dance hall days

the early 80's-there was an air of "anything is possible" mixed with "leave no stone unturned" or "live every day like it's your last" i think. there was so much creative energy flowing everywhere. cultures were mixing, gays and straights, whites and people of color, skinheads and fashionistas, and agreement fields were mobile and so were lines drawn in the sand.

techno pop was making a real thrust into the heart of american culture. it was supplanting traditional hard rock on many of the airwaves and disco in many clubs. a new wave of music and culture was being heralded in. i heard orson welles declare that he didn't care for the drum machine because it didn't create a rhythm or a beat that was connected to a human spirit. that a mechanical beat had no soul.

i don't remember feeling that tho. it seemed to me that much of the music that was playing during my dance hall days was soulful. it had soul and it had smarts. at least the tracks i liked- homosapien by pete shelley, pretty in pink by psychedelic furs, add it up by violent femmes, bizarre love triangle by new order, and of course, almost anything by yaz.

we held court in dance halls. we watched parades and we attended wakes. we cheered teams and we got rained out. we witnessed theatre and we laughed and cried. we became chameleons and changed our colors to suit our backdrop. and with much going on in the outside world that held very little allure, it was always a pleasure to slink into the darkly lit arenas throbbing with bass and packed with fashion victims, storytellers, bohemians, and freedom riders. goth seemed so quaint then because it was very appropriate to dress up the idea of death and darkness.

i remember visiting my friend paul for the last time in the hospital in 1985. he was a shell of the beauty i had once known. a skeleton really. he had suffered with thrush for over a year 1/2. food hadn't tasted good to him for a long time. he wasn't able to keep what nourishment he did eat down for very long. he was tired. he was weak, he was frustrated, and he was preparing. i had tested positive about a week earlier and he knew. he was in his third bout of pneumonia but he was always happy to see me. i read to him and told him some gossip about the club and the club kids. he died later that week. thanksgiving day as a matter of fact. but the music continued and the dancing remained. as it should i dare say. and the last words he spoke to me were "you take care of yourself".

funny, i didn't even know how to do that really before i was positive. and i knew i had no clue now. but is shook my head indicating that "indeed i will".

in my world, the 80's really did herald in quite a "situation". and of course so many us were screaming "don't go" silently to many of our friends. we didn't know what this tidal wave really was washing over us and we didn't want to know. let the rhythm take me cuz i don't know if i can take much more of this.

so paul my friend- all these years later, maybe i am finally getting a clue as to how to take care of myself. it feels good to finally get it. i still miss you.

pssst- dance halls days is a series of posts. if you are interested in reading more just type "dance hall days" in the search bar at the top of this blog. and i have embedded an "alternative" dance hall days playlist in finetune in the sidebar. click it and hava listen if you like.

dance hall days

i got an email from colorado aids project about a fundraiser called backtracks (october 11 at exdo events center $10) and it got me thinking about dancing. it's funny to me. if i look at the list of friends on my fb page, let's say, i realize that about half know me in my present incarnation. person living in recovery, counselor, and hiv activist. but then the other half know me as i was before these days came into being. these friends and confidantes knew me when something black-something earring, nipple pony round-up, collar up syndrome(it's first time around) and techno-pop and crossover basslines ruled the day- and certainly the night-my dance hall days.

now i can't change them, nor would i even considering doing such a thing. i had a blast from 1975 until 1988 doing the club thing. after that, it became something very different. but during those times, i lived, i laughed (a lot), and i loved. the camaraderie that was instilled in me during all those after hours parties and all those tribal chants on the dance floors really helped lead me to the person i am now.
and i have a much better understanding of what makes younger gay men tick because their trials and tribulations are not so very different from my own path.

on this saturday, i salute once again my dance hall days. and i salute the dance hall days of now. gay men's culture has almost forever found gay men meeting and socializing in some very alternative and intimate ways and no doubt will continue to do so. we set standards, we set trends, we say yes to pleasure, we have forged new paths.

long live dance halls. long live gay men. lord help us learn to love each other and take care of each other with deeper intention each year. we definitely have shown we know how to work it.


today's sound choice is a frankie knuckles remix of thompson and lenoir's "work it to the bone."

dance hall days

MEDUSA'S MUSIC HALL CHICAGO 1982-1992

i love visiting chicago- my hometown. i can't help but be reminded that in 1982 in chicago, some friends and i helped our friend get his after hours club open. it took a lot of our energy and time and took on an importance in our lives suddenly. a commitment we never expected. seems like we lived and breathed those dance hall days. i have been in chicago barely 24 hours and i am flooded with memories and melancholy. my best friends still live here and i still love them madly. we have all changed, and we are all still the same. and when we start bringing up the adventures - girls gone wild- the temperatures in the room rise as does the volume. not quite superheroes, we were definitely stunt persons. we came, we saw, and we remember (at least most of it). although i'm pretty sure blue remembers it all- she has a memory like a steel trap.

you know, i have to laugh when i think about just how left wing and on the edge we were back then. we broke rules, we took chances, we said yes to pleasure more often than not. hedonistic and culturally inclusive, we did make a small mark on the complexion of culture in our little burg. and we had an effect on some we didn't even know

here are what a few of us are up to now:


sharon schittbaum

medusa

rodney

bluzilla

unfortunately- velvet, mark stephens, todd tennenbaum, bruce bliss, rik, patrick, and many more moved through to the vip dance hall in the sky. and i miss them with regularity and remember them lovingly.

i totally adore my days-gone-by chicago crew and may drop some more thoughts about them while i'm here.




meanwhile, i was attending an all day seminar at the new glbt center on halsted. hanging from the ceiling in the theatre was my best friends panel from the aids quilt. it took me by surprise and i got a bit emotional. i hadn't seen it since the early 90's when i went to see the whole thing unfurled in dc. his sister made the panel. she always made me laugh. my true darling- paul pfohl. i was flooded with memories of him, our days in the hood, our fag-filled attempts at guerilla perfomance art, and the last year of his life - 1985. that last year was a very tough time for me. it's the same year i tested positive. i was a traumatized idiot and self-medicated through most of the process. i loved paul pfohl though, and still do. it was a blessing really to see that panel.


