•Personal Relations is my deep seated idea of what this type of relationship should look like.excerpted from the jay walker
•Sex Relations is my deep seated ideas of how a real man and/or real woman would be in this situation.
i have come so far in my belief about sexual encounters in my life. it used to be that i slept with anyone and everyone i could, whenever i could. i did that for years. i never gave it a second thought. i used guys like tissues and they agreed to it, so i rarely even wondered if it was okay. i didn't worry about looking at the soul or the heart of my partners, rather i looked at their outsides and i looked at whether they fit my requirements. if i could set them into my preconceived mold of how the encounter should look.
when i did my fourth step on sex and relationships, sadly there were so many that i could neither count accurately nor could i remember very many names. this is actually appalling to me now, so please do not read callousness in my tone here. i have had to come to terms with my behavior and i have done my best to do so. most of my partners were in agreement with this practice at the time and were of similar minds. it was sex as sport. it was completely recreational without relationship baggage attached. it is not how i look to live my life now. i have begun the forgiveness process and have started to let go as well.
i still objectify good looking men at times, as you can tell by some of the pics i post. but i do that in an adoring fashion hopefully, and i also think that eye candy works to perk one's interest, both for me and the reader. but i have definitely changed my tune with regard to tricking. i have tried it a couple of times in sobriety and it has really been more than underwhelming. it doesn't interest me any longer. i don't want to be validated with a knob job or a ben dover. i would now much prefer a conversation and a shared idea over a shared meal.
i'm glad things have changed. i feel much better about myself and my life this way. the chain doesn't get rattled quite so often, and i have begun to look for something that has much more substance.
and to anonymous- this i am positive is jean carne. i distinctly remember this song of hers as well as "free love". i used to huckle buck at a club called "le pub" in my platform shoes and my flared jeans. hot, hot, hot- or not, not, not.... and i still love the star wars sounds in the music of those days.
