image credit: gladys
Wisdom tells me I am nothing.
Love tells me I am everything.
And between the two, my life flows.
only once have i ever really had a romantic relationship. i was 19 or so. i have always gotten ridiculous crushes and tried to make friends or more with guys by the clever technique of having sex. but on one occasion in my life i completely did have an honest-to-goodness live-in boyfriend who i was mad for.
we had met while working together at a gay bar in chicago called "cheeks". (lol) and we kinda flirted a bit for awhile and then decided to play for a while. and then the dating and the moving in together just kinda came freely. we shared a 3 bedroom apartment in the de paul university area with 2 hetero female nurses. it was all very reminiscent of "tales of the city" with the comings and goings of all the friends and lovers. i think we were together for 2 years. i thought it would last forever. or maybe i didn't really think that, i can't say for sure.
i know that when he quit the bar to work in a restaurant on rush street, our lives changed, too. he was a flirt. and that's what he remained. i understand that because i'm a flirt as well. but, i didn't expect him to stay out most of the night at a co-workers birthday celebration only to find him knobjobbing the birthday boy in a parked car in front of our apartment at 3am.
i wasn't ready for that twist. and i got so angry that i threw things. and i left that night, and things were never the same between us. you know, i think that i was more changed by the level of anger i experienced than by the blowjob action in the car. i think i was frightened by my own emotions so much that i may have shut down emotionally after that. i think it validated in me something much more core. that i really could never have a relationship because somehow i wasn't worthy. i have never really let anyone else in since.
i have dated a few guys since then. there was an 18 yr old dreamboat who glommed (?) onto me in the mid-eighties for about 6 months. we played around a bit and we played house a little, but i never took it seriously. he ended up befriended my group of friends just as i left chicago to shake a devastating cocaine habit i'd picked up after testing poz.
and there was a really sweet guy from boulder who was dj'ing at a warehouse party i went to the second year i was in denver. he was amazing, really bright, funny, he was getting his phd, he was an artist. and i didn't feel like an alien when i was with him which is monumental. but i got just so close to him and then some huge security door slammed shut inside me and i turned away. i think i feared getting hurt again. i probably also re-engaged those unworthy thoughts. pretty sure that's what happened anyway.
the one thing i can surmise from these three situations is that i run. i shut down and i run because i am afraid. i might be afraid of being hurt. i might be afraid of being rejected. i might simply be afraid of being seen as i am. maybe the persona that i show the world begins to become transparent and i cannot handle that. maybe i am afraid i actually appear to others the way i see myself. maybe all this and more is true.
so have you gathered that i wasn't good at intimacy? the concept and the execution of getting close with someone else remain elusive. it is part of my healing process to look at these issues and release them. because clinging to them holds no benefit for me any longer. it may be somewhat late in my life, but it's the only time i have felt safe enough to try.
on thanksgiving i did a post called "the day i stopped dancing". i now think it an acknowledgement that this past year marked the time in my life i have started to dance again. and as i write this i slyly consider a series of posts i do here called "dance hall days" which fondly remember the days in my history when dancing was an everyday part of my reality. one specatular aspect of this is i don't have to be loaded in order to remember them or process those feelings. that's real progress for me.....and thank goodness for that. oh i'm not in love. i'm just baring some truth and hopefully releasing some barriers to love.
"You know you're dancing when tears of pain and happiness blend in with your sweat" ~anonymous