so today, i am reminded that i am attempting to live by ideals in my life. somehow, i seem to have gotten off of my path. i suppose this is a natural course of events, as i am not following a set of clear footprints, but merely the map of some, which means i am taking my own steps.
i know that i feel better when i walk away from any situation without the sting of selfishness and self pity, but sometimes i seem to forget that. i will try to find my way back to this ideal again. and the best way i know how to do this is by asking for some bigger guns to come on board.
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.
"An addict cannot be grateful and hateful at the same time"
so often i find myself in a place that doesn't include one of the foundations of my recovery. that foundation is gratitude. no matter how incomplete my life can feel these days, the mere fact that i have a life is no small matter. i easily and consistently shift from a place that starts with gratitude to a place that really reeks of expectation and entitlement. i know that this is not a healthy place for me to be, and yet i float there repeatedly because it is habit and because when i'm stressed or taxed, i revert to habit.
my credit card was used by someone else and has disrupted my cash flow and my economic safety and security. i find myself working very hard to let go of the tendency to 1)become a victim. and 2) get pissed off. it's working, but it is a real challenge. but no one ever said it would be easy. and i'm learning things about myself that i honestly didn't know. (i don't think i really wanted to know them either.) but, they are here for me to look at. and at the end of the day , i am grateful for the opportunity to have perspective on my own reactions instead of just having those reactions. it's come at a price, but it has value for me.
from page 63 in the book of alcoholics anonymous:
"God, I offer myself to Thee--to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life.
last night i poured beer at a fundraiser for an hiv retreat at the request of a friend who has been running that retreat for a coupla years. so it was quite an extravaganza for me as i haven't been to a gay bar for over 3 years and i was a bit apprehensive. i didn't know if i would be judgemental, feel judged, be triggered, be uncomfortable. i really wasn't sure. but i walked through it. i mean, i run a substance abuse program for gay men damnit, i need to be able to be around gay men who get high if i am to be effective. and it's not like i don't know that world, inside and out.
that was actually apparent after about twenty minutes. i scoped out all the exits. i surveyed the lay of the land. i knew how to handle myself. thank goodness i didn't see hoards of old playmates. i ran into someone whose face was completely familiar, but all the details were not there. i felt badly that i couldn't remember the person. or at least remember more than his face. but i tried to be kind and explain that i had killed many brain cells and was lucky to have any, and it seemed to be okay.
and then i ran into another not-so-long-ago friend, or i should say he ran up to me. he asked me what happened to me, yada yada. now, he knows what happened to me. he asked for my number, which he has asked for at least 3 times before. i gave it to him because it was easier than going there. he told me i looked great, and i told him i still didn't party. but i was pouring beer. he withdrew and went back to his whatever. but he kept touching me everytime i walked by. if you want what i have, then do what i've done. that's the long and the short of it. nice guy, quite handsome, well mannered, intelligent, fucked up. if that's the choice, fucked up trumps everything else every time.
