both sides now

Ive looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
Its loves illusions I recall
I really dont know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say I love you right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
Ive looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say Ive changed
Well somethings lost, but somethings gained
In living every day

Ive looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
Its lifes illusions I recall
I really dont know life at all
Ive looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
Its lifes illusions I recall
I really dont know life at all

it is so hard to believe, but i have managed to hit the 1000th post mark with this entry. what a fantastic and sometimes emotional journey this has been for me. i don't know if i have sharpened any writing skills at all, but i do know that i have learned (with all my commenters' assistance) better tools to live life on life's terms through blogging. i have made some fantastic friends-even gone to a couple of 12step conventions with one, and i have been able to read as a few other bloggers have transitioned from feeling crazy to grounded within the safety of this online community.

i had been thinking that once in awhile i could revisit some places this blog has taken me, and this 1000th mark seemed a good place to start. this particular post was titled "both sides now" and appeared on september 10, 2007. the only change is the youtube clip. the movie segment is not available any longer, so i chose a live version of joni mitchell from december 2007. today's post (vintage) has an eerie similarity to yesterday's post which was completely unknown to me until now. i am thankful for the peace my life has found and i thank all my readers who have helped get me there.

sometimes i am so confused about this life. i know enough to know i don't know everything. that i might know very little is much more likely. some days i falter so much it's hard to believe i am stable. i say thoughtless things sometimes. i don't slow down enough. i try to pack too many things into a day. i find it hard to say no to a cause or a service commitment. i race through way too much and give too little my full attention. i don't always know how to ask for what i need, but then i'll expect others in my life to know and start to form resentments because they don't. my feelings were very hurt this weekend because of expectations i had and part of me so wants to be the drama queen. but i know that this leads me nowhere. so i am going to try the new approach i've learned. the "other" side.

the good news is that i'm maturing. that change happens. that i don't have to stay "stuck" in a mindset or a drama or a situation. i can try to change my perspective around a situation if i can't change the situation. this is a huge shift in my survival. a very huge shift.

the objects of my attention don't seem to suffer too much outwardly. but in my head they are all either cheating me or being cheated by me(it's all still very much about me). i still have the emotional maturity of a twenty-something because that's when i started using drugs and alcohol on a first-defense basis.

the course in miracles has taught me to always ask this question: "would you rather be happy or would you rather be right". of course, my first instinct always is to answer "i'd rather be both", but upon reflection, most times i'd rather be right. truthfully however, where does that get me in the end? being right usually gets me being left behind, alone and filled with tension. i can't really reflect on the happy part. that i am hoping to learn and become acquainted with in time.

so, i chose this clip and this song because it absolutely touched my heart the first time i saw it. it was while i was ill and stuck at home watching "love actually" over and over on cable- like i can do when i'm sick. the emma thompson character found an xmas gift in her husband's things (jewelry actually) and it is xmas morning and she is expecting to open a gift with that very jewelry inside. but when she opens it, it's a cd- the joni mitchell cd that contains this song. she excuses herself and goes to the closet to cry intensely but quietly so as not to alarm the children and spoil the day. she is introduced to this lesson in life that the course talks about. "would you rather be happy, or would you rather be right". the choices we make rarely come without pain. in the course of our lives we will be hurt. we will feel ignored. we will feel unnoticed. we will grieve. we will lose sometimes.

we can however still be happy even when our hearts break. feeling hurt is not the worst of our dilemmas in life. if we can look at our relationships as a whole and not as individual happen-stances, we can survive pain and be stronger and be happy. and we can understand our fellows and our loved ones more deeply because of it.

both sides, now

sometimes i am so confused about this life. i know enough to know i don't know everything. that i might know very little is much more likely. some days i falter so much it's hard to believe i am stable. i say thoughtless things sometimes. i don't slow down enough. i try to pack too many things into a day. i find it hard to say no to a cause or a service commitment. i race through way too much and give too little my full attention. i don't always know how to ask for what i need, but then i'll expect others in my life to know and start to form resentments because they don't. my feelings were very hurt this weekend because of expectations i had and part of me so wants to be the drama queen. but i know that this leads me nowhere. so i am going to try the new approach i've learned. the "other" side.

the good news is that i'm maturing. that change happens. that i don't have to stay "stuck" in a mindset or a drama or a situation. i can try to change my perspective around a situation if i can't change the situation. this is a huge shift in my survival. a very huge shift.

