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Tuesday, January 8, 2008


image credit: gladys

Wisdom tells me I am nothing.
Love tells me I am everything.
And between the two, my life flows.

only once have i ever really had a romantic relationship. i was 19 or so. i have always gotten ridiculous crushes and tried to make friends or more with guys by the clever technique of having sex. but on one occasion in my life i completely did have an honest-to-goodness live-in boyfriend who i was mad for.

we had met while working together at a gay bar in chicago called "cheeks". (lol) and we kinda flirted a bit for awhile and then decided to play for a while. and then the dating and the moving in together just kinda came freely. we shared a 3 bedroom apartment in the de paul university area with 2 hetero female nurses. it was all very reminiscent of "tales of the city" with the comings and goings of all the friends and lovers. i think we were together for 2 years. i thought it would last forever. or maybe i didn't really think that, i can't say for sure.

i know that when he quit the bar to work in a restaurant on rush street, our lives changed, too. he was a flirt. and that's what he remained. i understand that because i'm a flirt as well. but, i didn't expect him to stay out most of the night at a co-workers birthday celebration only to find him knobjobbing the birthday boy in a parked car in front of our apartment at 3am.

i wasn't ready for that twist. and i got so angry that i threw things. and i left that night, and things were never the same between us. you know, i think that i was more changed by the level of anger i experienced than by the blowjob action in the car. i think i was frightened by my own emotions so much that i may have shut down emotionally after that. i think it validated in me something much more core. that i really could never have a relationship because somehow i wasn't worthy. i have never really let anyone else in since.

i have dated a few guys since then. there was an 18 yr old dreamboat who glommed (?) onto me in the mid-eighties for about 6 months. we played around a bit and we played house a little, but i never took it seriously. he ended up befriended my group of friends just as i left chicago to shake a devastating cocaine habit i'd picked up after testing poz.

and there was a really sweet guy from boulder who was dj'ing at a warehouse party i went to the second year i was in denver. he was amazing, really bright, funny, he was getting his phd, he was an artist. and i didn't feel like an alien when i was with him which is monumental. but i got just so close to him and then some huge security door slammed shut inside me and i turned away. i think i feared getting hurt again. i probably also re-engaged those unworthy thoughts. pretty sure that's what happened anyway.

the one thing i can surmise from these three situations is that i run. i shut down and i run because i am afraid. i might be afraid of being hurt. i might be afraid of being rejected. i might simply be afraid of being seen as i am. maybe the persona that i show the world begins to become transparent and i cannot handle that. maybe i am afraid i actually appear to others the way i see myself. maybe all this and more is true.

so have you gathered that i wasn't good at intimacy? the concept and the execution of getting close with someone else remain elusive. it is part of my healing process to look at these issues and release them. because clinging to them holds no benefit for me any longer. it may be somewhat late in my life, but it's the only time i have felt safe enough to try.

on thanksgiving i did a post called "the day i stopped dancing". i now think it an acknowledgement that this past year marked the time in my life i have started to dance again. and as i write this i slyly consider a series of posts i do here called "dance hall days" which fondly remember the days in my history when dancing was an everyday part of my reality. one specatular aspect of this is i don't have to be loaded in order to remember them or process those feelings. that's real progress for me.....and thank goodness for that. oh i'm not in love. i'm just baring some truth and hopefully releasing some barriers to love.

"You know you're dancing when tears of pain and happiness blend in with your sweat" ~anonymous


Java said...

This could have been me. I was so close to resigning myself to unhealthy relationships simply because that's all I deserve. But the great powers that be, and my sister-in-law, arranged for me and Superman to meet. This man fell for me like a lead weight. He was goofy. And naive and, to a degree, innocent. He loved me with such abandon it 'bout scared me off. But I was quite fond of him so I hung around. He complimented me all the time. I thought he was full of shit, but he was so naive I couldn't help believing that he believed it. We celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary in March. And I don't deserve him, but we love each other and it isn't about worth.

You write of your sense of fear in a relationship. Fear of being hurt or rejected, or of being seen for who you are. This may be, but I suspect you are more afraid of yourself. In a sucessful long term relationship each person must surrender himself completely. I'm not sure, but maybe you need to know yourself well enough to do that. Or at least be willing to find out about yourself in that process.
I can oh so readily relate to your feelings of unworthiness. That's one of the reasons I put myself through such torture. I'm struggling with weight/over-eating issues. I don't know what it is exactly, but there is something about myself that terrifies me and compels me to have an unhealthy relationship to food and exercise. And I'm afraid to look too closely. I don't know if this makes any sense in relation to your fear of intimacy, but your fear reminded me of my troubles.
I wish you all the best, darlin'

warrior scout said...

what a very sweet comment. and thougth out, too. i do suppose you are correct about being afraid of myself. it sounded too true to not be so.

i think the point though for me is to find a way to let go of that fear as well as the other crap i've carried around all these years. and somehow, writing about it here seems safe and really provides release.

surrender yourself? that's almost like speaking korean or something. wise words from the carolinas.. thank you indeed!

Java said...

I know what you mean about writing it out. I could sense that when I read the post. I also know it from first hand experience!

When I typed the phrase "each person must surrender himself completely" I looked at it and thought 'Wow. Those are really heavy words.' I just knew they'd trip you up. That's why I wrote them!

Oh, and "jaded and bitter and knew it all?" LOL! I've learned SO much about life since I realized I DON'T know it all! I worked hard for the wisdom I've gained, and am proud to be (almost) 46 yrs. old. I've got so much more to learn, and more to teach, too. I need a bunch more years.

hehehe word verification: fkuary. Looks like fuckuary. That's the shitty month between January and February, right?

Marc said...

Java I'm afraid I'm going to have to add "Fuckuary" to my list of fantabulous made up words, right along with one I came up with yesterday that rather applies to this entry: "mantanglements."
Rod, I think what you're looking for here is willingness. Just remember that a willingness to be involved anew doesn't necessarily lead to it, but it does seem to be a prerequisite.

Anonymous said...

I think we all need development in the intimacy department. I personally think you should re-find that boulder guy. But that's my flaw. Romanticizing people who're no longer there :P

Java said...

Oh, Marc, mantanglements! That's a keeper. I like it better than the popular "mangina." I was particularly pleased with Fuckuary, too. We must find a way to use these lovely words!

Texaco said...

that's about it, isn't it. the hope, the heartbreak, the denying oneself of the sweeter parts of intimacy.

on my 40th birthday i wrote a post on an old blog that i have since purged about the man who never was. i said something about having waited as long as i was willing to wait and that he was too late. i hoped that whatever kept him was worth it. also something about having to break my door down.

but even now, even with that. perhaps especially now that i am sober (in the real 'seeking my Creator sense), in my heart of hearts and despite all evidence to the contrary i believe that someday my prince will come. but i try not to think about it because it makes my heart ache.

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