ahhhh.......this memory lane is filled with tender mercies....
might as well kick it. here's another great memory from those dance hall days.

dance hall days

every once in awhile, i do a post with this title. dance hall days were incredible. they were the celebration before our collective ship hit that iceberg. 1980-1983. that's when our titanic sliced her belly, started to submerge, and the evacuations began. that's when it all changed. that's when we saw the panic, the lifeboats, the heroism, the cowardice, and all the rest of the tales of mice and men. that's when history moved. i do remember the joy. i remember the colors. i remember the joie de vivre. i remember the laughter.

so i go back to those days now and again, because i loved so much of my life then. and because i need to remember. i took them for granted. i thought those glory days would last forever. and i know since i have foolishly done many unattractive things to try to keep those days alive. but they drifted into the mists like avalon with so many lost in the undertow along with them. and i now know that there is a morning after.

this sounds so somber and it's not my intention. i do hold sadness when i remember these days. but i hold joy along with it. my laugh was lighter then. my stride was gayer, and my heart was much more open.

so i arrived at melancholy place because i was surfing youtube and i came across this vid. omg- sharon redd performed at medusa's in 1983 or 84(can't exactly remember). she was talented. she had been a backup singer for bette midler and had then gone out on her own. she had a few hits. i had a blast with her when she performed with us. i do remember a little drama at the end of the "evening" which i think was actually 8 or 9 am. we did trip the light fantastic back then. i witnessed drug induced paranoia which i had never seen before, but would experience first and second hand in the years to come.

sharon left our world in 1992, i believe. it was aids-related. she earned her place at my table of memories. she was a warrior, just like so many i know. and she left our world a better place with the gifts she shared with us.

i encourage you to look at some of the other clips offered on the menu bar of this vid. "beat the street" was a sound i remember really loving at the time. but i chose this one for it's absolutely quintessential 80's flavor.

i wouldn't trade those days. can't anyway, but wouldn't if i could. i am so thankful i lived in and remember my dance hall days.

dance hall days

two true blues.... top pic 1984 upstairs at medusa's
btm pic very recently with a face that still lights up my heart

fairyland balls
mating calls
lovers quarrels
expanding morals
desires spurned
urges burned
signals turned
lessons learned

theatre
cabaret
showlounge
studio
loft
catwalk
switchboard
performance art
workout room
interpretive dance
community room
powder room
mixology

these were my dance hall days.

there are tidbits of my life that will always have glimmer. moments and memories, sounds and smells, snapshots and silhouettes that may always be etched into the sandscape of my history.

i got an email from my friend blue (pictured above channeling "mrs. levin" with medusa's sister sharon) from chicago last night. typed in the subject line was "oh gurl".. and in the body of the note, he went on to say that he was listening to some old favorites... ian dury and the blockheads with spasticus autisticus.. chery lynn doing star love... and loleatta holloway with hit and run...

i was driving to work as i read these words on the new blackberry and my heart skipped a beat. honestly it did. these tunes used to represent so much more than just a few minutes to us back then. they were anthems of sorts and somehow helped cement a bond between those of us in the club. we silently agreed that these dj- probably someone like mark hultmark or frankie knuckles or mark stephens, had what it took to consruct the soundtrack of our young lives. they had put in the time and the research, understood our history and our mission, and could soothe our souls and spawn inspiration while they held court in the crow's nest.

i find it soothing to take a moment now and then to sink back into my armchair of memory and breathe in an elixir of youth, memory, passion, and hope. i can't ever go back, but now and again, i can play the video. i know i am not the same, but the soundtrack still holds much of the same excitement it did then.

i have known blue since 1979 (i think). i remember him from an earlier time- probably 1976 or 77. he was in the "rula lenska look-a-like contest" at cheeks and he introduced himself as bluela lenska - rula's once-prettier sister who had fired the wrath of rula and become the consequence of acid in the face. i think blue was high on mda or something, but i didn't know him then and i remember asking someone-"who is that?"..

anyway, blue and i met at columns (an afterhours club). we were both standing on the perimeter as a remixed version of phil collins' "in the air tonight" and thinking we had been shapeshifted into dullsville. we both looked directly at each other. one couldn't help but notice that he was wearing the most peculiar lime green pompom hat. i asked him about it and he told me it was actually a scottish purse that he had repurposed (21st century word- sorry- but it works here). i laughed and he told me that he was a member of a scottish bagpipe band. i asked if he was scottish and he said no- he was german. i was to determine later that it was probably the opportunity to wear kilts and the outdoor party that attracted him. we closed columns that night and walked the 60 blocks or so from downtown back up to boystown along the lakefront. we talked about people we knew, music, our own stories, and the stories of others. we talked about growing up, about parties, and about life.

we became fast and fantastic friends, even roomates for awhile. we have remained friends over the years, travelled to europe together one summer. his father used to live in denver for a short while and blue would visit regularly. blue's father was gay also, and there are some wild and wonderful stories there, too. especially the ones in which his father worked as a masseuse in a very large and posh chicago health club. handjobs for the stars.... and he came to visit when i lived in san francisco as well. he was the best houseguest i had, as he couldn't wait to explore the muni system to get around.

one of the more memorable nights for me was the halloween party medusa had just before he opened the club. it was in a car showroom, and we called it "pull up to the bumper" named of course after the grace jones song of that name. there were classic cars rented for the occasion and we had all dressed that year. if i remember correctly, we were all wearing skirts for some reason or other. maybe it was the edie sedgwick party, i cannot truly recall. none of us had much money, but we did have imaginations. imaginaiton and intelligence was all a boy needed to make it work. i do know that party and that dressup began a long fascination of wearing them for me. i continued that phase for the next 4 or 5 years or so. i remember liking to twirl in them, but not liking the draft... and finding out from so many that i had nice legs.

