letting go

image credit aaron siskind

"An addict cannot be grateful and hateful at the same time"

so often i find myself in a place that doesn't include one of the foundations of my recovery. that foundation is gratitude. no matter how incomplete my life can feel these days, the mere fact that i have a life is no small matter. i easily and consistently shift from a place that starts with gratitude to a place that really reeks of expectation and entitlement. i know that this is not a healthy place for me to be, and yet i float there repeatedly because it is habit and because when i'm stressed or taxed, i revert to habit.

my credit card was used by someone else and has disrupted my cash flow and my economic safety and security. i find myself working very hard to let go of the tendency to 1)become a victim. and 2) get pissed off. it's working, but it is a real challenge. but no one ever said it would be easy. and i'm learning things about myself that i honestly didn't know. (i don't think i really wanted to know them either.) but, they are here for me to look at. and at the end of the day , i am grateful for the opportunity to have perspective on my own reactions instead of just having those reactions. it's come at a price, but it has value for me.

from page 63 in the book of alcoholics anonymous:

"God, I offer myself to Thee--to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life.

May I do Thy will always!"