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Monday, November 24, 2008

a change is gonna come

this would have been around 1978 or 1979... i called myself a homo named spike.

We lived life from the standpoint of victims. Having an over developed sense of responsibility, we preferred to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. We got guilt feelings when we trusted ourselves, giving in to others. We became reactors rather than actors, letting others take the initiative.....
part of "the problem" of adult children of alcoholics...
from mental health matters

another monday, another week, another end of month, another last month of the year. the cycle goes on, the spiral continues, as the earth moves around the sun. i have discovered myself in new light so many times as these last few rotations have happened. i am more surprised and less shocked with each revelation.

being bipolar, although a lifetime companion, has only just begun be seen and recognized by me. i am now discovering things about myself that perhaps i have never been grounded enough to recognize. i take medicine to counteract the imbalances that flow within me, but i realize they do not erase but a bit.

i can see now some of my patterns. i become inspired, passionate, motivated, and directed in cycles. i have a tendency to make decisions in clusters about tasks and projects i like and will take on. during these times, it all seems so simple. i will just do this and just do that. but then, it's challenging to put the brakes on. i perhaps overestimate my abilities and shortchange my personal downtime.

the flip side of my inspired periods is my overwhelmed or depleted periods. it is sometimes not possible to leave the house for the weekend. this includes not answering the phone, and not interfacing much at all. luckily, it does include napping, but it also includes some overeating and very little exercise.

this cycle has been persisting for a while and i don't think it can sanely continue at this pace much longer. i have to teach myself about boundaries and limits. i'm sure i have them, but i'm also sure i'm not in touch with them. and i believe that this is a new lesson for me. this is part of where i need to guide myself in order to know peace.

this is honestly not meant to be depressing. more so, it is me telling on myself so that i don't harbor this like a secret. and frankly, being aware of this has become a true blessing for me. i can so easily see how i used to use through this. i would party during the inspired times and spin so much that i never really accomplished anything. my brain was twirling too too excessively. and the depleted periods were really exaggerated due to the coming down effect. the fact that i'm not trapped in that same hell i endured for years is grace..

i hope this holiday season brings light forward into this area of my life. my intent is to keep in touch with how i'm feeling and how i'm dealing with those feelings. and i'm curious to see how true to my spiritual program i can remain. i am ready to grow.

back to the original sound choice for today- seal performing "a change is gonna come"



Sheria said...

For years I kept trying to figure out what was wrong with me, when I finally accepted that the depression was an element of my normality, then I was able to move on with the business of living. However, I still take to my bed on occasion. Life ain't perfect but for the most part it's pretty damn interesting.

anythingbutsad said...

That picture is classic! As far as your entry.....yeah, it's a delicate dance.

A Bear in the Woods said...

discovering myself always makes me feel curiously let down, until I realize that's what it feels like to have my feet on the ground.

I love the picture. I'd date him in a minute.

Java said...

The shirt you have on in that picture is wonderful. And may I say, so gay?

This post does not sound depressing at all (to me, anyway). It's actually very exciting.

When I was young I always assumed I'd know all this stuff by now. It somehow disturbs me when I keep discovering new things about myself, probably because it indicates I need to change something.

sarah said...

I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don't know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.


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