so when he sent that email, i didn't miss a beat getting in step with his memories. there are shared memories of that music, that joie de vivre, those dance hall days.
can't change 'em, and wouldn't if i could.


sidenote: there is a group on facebook called medusa's on sheffield which i belong to. this particular club personifies the peak of my clubbing days in chicago. ask anyone from that city who is around my age or younger, and they'll tell you about that club. it was more than just a dance hall as so many of them are. the saint, the probe, studio 54, heaven. they are more than clubs. more like a rite of passage. i love that facebook seems to have touching and reconnecting so many hearts and minds.

so sit back and hava listen to a tiny glimpse of my dance hall days. today's sound choice is cheryl lynn with "star love" (definitely worth a listen)

dance hall days

my last entry of dance hall days was so much fun for me. i actively remembered a time when the world was still spinning for me and life was much more carefree. that post was lovingly posted and published on icp. i encourage you to check it out and support the carnival of pozitivities. i love the carnival and i really love it's mission, which includes a much more global personal view of hiv/aids.

my dance hall days did include using drugs and alcohol, but i don't remember that as being the focus. i was also learning about relationship, about community, and about possibility. being around so many different people with so many different backgrounds and so varied interests, my interests and the possibilities i could see for my life expanded too.

it was a time in my life to test the waters, test the rules, reject the status quo and redefine for myself the rules i would try to live by. i had been "out" for about 6 years and really perceived that i had hit the jackpot. i had found a subculture that would work for me because it embraced difference(to a degree), it questioned authority, and it celebrated self-expresion and creativity.

underground was just that- hidden from the mainstream much like avalon. it was the beginning of alternative culture and spawned many different variations of that theme. punk, goth, mod, skinhead, all those subcultures rumbled across the cities like wildfire. all demanding discernment from each other, but all seemingly interconnected.

today's entry into dance hall days is a classic from the late 70's/80's. it wasn't played in all the clubs i frequented. but it was heard in the off-the-beaten path ones(where i had the most fun). it is a classic to me and is connected to early techno. slam-dancing was not unusual then and neither was this thing we called-kick dancing. and please note that the images cut to this song are banal, but i chose it for the song.

and don't lyrics like... let's make love- before we die- really foreshadow some things that were to come? (again, in the vid menu bar, there are other versions.. grace jones... trent reznor with peter murphy live(damn good!).

dance hall days (redux)

this is a repost. i was looking at my stats and saw that quite a few people are hitting on this post. the vid (a documentary about house music in chicago) has evidently expired and is deleted now from youtube. i added a new remix from the brains and soul of frankie knuckles. the song definitely takes me back to my dance hall days and captures a specific flavor of 1978-1981. you could easily say that "it's not over" rang through my head on many mornings after leaving the innerworkings of dancehalls and stumbling out into the morning sun just as a displaced vampire or other creature of the night would do. hava listen and hava fantastic sunday.... i see yardwork in my immediate future. oh and i had already posted a lighthearted vid to make everyone smile.

House music is a style of electronic dance music that was developed by dance club DJs in Chicago in the early to mid-1980s. House music is strongly influenced by elements of the late 1970s soul- and funk-infused dance music style of disco. House music takes disco's use of a prominent bass drum on every beat and developed a new style by mixing in a heavy electronic synthesizer bassline, electronic drums, electronic effects, funk and pop samples, and reverb- or delay-enhanced vocals.

i came across this partial documentary about life very close to my heart in late 70's chicago. this is a good portion of our(chicagoans) soundtrack for 78,79. and its afterlife affirms yet again how influential gay tastes can be.

i remember visiting the warehouse about that time for the very 1st time. one of the things i remember vividly is being one of the few white persons and being aware of it. it caused me to feel uncomfortable and it also raised my awareness of how others in the same position(only opposite) might feel most of the time. that alone was worth the cover charge. but beyond that, i also remember dancing with a freedom that i hadn't felt before. this dancing thing was already becoming truly tribal for me. the body heat alone made for a sauna and the rhythms coming from the turntables as well as the revellers adding their harmonic additions and rhythmic subtexts created a surround sound that was hard to resist.

and of course then there was frankie knuckles. my friend medusa had befriended frankie over the previous couple of years and had developed a true respect for the man and a love for his art form. i was introduced to him while he was in the booth (working 3 turntables i might add) and i immediately was a fan. he was softspoken, he was attentive, he was thoughtful, and after listening for a few minutes and watching these record playing machines transformed into musical instruments right before my eyes, i knew i was hooked. i was never gonna be the same. i met a star that night, and knew it. and i am overjoyed at his continued success and never surprised that he has won another award. and i am always eager to hear another recording of his mastery.

my world was rocked on that visit to the warehouse. and my world has expanded greatly because of the influence of these dance hall days. my views of a culture and of its people were shifted into a more perfect balance then. and i learned to love to dance and celebrate the spirit(both mine and the spirit of all those around me) in a more holistic way. i grew up in a major way that night at the warehouse, and i don't regret one minute. and here is what frankie is up to these days.

dance hall days

photo: club rapido amsterdam


as you have probably noticed, i have a thing for pop music. i love music, i love dance music, i love lyrics, i love music that makes me think and feel. so i have begun a series of posts entitled "dance hall days". this allows me to highlight some of my favorite dance floor anthems from over the years and also to remember what my life was like in those times. i believe that being gay is essentially being part of a tribe. a good portion of my tribe's history has taken and still does take place on a dance floor, especially our rituals. stonewall was a dancehall too, i believe. coming out, celebrations, courtship, mating, group conscience all take place in tribal fashion in dance halls, clubs, and parties around the world. i'm only a warrior who loves his tribe. who understands and is following his spiritual path and trying to follow his heart.

i remember so often that there seemed nothing more important than to be in the right corner of the dance floor, with the right group of friends, with the right mix of pharma, and the right song playing as our backdrop. that was a pinnacle for the weekend, for the month, or for the hour. it was festival, it was celebrant, it was ritual, and it was tribal.

this is a tune by faithless: the lyrics speak to me because i have used clubs as churches. i have worshipped and mourned there. i have grown there, i have gone there to be seen, and i have hidden out there.

my life has certainly changed, but i think the younger warriors are still participating with this ritual de la habitual(LOL). i am certain i will continue to love and look back with fondness on my dance hall days.

