paradise

i met with a friend today to discuss a little business matter and i was quietly blown away by some of his words. he intimated that my work is following a legacy that has been left by the persons ahead of me and that it seems my heart is in the right place.

when he told me this, it was really a challenge for me not to discount what he was saying just as i always do. but because i was around in the beginnings of hiv in gay men's culture and was personally touched by the struggles and triumphs of friends and lovers who are no longer with us, i couldn't discount his perspective, if only out of respect.

i do remember so vividly, the reaching out, the sharing of fear and pain, and the shouldering of the responsibility of caring for one another that was borne out of the mid 1980's. in retrospect, the early 80's, although i have glamorized them often on this blog, were also a time that i became disillusioned with gay men's culture. in general, gay men were treating each other like shit. catty behavior, snippy remarks were dispensed to each other then like condoms are today, and sabotaging was just as fashionable as was trying to look butcher than we were (remember clones?).

hiv changed all that. suddenly we were allowed to cry. actually, many of us cried ourselves dry. we had carte blanche to care for others' emotional wounds, which perhaps helped us to remember we had our own. we were needed in a way we were not prepared for, and many rose magnanimously to the occasion.

in no way, would i compare anthing i am doing now to the valor and heroics i saw in those early days of hiv. but it's the spirit of that time, and of that bravery and sacrifice, that i am so flattered to attempt to embody.

and when intention is noticed (even if i don't see it) i am humbled. humbled beyond words. my friend has absolutely no idea what a truly wonderful gift he gave me.

thank you for your thoughtfulness from the bottom of my heart.

ps- i have actually been asked to interview for that job i have been going on about. i will sit down with the entire team on monday.

one of my best friends- blue - posted this on facebook today. well, a version of this. his was way too fast and way too choppy. i remember it more like this...

today's sound choice is a dance hall days classic. change doing "paradise"