on resentments....

as many of you know, holding a grudge can be one of the most toxic activities we indulge in. i am learning this again at this stage of my life. i had a couple of reservations when i was doing my 4th step, and i developed a couple of new resentments as i have breathed life into my long-term recovery. on the surface, it is so very simple for me to comprehend the necessity for forgiveness and release of judgement, but at my core- now this is another matter entirely.

as i moved into my 3rd yearr of sobriety, i encountered a situation with someone that triggered some past ptsd and abuse feelings. this then released emotions that i had buried (and blotted out) for years. i couldn't even so much remember the actual origin, but the residual feelings of broken trust, feeling used and ridiculed emerged with a quiet fury and have held me captive in certain regards since that point. i had intellectually moved to the understanding that working through this old pain now is actually a gift from this entire situation, but just like sandy in ":grease" sang- my head keeps saying - fool forget him but my heart keeps saying don't let go.  although i am not sure which way that really is when applied to my situation. i would venture to guess that my ego- which has dutifully protected me since my grammar school years- is the one responsible for this ongoing revisiting of old pain.

but at this time, i am truly coming to understand some of the complexities of my own emotional make-up. i am flawed. another easy thing to say, but quite another to actually see and feel and become willing to let go. but practicality has begun to emerge. it is no longer realistic to covet ancient hurt. it is more problematic. but more applicable is the idea that i wish to be freed from this prison to which i have been sentenced for about 80 percent of my life. feeling pain and moving through it has got to be far less poisonous than blocking it out and stuffing it, only to recycle it at the next juncture of similar conflict.  but this is how one segment of my life has played out. sadly, it involves my heart and my precious sense of self worth.

so i have run across this worksheet for the fourth step inventory. as you may or may not remember, this particular step addresses this poison of which i speak. it is not uncommon for persons to have missed or avoided items when they first work their program. humbly, i acknowledge some of my own shortcomings here. but sanity requires diligence here for me. i respectfully ask the universe to remove the barriers to loving others- especially those i deem perpetrators. this inability to forgive and forget has become a cancer that must be expunged.

Let your mind start a journeyt
hrough a strange new world!
Leave all thoughts
of the world you knew before!
Let your soul take you where you
long to be !
Only then can you belong to me ...

Floating, falling, sweet intoxication!
Touch me, trust me savour each sensation
Let the dream begin,
Let your darker side give in
to the power of the music that I write -
the power of the music of the night ...
You alone can make my song take flight -
help me make the music of the night .

. .


Fourth Step Worksheet -



today's sound choice seems fairly connected. denial and resentment cloak the sunlight of spirit without much resistance sometimes. they seem to become sensible and logical. and who understands this better than the phantom of the paris operas. here is michael crawford singing andrew lloyd weber's "music of the night"




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