FAITHLESS LYRICS

"God Is A DJ"

This is my church
This is where I heal my hurt
It's a natural grace
Of watching young life shape
It's in minor keys
Solutions and remedies
Enemies becoming friends
When bitterness ends
This is my church [3x]

This is my church
This is where I heal my hurt
It's in the world I become
Content in the hum
Between voice and drum
It's in change
The poetic justice of cause and effect
Respect, love, compassion
This is my church
This is where I heal my hurt
For tonight
God is a DJ
This is my church

dance hall days

i have posted a psychedelic furs album because of the fashion aesthetic. this was the look that penetrated many of the dance halls that i went to in new york, san francisco, and chicago. in my circle we called it "something black, something earring".

one fantastic place has a very sweet and solid memory of my clubbing days of the early 80's for me. i had lived in chicago since '74 and so was pretty in tune with any scene that was happening on the near north side. we called it "newtown" or "lakeview". it was before halsted street became a homo mall. gentrification hadn't happened and you could still get a 3 floor brownstone or gray stone for a price that didn't involve swallowing.

there was a proliferation of buildings which had hailed as swedish social clubs in former times. one incredible one would be opened by joe shanahan which he called "metro". i remember before he took it over, it was called centerstage and had hosted a couple of great shows including a grace jones "taped" show that had some memorable technical challenges for ms. jones.

but as an addendum to his big show club "metro" there was an addendum dance club that opened around '82. it was called smart bar. michael connelly was the premier dj and i remember feeling as if i'd had my first mint julep after a long drought after hearing his sets. he didn't follow the beat to beat mix that almost every other major club and disco jock had been using. he was far more creative and took us on aural joy rides with johnny cash following a clash song which then was followed by an old school rap record maybe with a bauhaus tune. on and on the eclectic mixes would ensue and we found ourselves not feeling formulaic or a part of the borg, but more sailing on an open sea with the wind changing every so often and not much predictable.

smart bar also heralded a rap night which was unheard of here-to-fore in chicago. there were persons of color all over the club and the culture clash was immediate and another burst of fresh air. there certainly were difficulties and challenges, but i think most of us felt that this change was long overdue and we were happy to weather any uncomfortableness in order to promote progress. funny side note- my friend jill bar tended there and would make me howl when she would describe her absolute horror at a customer ordering a vsop gimlet.

i remember the club was set up like an apartment with different "themed" small rooms connecting shotgun from the front to the back. i think i remember one being a doctor's office. i always liked that one. i could get a check-up whenever i needed. or better give or get an exam at will:P

my dance hall days taught me a lot about socialization and some more of the world. in true "youth" style, i certainly thought i knew it all, but i definitely knew i wanted equality and progress. i also had begun to harbor some fear and resentment, mostly around aids and america's response to it then. talk about feeling like personae non grata... i mean it seemed like we were being targeted as lepers. and i hadn't even tested positive yet. and when i was in smart bar or medusas, i didn't have to think about it either. i mean let somebody else work it out, right? the administration was completely ignoring our existence. and maybe if we pretend it's not there, we won't have to deal with it. (i'm sure this still happens today)-
some dance to remember... some dance to forget

and for me, the following song will always reprezent the smart bar. it was part of the fabric of that first year of the club and later the club became an integral part of chicago nightlife and culture. it was what so many of we "alterna-gays"(tragically hip, anything but disco-except for sure cheap trick) were thinking and feeling in many respects in those days. in many ways, it was " the message" for a bit of those days.... don't push me... 'cuz i'm close...i'm tryin... not to lose my head... huh huh huh

dance hall days

pull up closer so you might hear. we'll tell you a tale of yesteryear. the likes of which have been told before and no doubt repeated when we're no more. but tonight we shine a light on this wondrous time. a time of abundance and a time of drought. a time full of pride and a time that borne prejudice. these were my dance hall days.


ACT I PROLOGUE
The Period

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way--in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.

Charles Dickens- A Tale Of Two Cities.

June 5, 1981, MMWR published a report of five cases of
Pneumocystis carinii pneumonia (PCP) among previously healthy young men in Los
Angeles (1 ). All of the men were described as “homosexuals”; two had died. Local
clinicians and the Epidemic Intelligence Service (EIS) Officer stationed at the Los
Angeles County Department of Public Health, prepared the report and submitted it
for MMWR publication in early May 1981. Before publication, MMWR editorial staff
sent the submission to CDC experts in parasitic and sexually transmitted diseases.
The editorial note that accompanied the published report stated that the case histories suggested a “cellular-immune dysfunction related to a common exposure” and
a “disease acquired through sexual contact.” The report prompted additional case
reports from New York City, San Francisco, and other cities. At about the same time,
CDC’s investigation drug unit, the sole distributor of pentamidine, the therapy for PCP, began to receive requests for the drug from physicians also to treat young men. In June 1981, CDC developed an investigative team to identify risk factors and to
develop a case definition for national surveillance. Within 18 months, epidemiologists conducted studies and prepared MMWR reports that identified all of the major risks factors for acquired immnodeficiency syndrome (AIDS). In March 1983, CDC issued recommendations for prevention of sexual, drug-related, and occupational
transmission based on these early epidemiologic studies and before the cause of the
new, unexplained illness was known.