the objects of my attention don't seem to suffer too much outwardly. but in my head they are all either cheating me or being cheated by me(it's all still very much about me). i still have the emotional maturity of a twenty-something because that's when i started using drugs and alcohol on a first-defense basis.

the course in miracles has taught me to always ask this question: "would you rather be happy or would you rather be right". of course, my first instinct always is to answer "i'd rather be both", but upon reflection, most times i'd rather be right. truthfully however, where does that get me in the end? being right usually gets me being left behind, alone and filled with tension. i can't really reflect on the happy part. that i am hoping to learn and become acquainted with in time.

so, i chose this clip and this song because it absolutely touched my heart the first time i saw it. it was while i was ill and stuck at home watching "love actually" over and over on cable- like i can do when i'm sick. the emma thompson character found an xmas gift in her husband's things (jewelry actually) and it is xmas morning and she is expecting to open a gift with that very jewelry inside. but when she opens it, it's a cd- the joni mitchell cd that contains this song. she excuses herself and goes to the closet to cry intensely but quietly so as not to alarm the children and spoil the day. she is introduced to this lesson in life that the course talks about. "would you rather be happy, or would you rather be right". the choices we make rarely come without pain. in the course of our lives we will be hurt. we will feel ignored. we will feel unnoticed. we will grieve. we will lose sometimes.

we can however still be happy even when our hearts break. feeling hurt is not the worst of our dilemmas in life. if we can look at our relationships as a whole and not as individual happen-stances, we can survive pain and be stronger and be happy. and we can understand our fellows and our loved ones more deeply because of it.

Ive looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
Its loves illusions I recall
I really dont know love at all


Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say I love you right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
Ive looked at life that way


But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say Ive changed
Well somethings lost, but somethings gained
In living every day


Ive looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
Its lifes illusions I recall
I really dont know life at all
Ive looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
Its lifes illusions I recall
I really dont know life at all

this love

"how to be an adult in a relationship" sounds so simple doesn't it. the truth is, for me, that it's something i really haven't considered until now. part of me would like to think this is pathetic, and part me thinks "thank goodness" i am even starting to consider it now. i am sure i will write about my experiences with this book now and again, as it seems to hold transformative elements for me, which i really need at this particular time in my life.

dr. david richo, the author of this book, has this to share about knowing oneself (which is a pre-requisite to an adult relationship). this article explores briefly the task of recognizing and working with the shadow sides of ourselves. i find it a little enlightening.

The poppy petals:
How calmly
They fall. -Etsujin

The Jungian archetype of the Shadow includes all that we abhor about ourselves and all the wonderful potential that we doubt or deny we have. We project these negativities onto others as strong dislike and project our positive potential as admiration. We can re-member and restore these capacities to our psyches. We explore our dark side as a source of creativity and untapped potential. How does our dark side manifest, go into hiding, and emerge to hurt or liberate us? What is evil and how do we protect ourselves from it? What is the shadow in our family, relationships, religion, and in the world? We learn ways to make friends with our shadow both positive and negative so that our lost life can be restored and renewed. Inner foes become allies; dark angles within us become archways of light.



To befriend the POSITIVE personal shadow: Use this triple A approach:

• Affirm that you have the quality you admire or envy in someone else. This can be a simple declaration or affirmation such as: "I am more and more courageous."

• Act as if you have that quality by making choices that demonstrate it.

• Announce it: Tell everybody you know that you are making these changes and ask for their support.

These are three steps we take. They are usually followed by shifts in our personality; we begin to act in wiser, more loving, and more healing ways with no further need for effort. This is the grace dimension, the spiritual assistance to our work.

To befriend the NEGATIVE personal shadow, here are five A’s:

• Acknowledge that you have all the attributes humans can have, that you contain both sides of every human coin. Acknowledge that you have the specific negative traits you see in others that evoke a strong reaction of repulsion in you. The urge to observe coexists with its opposite impulse to expose.

• Allow yourself to hold and cradle these as parts of yourself. Acknowledge that they may have gone underground for a legitimate purpose and are now ready to be turned inside out and become something more creative and empowering in your life.

• Admit to yourself and to one other person the fact of these shadow discoveries about yourself.

• Make amends to those who may have been hurt by your denial of your own shadow: "I saw this in you and it is in me. I have blamed you for what I am ashamed of in myself." Make amends to anyone you have hurt by any underhanded ways your shadow has impacted him/her.

