on resentments....

as many of you know, holding a grudge can be one of the most toxic activities we indulge in. i am learning this again at this stage of my life. i had a couple of reservations when i was doing my 4th step, and i developed a couple of new resentments as i have breathed life into my long-term recovery. on the surface, it is so very simple for me to comprehend the necessity for forgiveness and release of judgement, but at my core- now this is another matter entirely.

as i moved into my 3rd yearr of sobriety, i encountered a situation with someone that triggered some past ptsd and abuse feelings. this then released emotions that i had buried (and blotted out) for years. i couldn't even so much remember the actual origin, but the residual feelings of broken trust, feeling used and ridiculed emerged with a quiet fury and have held me captive in certain regards since that point. i had intellectually moved to the understanding that working through this old pain now is actually a gift from this entire situation, but just like sandy in ":grease" sang- my head keeps saying - fool forget him but my heart keeps saying don't let go.  although i am not sure which way that really is when applied to my situation. i would venture to guess that my ego- which has dutifully protected me since my grammar school years- is the one responsible for this ongoing revisiting of old pain.

but at this time, i am truly coming to understand some of the complexities of my own emotional make-up. i am flawed. another easy thing to say, but quite another to actually see and feel and become willing to let go. but practicality has begun to emerge. it is no longer realistic to covet ancient hurt. it is more problematic. but more applicable is the idea that i wish to be freed from this prison to which i have been sentenced for about 80 percent of my life. feeling pain and moving through it has got to be far less poisonous than blocking it out and stuffing it, only to recycle it at the next juncture of similar conflict.  but this is how one segment of my life has played out. sadly, it involves my heart and my precious sense of self worth.

so i have run across this worksheet for the fourth step inventory. as you may or may not remember, this particular step addresses this poison of which i speak. it is not uncommon for persons to have missed or avoided items when they first work their program. humbly, i acknowledge some of my own shortcomings here. but sanity requires diligence here for me. i respectfully ask the universe to remove the barriers to loving others- especially those i deem perpetrators. this inability to forgive and forget has become a cancer that must be expunged.

Let your mind start a journeyt
hrough a strange new world!
Leave all thoughts
of the world you knew before!
Let your soul take you where you
long to be !
Only then can you belong to me ...

Floating, falling, sweet intoxication!
Touch me, trust me savour each sensation
Let the dream begin,
Let your darker side give in
to the power of the music that I write -
the power of the music of the night ...
You alone can make my song take flight -
help me make the music of the night .

. .


Fourth Step Worksheet -



today's sound choice seems fairly connected. denial and resentment cloak the sunlight of spirit without much resistance sometimes. they seem to become sensible and logical. and who understands this better than the phantom of the paris operas. here is michael crawford singing andrew lloyd weber's "music of the night"




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let it be

now most of the crazy drama of the last six weeks should be over. thank goodness is what i want to say mostly. it feels like i have just taken a really big shit. it also feels like i have been in a twilight zone episode. i hope i can write about it someday and do it justice. it remains unsettling to walk away from crazy without feeling crazy. i'm not sure how that all works.

i am going to a SIN brunch today. (YEAH!)- i find i look forward to these now. then i am going bowling with my friends to celebrate their youngest son's fifth birthday. cake and presents always make me smile- even when they are not for me. and rmru is hosting bingo tonite. the fundraising chair has asked me to call the bingo for at least 1/2 hour. i could use a few laughs.

and here is what i'm working on in my quiet time:

Whether we come through the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous or Al-Anon Family Groups chances are we bring a lifetime of "stinking thinking" with us. Frankly, it takes awhile for the "fog" to begin to lift, so that we begin to see ourselves and the world around us more clearly.
If we have sincerely completed the first three steps and have truly made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him, then it is time to put that principle into action. We must find the courage to take a fearless look at ourselves and become willing clean up the garbage we find.

In order to proceed, we must identify the problems and get a clear picture of how our behavior effected ourselves and others around us. That picture is not always in focus for newcomers early in recovery, but as we continue to hang around the rooms, listening and learning from others, and keeping an open mind, we find more layers of the "onion" being peeled away. for more read here:

there are times when the truth isn't the only witness or the only player on the stage. i guess my job is to just do my best with what i have and leave as little wreckage behind me as possible. no one person saves the world and it's really crucial to pick one's battles.

PRAYER OF ST. FRANCIS OF ASSISI

Lord, make me a channel of thy peace,
that where there is hatred, I may bring love;
that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness;
that where there is discord, I may bring harmony;
that where there is error, I may bring truth;
that where there is doubt, I may bring faith;
that where there is despair, I may bring hope;
that where there are shadows, I may bring light;
that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.
Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort
than to be comforted;
to understand, than to be understood;
to love, than to be loved.
For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life.

an old song today. but it's reworked here. i think it's moodier, and i like the intensity. and i think there are no finer words for me to utter today than "let it be". have a fantastic sunday.

