i had breakfast with my sponsor yesterday. i hadn't seen him in awhile as he had a fairly radical surgical procedure for esophogial cancer. he has lost about 50 pounds and he has been blessed with much rest and time to reflect on the importance of things and the value of living. he seemed at peace and eager to love.
i realized that my own life has been very different these last couple of months and partially because i felt fear about losing him. i remember having thoughts of being completely lost without that bastion of support he has given me these four years. and i suppose i have been keeping myself very lost in work and activities so i wouldn't have to look at those fears. not sure if this is healthy behavior or not, but this is my experience.
i also saw an old friend in november that i hadn't seen in awhile. there swirled around him some rumors of current injection meth use. these stories , coupled with some erratic behavior on his part, gave me pause to be concerned. firstly for his health and safety, having my own documented catastrophic experience in this arena, but also because i have cherished his love and support for many years and immediately there was profound fear of losing that love. i did not process these concerns though. i stuffed them, and charged forward just a tight end might push ahead in search of a touchdown. don't think i've yet reached that goal.
three weeks before christmas, i had a surprise conversation about the grant i am working through. because of budget shifts and money crunches the once expected second-year renewal of that funding is hazy and not a slam-dunk at all. i have been quietly working at not letting this cause me concern, but secretly playing out strategies in my head to counter this loss of revenue as i don't feel my current work is finished. sidenote here, i don't think i perceive my work as to be that which is outlined in this particular grant. i see the scope of the work i am doing quite a bit wider than is laid out currently. the unoutlined scope is perhaps more exciting to me because it's fuel is syncronicity, which is one of the cornerstones of my recovery. allowing what is to be come forward and accepting the challenge. yet here i was all month spending energy on worrying and trying to control the outcome.
amidst all this fear of loss, and with the intention of blocking it out, i have been barrelling through my days with nary a moment or two for reflection or the time to actuallly have my feelings. this morning i am enlightened with the realization that i have been doing very much the same thing i have been doing most of my life- getting lost in addictive behavior.
it's not easy to look at this. the consequences of work as an addictive behavior is far less costly, although it is equally toxic, thus flies under the radar so easily. the less i am in touch with my feelings, the less authentic my life is. i strive to be as present in my day as i can. i guess recently that just hasn't been very much. it is far less interesting to view a colorful painting of a beautiful field of flowers on a summer afternoon or a winter visit to a babbling creek, than it is to be actually standing there, with the sounds, smells, and other senses of truly being in the middle of it. this is where i need to redirect my attention. being here now, even if it hurts sometimes. for me, this is what my recovery means. and these revelations i am awakening to are the reasons i am on the path on which i find myself.
And slowly I've come to realize
It's all as it should be
That hiding space
A lonely place
How can the right thing be so wrong?
I've found mistakes
Where they don't belong
For the love of life
We'll defeat this
They may tear us down
But we'll go down fighting
today's sound choice is david sylvian with "for the love of life". funny thing - i was thinking of using "my friends" from sweeney todd because i love the metaphor of the razors as addictive behaviors, but i stumbled upon this youtube entry and thought the song so haunting, i couldn't pass it by.