Back To the Underground
Following the collapse of the 70's Disco empire, the sound of disco did not die, but much of it returned back into clubs away from the mainstream music industry, or what was known as the underground. Much like in the early 70's, during the early 80's dance clubs became the key locations for hearing and experiencing the latest in Dance music. Dance music had largely disappeared from movies and television and was on life support on radio. Key clubs, however, continued to thrive. Among these were 3 New York clubs, the FunHouse, Paradise Garage, and The Saint, which live on in memories and legends as well as their impact in development of specific genres of Dance music.
above excerpt courtesy of wedanced.com

our catalysts enter shouting and carrying signs:

FIRST ACT UP DEMONSTRATION
WALL STREET March 24, 1987

Outraged by the government's mismanagement of the AIDS crisis, concerned individuals unite to form the AIDS Coalition to Unleash Power. ACT UP's first demonstration takes place three weeks later on March 24th 1987 on Wall Street, the financial center, to protest the profiteering of pharmaceutical companies (especially Burroughs Wellcome, manufacturer of AZT). Seventeen people are arrested. Shortly after the demonstration, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) announces it will shorten its drug approval process by two years. | ACT UP Capsule History |

[Transcript]

CHANTING: WE ARE ANGRY, WE WANT ACTION, WE ARE ANGRY, WE WANT ACTION.
CHANTING: RELEASE THOSE DRUGS, RELEASE THOSE DRUGS, RELEASE THOSE DRUGS.

above from actup

Two households, both alike in dignity,
In fair Verona, where we lay our scene,
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.
From forth the fatal loins of these two foes
A pair of star-cross'd lovers take their life;
Whole misadventured piteous overthrows
Do with their death bury their parents' strife.
The fearful passage of their death-mark'd love,
And the continuance of their parents' rage,
Which, but their children's end, nought could remove,
Is now the two hours' traffic of our stage;
The which if you with patient ears attend,
What here shall miss, our toil shall strive to mend.

END ACT I PROLOGUE

the dance halls were loud, cacaphonous, and crowded and crazy and fantastic. we wouldn't feel as alone there and we we could drown out the silent screams in our heads. one of the only constants that many of us let trickle through to our numbed senses was the rhythm, the melody, the harmony, and the lyrics. and those voices. that thumping bass, those incredible recorded vocals, that laughter, and those lights. assimilation, indoctrination, training camp, telecommunication. dance halls made welcome this gay man's midnight rider.

offstage music plays, laughter carries, and lights are flashing as the epoch closes and dance hall days seem to fade..... or are they really fading?

"bitch, please"

maestro

larry levan and two turntables- well before "and a microphone" even reared its head.

"We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it."
"We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves."

yesterday, i happened to catch a rerun of the documentary "maestro" on logo, which is about the underground origin of bouse music. it really highlights several new york (and chicago) clubs from the late 70's and features an homage to paradise garage. and no piece on this snapshot of american lgbt history (monumental if you are black and gay) could be without a bio on larry levan. he was the genius at the turntables at the garage, very much the heart and soul of the parties that happened there every weekend.

there are interviews with new york natives that talk about the underground and subsequent "club" feel the garage provided. several talked about how it helped them move from beyond their provincial and neighborhood attitudes and took them into a more metropolitan and more cosmopolitan sensibility. today we would no doubt call that global or multi-cultural. a few interviewed spoke of how having access to the garage, and spending so much time there, kept them from drifting into more dangerous and likely criminal lifestyles.

this is not to say that those days were not filled with rule breaking. drugs and public sex were very much a part of the scene. these particulars were interwoven into the fabric of those dance hall days. young persons experimenting with their minds, their freedoms , their bodies and their hearts, but all corralling themselves into dance halls to listen to beats and breaks, incidentally forming a movement and drinking in new ideas about acceptance, tolerance, and the value of personal expression.

larry was no doubt a genius. one can only listen to any of the hundreds of remix recordings available almost everywhere to get a hint of this. he understood and captained the direction of a subculture and helped careen it through one of the most catastrophic times in lgbt history. this was, of course, the onset of aids.

the themes in the documentary are very much the early years of gay liberation. stonewall happened in '69, and the beginnings of underground house-y music appeared at the loft and the paradise garage (and the warehouse in chicago) in the mid-70's. any of us around at that time can also remember vividly the stark difference in that decade's predominant attitude about drug use - especially cocaine that pervailed. the underground scene enveloped this popular attitude and sexual liberation just like a kangaroo. and these set the perfect stage for the wildfire of aids that shook the cities (and now the world) by storm. and i will probably never think of aids (in my own mind) without thinking of the dance hall culture that first became infected in america.

sadly, larry became engulfed in his drug use (as did many of us) and his own life cracked and crumbled as a fortune cookie does. as so many of his contemporaries died from aids around him, he began a far slower and perhaps more painful death from drug abuse.

there was so much that was bittersweet about our dance hall days. they held so much promise, gave so much supreme joy, and heralded so much terror. that generation definitely had a lasting effect on our culture at large in so many ways, but the fires of social change we conjured up in those dance halls is still burning wildly today. i can't go back and make the outcomes different and wouldn't really anyway. but i do believe that what was percolating in those mirror-balled testubes that we called our second home, has altered our modern world. i'm not sure if it's made it better, but i'll probably go to my next destination believing that indeed it has.

i definitely recommend giving "maestro" a once-over. the interviews are candid and very understated. the film seemed in black and white, although i was multi-tasking and unable to be sure. the interview with frankie knuckles is quite enlightening, capturing some aspects of him that don't always make it public, as he and larry were very good friends for many years.

today's sound choice is a larry levan remix of tracy weber's "sure shot"
sure shot baby- ain't no way we can lose...

dance hall days

garage bands, punk bands, underground techno, industrial, and experimental hardcore. the 80's weren't all technopop and smoothed over r&b for me. although i loved those sounds, i also really gained a taste for the unusual and the "boutique".

there used to be little record label in nyc- the village really, called 99 records. i am trying to think of the name of the sweetie that used to be the director, the manager, the promoter, and everything else. oh ed, that's it ! he was a dreamboat. anyway, im not familiar with with all the acts on that label, but i am familiar with at least 4. liquid liquid, esg, bush tetras, and glenn branca.

firstly, there was the band called liquid liquid which had a couple of underground club hits in the early 80's, one of which, cavern, was pretty phenomenal. so much so, that grandmaster flash and the furious five used the rhythm track from their song to provide the most of the interest to their song "white lines, don't do it". i believe there was some negotitation with sugar hill records about royalties which did end up in litigation.

