Lyrics

"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.



T'was Grace that taught...
my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear...
the hour I first believed.



Through many dangers, toils and snares...
we have already come.
T'was Grace that brought us safe thus far...
and Grace will lead us home.



The Lord has promised good to me...
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be...
as long as life endures.



When we've been here ten thousand years...
bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise...
then when we've first begun.



"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.
(end)