a change is gonna come

this would have been around 1978 or 1979... i called myself a homo named spike.

We lived life from the standpoint of victims. Having an over developed sense of responsibility, we preferred to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. We got guilt feelings when we trusted ourselves, giving in to others. We became reactors rather than actors, letting others take the initiative.....
part of "the problem" of adult children of alcoholics...
from mental health matters

another monday, another week, another end of month, another last month of the year. the cycle goes on, the spiral continues, as the earth moves around the sun. i have discovered myself in new light so many times as these last few rotations have happened. i am more surprised and less shocked with each revelation.

being bipolar, although a lifetime companion, has only just begun be seen and recognized by me. i am now discovering things about myself that perhaps i have never been grounded enough to recognize. i take medicine to counteract the imbalances that flow within me, but i realize they do not erase but a bit.

i can see now some of my patterns. i become inspired, passionate, motivated, and directed in cycles. i have a tendency to make decisions in clusters about tasks and projects i like and will take on. during these times, it all seems so simple. i will just do this and just do that. but then, it's challenging to put the brakes on. i perhaps overestimate my abilities and shortchange my personal downtime.

the flip side of my inspired periods is my overwhelmed or depleted periods. it is sometimes not possible to leave the house for the weekend. this includes not answering the phone, and not interfacing much at all. luckily, it does include napping, but it also includes some overeating and very little exercise.

this cycle has been persisting for a while and i don't think it can sanely continue at this pace much longer. i have to teach myself about boundaries and limits. i'm sure i have them, but i'm also sure i'm not in touch with them. and i believe that this is a new lesson for me. this is part of where i need to guide myself in order to know peace.

this is honestly not meant to be depressing. more so, it is me telling on myself so that i don't harbor this like a secret. and frankly, being aware of this has become a true blessing for me. i can so easily see how i used to use through this. i would party during the inspired times and spin so much that i never really accomplished anything. my brain was twirling too too excessively. and the depleted periods were really exaggerated due to the coming down effect. the fact that i'm not trapped in that same hell i endured for years is grace..

i hope this holiday season brings light forward into this area of my life. my intent is to keep in touch with how i'm feeling and how i'm dealing with those feelings. and i'm curious to see how true to my spiritual program i can remain. i am ready to grow.

back to the original sound choice for today- seal performing "a change is gonna come"

step 2

"In the preceding chapters you have learned something of alcoholism. We hope we have made clear the distinction between the alcoholic and the non-alcoholic. If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic. If that be the case, you may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer." Let me repeat that last part: "If that be the case, you may be suffering from an illness which ONLY a spiritual experience will conquer." ...from barefootsworld.net

step 2 reads "came to believe a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity." many in the rooms use the saying, "i came, i came to, i came to believe". this has become a truth for me that is necessary to keep returning to. i am not sane on many occasions and in many ways. i can't even really be sure what sanity is.

but i do know that i have learned to let go in situations rather than obsess. and obsess i would if i am not aware. it's unhealthy for me to try to replay life over and over in my head. trusting that i will see what perhaps i don't see now, is the path of least resistance and the path of sanity for me these days.

somedays, the only defense i have is surrender. and most times, that is what keeps me sane.

sound choice today is an old 80's fave... wood beez by scritti politti. "next time i go to bed, i pray like aretha franklin...

the flim flam man

i realize now that i really am naive at times. i cannot change that, but hopefully i will grow. i somehow believed that because my intentions are basically honest and good, that i would be protected from any more of the flim flam men that have passed through my life since i was so young. but truth be told, just because i have changed, the rest of the world has no such obligation or directive to follow suit. part of me finds myself at this juncture, feeling as if i have been greased up and bent over. but in my heart, i know that this is really only my ego and not a true reflection of how things are.

i have been graced with the opportunity to have affected quite a bit of change these last 3 years in my hamlet. and i have worked with and met some amazing people. i have witnessed several miracles. i can see growth and regrouping in a poz gay men's movement here. i have participated in a twelfth step to the entire metro area. and have been part of a program which received national recognition for making a difference in the delivery of hiv services. and i have seen several gay men change the course of their lives by getting sober, and start to feel better about themselves. and i cannot forget that i have begun to win back the trust and respect of family and friends that had been so lustfully damaged, not to mention that i am able to look at myself in the mirror without looking away instantly. these are miracles.

and babs sings the very thoughts i've been thinking.

Hands off the man
Flim flam man
His mind is up his sleeve
And his talk is make believe
Oh Lord, the man's a fraud
He's the flim flam man
He's so cagey
He's a flim flam man
Hands off the man
Flim flam man
He's the One In the Trojan Horse Making
Making out like he's Santa Claus
Oh Lord, the man's a fraud
He's a flim flam man
He's a fox
He's a flim flam man
Everybody wants him
The people and the police
And all the pretty ladies disarmed
Oh, oh, yeah, the beautiful gent
You know he has hardly a cent
He pays his monthly rent......
With the daily charm
Hands off the man
Flim flam man
His mind is up his sleeve
And his talk is make believe
Oh, Lord, the man's a fraud
He's a flim flam man
He's an artist
He's a flim flam man
He's so cagey
He's a flim flam men
He's a fox
She's a fool
Flim flam man.
Oh, don't worry
He's dishonest, so don't believe in him
He's a flim flam man...