medusas made an inquiry to 99 records about liquid liquid playing at the dance hall in 1983 or 84 and we found out they weren't really doing any touring then, but there was this other band that he had called esg, and he would love to bring them.

i greeted the girls when the got to the club. they were the sweetest, most unassuming women i remember meeting during that time. the were just girls, who were indeed bronx new yorkers, but that was as far as their 'tude went. i think we went to dinner for a bit. and if i remember correctly, we had some sort of panic about something in the club- which actually was most weekends (lol)- but a friend of my mothers, jackie came into town from peoria and she ended up driving ed around chicago, while i took care of business, in her big lincoln continental.

he did mention that it was an evening he wouldn't easily forget, as she talked nonstop and kept him entertained for about 4 hours.

but back to esg- i asked them about their name and replied- simple- it stands for emerald, saphirre, and gold. and they still remain just that for me. i was reading lexx's blog and saw a photograph and thought it quite moody. that made me think of this tune that i loved so much by esg along with more of my memories of my dance hall days.

and for any of you 80's enthusiasts, i put together an 80's playlist which is posted to the right on finetune. not my top 50, but 50 i enjoyed nonetheless. i am also starting a series of posts on life aftermeth called retro fitted which will be more of my favorite 80's sounds. i am looking forward to that. i have been watching logo channel once in awhile and many of the music vids such as the gossip, etc. really take me back to those underground no-wave days.

got a note that chris is home and i'm glad about that. welcome home chris. job well done.

dance hall days

a little backtrackin this morning. i watch this and get all oogie inside thinking about the clubbin days and the "pirate" mentality so many of us had back then. party, pillage, plunder. and adventure. come to think of it, i might have held on to that mindset a little too long. and when i see this clip, i also wonder who came first- ian or steven tyler? nonetheless- i do love this song and the memories of dance hall days.....

dance hall days

the atmosphere was so electrically charged in the "high hair and everything black" 80's that a certain sound can bring much of that back in an instant. the music was rich and abundant, and a "world music" sound was infiltrating dance music on both sides of the pond. but there were many things going on outside the precious dance halls of our very catered-to lives, too. the world was getting smaller it seemed. and there were some new kids in town making a big splash. their names were famine, apartheid, and plague. these n'er-do-wells were not just seen on southern shores, and the connections between ourselves and africa are astounding still. the issues we were dealing with at that time are still with us, although they have evolved. most of our "aids" panic has moved to other coasts. but definitely remains in africa. if only we could mobilize that continent's nations as we have done on northern soil. but some of those nations are still dealing with genocide and hatred. we certainly would have much much more to sing about if these could disappear. still, a thread that connects our lands began then and continues to grow. remember "do they even know it's christmas" and boomtown rats' bob geldorf and his "live aid"? or the clash's "sandinista" album? (i know it's anti-america and about nicaragua, but it helped pave the path to a more social awareness) and even "sun city" by little steven? mtv and my dance hall days broadcast the beginning of my generations' understanding of our own frailty in contrast to the injustices around the globe and in our own backyard, of the world's interdependence, and the beginnings of a higher consciousness and how much impact we could have and how much power we might muster. we didn't need to take life's punches lying down. i believe we began to know ourselves as citizens of the world and the brits were leading the way.

1980s - In 1985, a State of Emergency was declared in South Africa that would last for five years. This was a result of riots and unrest that had arisen in response to Apartheid, the system of racial segregation that had been in place since the 1950s. Apartheid prohibited mixed-race marriages and sex between different ethnic groups, and categorised separate areas in which different races lived. In the same year, the government set up the country’s first AIDS Advisory Group in response to the increasingly apparent presence of HIV amongst South Africans. The first recorded case of AIDS in South Africa was diagnosed in 1982, and although initially HIV infections seemed mainly to be occurring amongst gay men, by 1985 it was clear that other sectors of society were also affected. Towards the end of the decade, as the abolition of Apartheid began, an increasing amount of attention was paid to the AIDS crisis.

dance hall days

this posted video is really pretty lame, but i am using it because this song was the shit at medusa's for a whole season. ministry is from chicago and they were just gaining momentum in popularity. this song was transitional from a more synth-pop style to the hard core style they became known for. i remember this was a lotta fun to dance to and hearing it makes me think of those dance hall days. ba ..ba ba.



complimentary ministry ringtones here

well I live with snakes and lizards
and other things that go bump in the night
cos to me everyday is halloween
I have given up hiding and started to fight
I have started to fight

well any time, any place, anywhere that I go
all the people seem to stop and stare
they say 'why are you dressed like it's halloween?
you look so absurd, you look so obscene'

o, why can't I live a life for me?
why should I take the abuse that's served?
why can't they see they're just like me
it's the same, it's the same in the whole wide world

well I let their teeny minds think
that they're dealing with someone who is over the brink
and I dress this way just to keep them at bay
cos halloween is everyday
it's everyday

o, why can't I live a life for me?
why should I take the abuse that's served?
why can't they see they're just like me
it's the same, it's the same in the whole wide world

o, why can't I live a life for me?
why should I take the abuse that's served?
why can't they see they're just like me
i'm not the one that's so absurd

why hide it?
why fight it?
hurt feelings
best to stop feeling hurt
from denials, reprisals
it's the same it's the same in the whole wide world

if i remember correctly, which is questionable, the year was 1983. goth was really just making its first swing into fashion. punk, per se, was almost conventional by that time, but the "something black something earring" look was just taking hold. anyway, goth was an attitude, and the lyrics here really spoke to the isolating, dark, and brooding attitude that was so much in vogue. as a matter of fact, i am pretty sure that there were a few years in the mid 80's that one just didn't wear anything but black. it was everywhere.

it made sense too, cuz we were all in mourning. the gay plague was creeping in. so many gay boys were going to carousel- (that's a vague logan's run reference- if you haven't seen the film- please do). anyway it was a time for black. and a time for feeling like an outsider. and this was just about the time, perhaps a year prior to, i started developing my first glimpse of a substance use problem. cocaine seemed to be so easily gotten then. it seemed like everybody i knew (and didn't know) wanted to hang out in the club and free bumps were an easy ticket in.