When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

the rest of the lyrics here:

healing

photographs are taken by joachim baldauf and published in der subjektive mann a study of the male form available at www.printkultur.de




i just got off the phone with my sponsor. i love talking with him. he is so supportive of my efforts and always has such perceptive things to add to some of my quandaries and challenges. we discussed my decision to pour beer at a fundraiser. the part he focused on was not my concerns about the possible ramifications, but more on the fact that i prayed on the question before i made a decision. and honestly, this is a practice i have taken on since i have been taken under his wing on my journey back to life.

we also discussed the upcoming cape cod trip and he asked me again about my sexual and relationship ideal. this is a part of step four that most times seems to get overlooked. he stressed that this is an imperative if a guy is to have some direction when he is in the field. if i don't know what i'm looking for in some specific framework, i am likely to get sidetracked and perhaps even jump the tracks i'm travelling on.

this may all seem a bit dramatic and over-the-top. maybe it is. i don't buy that though. i think it must be sound thinking. i have attempted to use the pheromone technique of mate selection for a long time. i haven't really had very fruitful (or even thoughtful) results. i would like to see change happen in this area of my life. truth be told, i have not actually sat down and drawn out a description of my ideal. i did try, but i couldn't do it. i have balked at the exercise because i have trouble thinking i deserve happiness. i have honest deep seated feelings of inadequacy and lesser value. this is not dramatic. this is a square-in-the-face look at my own situation.

so i know that trusting my instinct doesn't work for me around this part of my life. i know that my first feelings are not a healthy resting place for my self reflection. but they have resided there for so long like refugees in the mountains. it might be time to flush them out. i need change in my life. i need to make this journey personally, so i can understand the challenge for others. i need to believe in myself. and i hope to carry this message with me. i now know firsthand that these difficult and heartbreaking and life altering quests that we endure and survive, can actually transform our thinking and our hearts into gentle giants with comparison to our former selves. i believe this is a journey worth taking. i trust it is an adventure. i hope it leads to transformation.

in the spirit of page 69 (gotta love it!) i lifted this from misery is optional

Sexual Conduct

The Big Book tells us on page 69 that we all have sex problems and that we wouldn't be human if we didn't. Nevertheless, some people may wonder why it is necessary to examine our sex conduct in order to get over alcoholism. First reason is that many of us have feelings of guilt and shame connected with past conduct and with thoughts that run through our heads in connection with sex. Guilt and shame are resentments against ourselves and so we must write these down as we do other resentments as part of our step 4. We are told on page 75 that we must illuminate every dark cranny of the past and reveal each one to a trusted person in order to get over our drinking. We are also given the good news: that as result of this process we can finally look the world in the eye.

However, we must go further still. Even if we initially feel no guilt or shame, we must look for those occasions when, as the Big Book says, "we had been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate; hurtful -- and where we had aroused jealousy, bitterness and suspicion." We had to be thorough here too. In fact we are told that we must subject each relation (that is, each sexual act) to this test. We had to be as fearless and thorough about this part of our moral inventory as any other. We start looking at past behaviour in a new light. Did we use someone for sex? If so, it is selfish. The fact that the other person willingly goes along with the arrangement does not necessarily alter the fact that it is selfish. It might be a case of two people cynically using each other. Even if we couldn't say that our conduct was selfish, we had to ask ourselves was it even inconsiderate? Here's another situation: in heterosexual sex whatever precautions are taken, there is always some chance of the creation of human life. We had to be considerate, in line with what the Big Book tells us, and consider whether or not we would behave lovingly or selfishly towards that newly created human life?

Later on, as part of Step 5, we give an account of our secret thoughts to our sponsors. Many revealed things to our sponsors that we had never told anyone before. (This is applicable also to all our darkest thoughts, not just those of a sexual nature). To be told that nobody can help the thoughts that pop into their heads and to discover that we were not the only ones who think like this is a great relief. In fact despite all that we had revealed, many of us were told that we were just "pretty average alcoholics".

It is through this process that we have started to look at our past sex conduct in a new light, and we can start to form an idea of what will be the best approach in our future sex conduct - the book calls this a sane and sound ideal. We must be prepared to try to work towards this ideal in the future. We can rest easy that however many times we fall short, as long as we continue to try, we will not drink. However, if we are not prepared at least to try to change, and our sex conduct continues to harm others, we are told categorically that we are quite sure to drink. This warning tells us why this part of our inventory is so important.

We are told that counsel with persons is often desirable here and we found our sponsors invaluable in directing us to these questions in accordance with what the Big Book says and helping us to analyse each situation properly. We were inclined to hide bad motive behind good in this area more than any other and an objective viewpoint from our sponsors helped us to cut through that. In the final analysis though, each individual must answer these questions honestly for themselves. We sometimes we hear that no one can judge our sex situation, but in fact this is not quite true and we are not left completely to ourselves. The Big Book tells us that there is a judge: God. As the book says: God alone can judge our sex situation.