• Become aware of the kernel of value in your negative shadow characteristic and then treat it as you did the positive shadow above: affirm it as true of yourself, act as if it were true, announce your discovery and program to others who can assist us in following up on it.

As you do this work, do not scold yourself as a critical parent for all your deficits. Have a good talk with yourself as a kindly adult: "I have been controlling and that is wrong of me, but there is a kernel of positive value in that controlling. It is my capacity for getting things done, for organizing, even for leadership. I will now concentrate on and release those wonderful attributes. I will find my positive shadow in my negative shadow!" This is working with what is rather than attempting to eliminate what is, and thereby working against psychic truth. Shadow embracing reverses self-alienation and connects us to our own rainbow reality.

To see your dark side, to see what you are really up to while not shaming yourself for it reconnects you to your true self and reveals its spacious grandeur. Such vision is a form of mindfulness. Turning against the external tyrant is useless. You have to see him in your own mirror: "This face is mine. I accept the fact that there is something dark in every one of my motivations. And I still see the light in me too." Jung, toward the end of his life, wrote: "I am astonished, disappointed, and pleased with myself. I am depressed and rapturous. I am all this at once and cannot add up the sum."

No coming. No going.
Everything is pretending
To be born and to die.

David Richo, Ph.D., M.F.T., is a psychotherapist, teacher, and writer in Santa Barbara and San Francisco California who emphasizes Jungian, transpersonal, and spiritual perspectives in his work. He is the author of: How To Be An Adult (Paulist, 1991), When Love Meets Fear (Paulist, 1997), Unexpected Miracles: The Gift of Synchronicity and How to Open It (Crossroad,1998) , Shadow Dance: Liberating the Power and Creativity of Your Dark Side (Shambhala, 1999) and Catholic Means Universal: Integrating Spirituality and Religion (Crossroad, 2000). For a catalog of David Richo’s tapes and events, please visit dave richo.



PSSST- in case you haven't realized, i'm a huge natasha bedingfield fan....

you might want to turn this up a little.....

runaway teen

America Needs to Tackle Rise in Homelessness Among Gay Youth

A gay youth's story is told in "An Epidemic of Homelessness," an alarming report by the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force and the National Coalition for the Homeless that brings together the best research on homeless gay youth and combines it with accounts of the few projects that are successfully addressing the problem. (Read the report at thetaskforce.org.)

here is a snippet of a story that is mirrors this concern.


once upon a time there was a boy growing up in a small town in the middle of a cluster of small towns. every day was a plain day that was filled with the kind of love and horror that accompanies small towns. everybody knows your name and almost everybody verbally documents your game.

he knew he was different from a very young age and had desperately tried to hide that fact from the world. of course, this wasn't possible as his uniqueness was as visible as his brown velvet eyes- you could almost see them both from space.

in this hiding from the world that he spent a good portion of his youth, he found an imaginary world that he could drift into if the real world became too jagged. many times he would slip behind a secret hidden door into a safer less judgemental place where he could breathe without being the subject of discussion.

but alas, these otherworldly dalliances didn't last long and the crush of real time judgement and ridicule would return as would the tape loop of self judgement that dominated his mind.

his home had remained fairly stable but as he eased into puberty, that stability began to shrink. he did his best to careen the tides of mood swings and alcohol abuse that rushed by him on many sides, but it was almost preordained that he would choose self-medication over self-vindication because that's all he saw. puffs and pills as quick fixes and liquid jet packs that one could travel almost anywhere.

trouble was, those travels always ended up back where they began, with a hard desire to hide and a growing backpack of guilt. his heart and mind would swell and ebb with inspiration and self-deprecation so fiercely at times that he would find himself doing things he didn't remember nor would admit. sex and drugs and rock and roll were a mantra for him by the time he was 15. he knew he couldn't continue like this. he could no longer conform to the assigned roles in front of him at school and at a workplace. he couldn't continue to see himself in the eyes of people looking at him. he despised himself and judged himself so fiercely that acid may have run in his veins.

things at home continued to disintegrate. drunk and depressed were his home monitors and staying away was the only coping skill he could muster. one day, filled with rage and determination, he did the only thing he could think of. he knew he wouldn't survive the world he was in. he knew he wasn't ok in his skin. he was a faggot, he was a whore, he was a sissy, he had become a liar. he was 16 and he felt like his life was almost over.

so he ran away. he was 16. he was incredibly naive. he was determined to get away. he couldn't think of anything but now.

today's sound choice is soul asylum with "runaway train"

Soul Asylum - Runaway Train
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