something special

image credit: romain laurent

We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn’t control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn’t make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn’t seem to be of real help to other people—Pg. 52

from emotionalsobriety.org


today i woke up much later than usual, knowing i have a full day off, (the first in a long time) and full of gratitude for the direction my life is headed. i never would have guessed that i would find myself without so much drama, or at least without the drama i have not dictating my moods. what a shift.

a colleague and i met with an attorney yesterday about incorporating our efforts with the i.r.s. if i am to be a steward of monies for some educational programs for guys with hiv then i don't want to be held financially responsible if something quirky happens. this step also could easily lead to receiving more grants for the type of work we are doing. and there are at least two more programs i would love to see happening here in denver.

the attorney is a friend of mine from the program and he was giggling to himself, because last year, as we jogged the park together and shared stories, he kept saying i should be doing exactly what i have started to do here.

my sponsor has been talking about the three layers of sobriety lately. there is chemical sobriety, emotional sobriety, and spiritual sobriety. the first one i have begun to get a handle on, however the other two remain a mystery. he has started work with another addict on emotional sobriety, and he asked if i would be interested in joining the work. this is a natural direction for me to take, especially considering the events of the last 3 months. i need to understand how powerless i am over my emotions and how to recognize this. i will start to do the work.

this song takes me back to dance hall days. the nyc peech boys. i think keith haring did a cover for this 12 inch or maybe it was the album. i remember parking on the dance floor with my friend freddy colberg (now at the dance hall in the sky), it would be around 5am, and and he and i would find ourselves understanding the lyrics of this song on what we thought was a spiritual level. now that spiritual understanding is not punctuated by drugs and alcohol- other than lithium, my hiv cocktail and 2 vanilla lattes. life really is something special. it has been quite a journey to here- one i never dreamed of making this far. and a healthy starting point each day is that gratitude being ground zero for me.

bare

image credit: gladys

Wisdom tells me I am nothing.
Love tells me I am everything.
And between the two, my life flows.

only once have i ever really had a romantic relationship. i was 19 or so. i have always gotten ridiculous crushes and tried to make friends or more with guys by the clever technique of having sex. but on one occasion in my life i completely did have an honest-to-goodness live-in boyfriend who i was mad for.

we had met while working together at a gay bar in chicago called "cheeks". (lol) and we kinda flirted a bit for awhile and then decided to play for a while. and then the dating and the moving in together just kinda came freely. we shared a 3 bedroom apartment in the de paul university area with 2 hetero female nurses. it was all very reminiscent of "tales of the city" with the comings and goings of all the friends and lovers. i think we were together for 2 years. i thought it would last forever. or maybe i didn't really think that, i can't say for sure.

i know that when he quit the bar to work in a restaurant on rush street, our lives changed, too. he was a flirt. and that's what he remained. i understand that because i'm a flirt as well. but, i didn't expect him to stay out most of the night at a co-workers birthday celebration only to find him knobjobbing the birthday boy in a parked car in front of our apartment at 3am.

i wasn't ready for that twist. and i got so angry that i threw things. and i left that night, and things were never the same between us. you know, i think that i was more changed by the level of anger i experienced than by the blowjob action in the car. i think i was frightened by my own emotions so much that i may have shut down emotionally after that. i think it validated in me something much more core. that i really could never have a relationship because somehow i wasn't worthy. i have never really let anyone else in since.

i have dated a few guys since then. there was an 18 yr old dreamboat who glommed (?) onto me in the mid-eighties for about 6 months. we played around a bit and we played house a little, but i never took it seriously. he ended up befriended my group of friends just as i left chicago to shake a devastating cocaine habit i'd picked up after testing poz.

and there was a really sweet guy from boulder who was dj'ing at a warehouse party i went to the second year i was in denver. he was amazing, really bright, funny, he was getting his phd, he was an artist. and i didn't feel like an alien when i was with him which is monumental. but i got just so close to him and then some huge security door slammed shut inside me and i turned away. i think i feared getting hurt again. i probably also re-engaged those unworthy thoughts. pretty sure that's what happened anyway.

the one thing i can surmise from these three situations is that i run. i shut down and i run because i am afraid. i might be afraid of being hurt. i might be afraid of being rejected. i might simply be afraid of being seen as i am. maybe the persona that i show the world begins to become transparent and i cannot handle that. maybe i am afraid i actually appear to others the way i see myself. maybe all this and more is true.

so have you gathered that i wasn't good at intimacy? the concept and the execution of getting close with someone else remain elusive. it is part of my healing process to look at these issues and release them. because clinging to them holds no benefit for me any longer. it may be somewhat late in my life, but it's the only time i have felt safe enough to try.

on thanksgiving i did a post called "the day i stopped dancing". i now think it an acknowledgement that this past year marked the time in my life i have started to dance again. and as i write this i slyly consider a series of posts i do here called "dance hall days" which fondly remember the days in my history when dancing was an everyday part of my reality. one specatular aspect of this is i don't have to be loaded in order to remember them or process those feelings. that's real progress for me.....and thank goodness for that. oh i'm not in love. i'm just baring some truth and hopefully releasing some barriers to love.

"You know you're dancing when tears of pain and happiness blend in with your sweat" ~anonymous

dance hall days

i am including a shot of christian for his hairstyle only. no other inferences are intended. the hair is a beautiful example of 80's hair to me. a little highlight, a little product, and accessorized with maybe a dangle earring. (although, we didn't call it product then, we called it gel)

there is an excerpt here from life or meth which has stuck with me since the first time i read it. following that, i am attaching to one of the big dance hits from medusa's circa 1983 because i think it's completely apropos. this was definitely a cult hit because it is a very universal tale. i get goose pimples every time i hear it. and i remember how it filled the floor with boys who were shaking loose their secret sadness.


this passage defines precisely the message i hope to begin to leave as a gift for the gay men to follow me. come out- be who you are- but before you start the party and celebrate your sexuality and freedom, take the time to heal the wounds and scars you bring from all those years of deception, lies, and character assassinations. shine a light on them. don't hide them. this will hopefully help you lead a healthier and happier life.

Yyou have a lot of young gay men coming into the city; they were the nerds in high school, the wallflower, the ugly kid. They feel the city is the place to be sexy, to be a star, and they get a false burst of confidence with a drug like this."
~ John Cameron Mitchell [Director]

March 2003. John is 21, and arrives in New York anticipating that a climate of tolerance and acceptance awaits. He is typical of gay men the world over who have long flocked to the metropolitan cities to be less visible and to congregate with others like themselves. However, we arrive and establish our own gyms, clubs, shops and cafes - ghettos - and bring with us all of the emotional scarring, guilt and shame that we attached to our homosexuality in our formative years

John's first experience of New York's commercial gay scene, therefore, far from being inviting, is mostly unfriendly, indifferent and intimidating because almost everyone, it seems, is projecting their internalised homophobia and insecurities at everyone else. Gay-identified men who grow up in loving, accepting environments often find it difficult identifying and mixing with complex, baggage-heavy men, tending either to avoid socialising where gay men converge or lead fulfilled lives away from the psychological assault course posed by the scene.

In such environments, fear reveals itself in over-inflated egos and attitude; the degree to which individuals reinforce their delusions about what they think they are. Some people are so lost in their fantasy world of denial and illusion that they have difficulty discerning even the most basic truths, or to accept the glaringly obvious even when it is staring them square in the face.

"The power of both illusion and delusion should never be underestimated. The compulsion to believe in something we need and want to be true, rather than see reality for what it is, can at times be astounding."
~ Gary Younge [The Guardian]

Despite its immense ugliness to grounded, balanced people who have their egos in check, attitude is merely a person's automatic defence mechanism to the inner pain, guilt and turmoil that arises from the loss of a connection to the heart centre and separation from love.

"If one drops denial, one will see that falsehood, manipulation and distortion of truth cater prevalently to man's lowest propensities and pervade all society."
~ David R. Hawkins [The Eye of the I]

dark knight

i think i started to get a crush on him when i first saw "empire of the sun". he was so young then and it wasn't a sexual desire, it was a fraternal one. that morphed a bit when i saw "little women" with susan sarandon and wynona ryder. he was so goofy and with such a peaches and cream complexion. but he looked a tad more kissable. when "american psycho" hit the screen, i knew i was hooked. so imagine my disdain when i read the news of his unfortunate scandal with the english press.

the following article is from college candy and i am drawn to it's tone:

Because no one in the CC office wants to believe that Christian Bale is the type of guy who would flip out at his sister and mother randomly, we’ve been following this story every step of the way (I mean, it’s a matter of possibly kicking him out of our fantasises forever…it’s important). Here’s what we’ve learned this morning:

1) His mother used to be a clown. Legitimately.
2) He may or may not have a short temper (which may be due to the fact that he plays tortured dudes all the time)
3) His sis allegedly asked him for a loan of 100,000 pounds (roughly $200,200), and he said no
4) His mom allegedly insulted his wife, and Bale went all “Oh no you DIDN’T!” on her ass
5) Bale’s family “never wanted to ruin his night” but felt they needed to “teach him a lesson”

Aside from saying what he had for breakfast the day of the blow up, reporters are doing their best to dig through Bale’s past and find some deep, dark poison in his soul or something. Our hypothesis? The guy has a bad temper, has been stressed out for a while, had a giant fight with the fam, and because he’s a celebrity that “row” turned into some kind of Battlestar Galactica implosion in the media.

So yeah, Beautiful Bale isn’t out of our fantasies yet…we just may reconsider challenging him to a rousing game of Battleship…because that sh*t gets heated.

i had been holding on to the following clip for awhile. the sounds are very much aligned with part of my dance hall days, but i thought it was a little apropos for this post if i give it a battling superhero theme. i love this cut, and it definitely heralded in the diversity that was exploding onto dance floors across our nation reflecting the social change that was taking place. rap music was quickly morphing into hip-hop and racial borders were being redrawn at every turn.

java- your sproing will certainly love this one, too.....

now, on to the work week

paradise

i met with a friend today to discuss a little business matter and i was quietly blown away by some of his words. he intimated that my work is following a legacy that has been left by the persons ahead of me and that it seems my heart is in the right place.

when he told me this, it was really a challenge for me not to discount what he was saying just as i always do. but because i was around in the beginnings of hiv in gay men's culture and was personally touched by the struggles and triumphs of friends and lovers who are no longer with us, i couldn't discount his perspective, if only out of respect.

i do remember so vividly, the reaching out, the sharing of fear and pain, and the shouldering of the responsibility of caring for one another that was borne out of the mid 1980's. in retrospect, the early 80's, although i have glamorized them often on this blog, were also a time that i became disillusioned with gay men's culture. in general, gay men were treating each other like shit. catty behavior, snippy remarks were dispensed to each other then like condoms are today, and sabotaging was just as fashionable as was trying to look butcher than we were (remember clones?).

hiv changed all that. suddenly we were allowed to cry. actually, many of us cried ourselves dry. we had carte blanche to care for others' emotional wounds, which perhaps helped us to remember we had our own. we were needed in a way we were not prepared for, and many rose magnanimously to the occasion.

in no way, would i compare anthing i am doing now to the valor and heroics i saw in those early days of hiv. but it's the spirit of that time, and of that bravery and sacrifice, that i am so flattered to attempt to embody.

and when intention is noticed (even if i don't see it) i am humbled. humbled beyond words. my friend has absolutely no idea what a truly wonderful gift he gave me.

thank you for your thoughtfulness from the bottom of my heart.

ps- i have actually been asked to interview for that job i have been going on about. i will sit down with the entire team on monday.

one of my best friends- blue - posted this on facebook today. well, a version of this. his was way too fast and way too choppy. i remember it more like this...

today's sound choice is a dance hall days classic. change doing "paradise"