for the love of life

i had breakfast with my sponsor yesterday. i hadn't seen him in awhile as he had a fairly radical surgical procedure for esophogial cancer. he has lost about 50 pounds and he has been blessed with much rest and time to reflect on the importance of things and the value of living. he seemed at peace and eager to love.

i realized that my own life has been very different these last couple of months and partially because i felt fear about losing him. i remember having thoughts of being completely lost without that bastion of support he has given me these four years. and i suppose i have been keeping myself very lost in work and activities so i wouldn't have to look at those fears. not sure if this is healthy behavior or not, but this is my experience.

i also saw an old friend in november that i hadn't seen in awhile. there swirled around him some rumors of current injection meth use. these stories , coupled with some erratic behavior on his part, gave me pause to be concerned. firstly for his health and safety, having my own documented catastrophic experience in this arena, but also because i have cherished his love and support for many years and immediately there was profound fear of losing that love. i did not process these concerns though. i stuffed them, and charged forward just a tight end might push ahead in search of a touchdown. don't think i've yet reached that goal.

three weeks before christmas, i had a surprise conversation about the grant i am working through. because of budget shifts and money crunches the once expected second-year renewal of that funding is hazy and not a slam-dunk at all. i have been quietly working at not letting this cause me concern, but secretly playing out strategies in my head to counter this loss of revenue as i don't feel my current work is finished. sidenote here, i don't think i perceive my work as to be that which is outlined in this particular grant. i see the scope of the work i am doing quite a bit wider than is laid out currently. the unoutlined scope is perhaps more exciting to me because it's fuel is syncronicity, which is one of the cornerstones of my recovery. allowing what is to be come forward and accepting the challenge. yet here i was all month spending energy on worrying and trying to control the outcome.

amidst all this fear of loss, and with the intention of blocking it out,  i have been barrelling through my days with nary a moment or two for reflection or the time to actuallly have my feelings. this morning i am enlightened with the realization that i have been doing very much the same thing i have been doing most of my life- getting lost in addictive behavior.

it's not easy to look at this. the consequences of work as an addictive behavior is far less costly, although it is equally toxic, thus flies under the radar so easily. the less i am in touch with my feelings, the less authentic my life is. i strive to be as present in my day as i can. i guess recently that just hasn't been very much. it is far less interesting to view a colorful painting of a beautiful field of flowers on a summer afternoon or a winter visit to a babbling creek, than it is to be actually standing there, with the sounds, smells, and other senses of truly being in the middle of it. this is where i need to redirect my attention. being here now, even if it hurts sometimes. for me, this is what my recovery means. and these revelations i am awakening to are the reasons i am on the path on which i find myself.

And slowly I've come to realize
It's all as it should be
That hiding space
A lonely place
How can the right thing be so wrong?
I've found mistakes
Where they don't belong
For the love of life
We'll defeat this
They may tear us down
But we'll go down fighting
Won't we?
 
today's sound choice is david sylvian with "for the love of life". funny thing - i was thinking of using "my friends" from sweeney todd because i love the metaphor of the razors as addictive behaviors, but i stumbled upon this youtube entry and thought the song so haunting, i couldn't pass it by.
 

 
 
 
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just another manic monday

shifting gears from weekend to weekday is much easier since i have slowed way down on the catering gigs. i had the shopping day on saturday and went to see the new travolta/washington film, and then sunday i was fortunate enough to see a friend for tea and got a mess (literally) of yard work done that has been causing me grief.

i purchased new curtains for the bohemian love pad, new dishes, and some new shirts which i sorely need. i even bought a lavendar polo, although i cannot even begin to figure where i might wear it. no doubt more will be revealed.

amazingly, i did not get everything done i hoped for. but i did accomplish personal care items and am thrilled with that. so when i slip into sunday afternoon, i feel a little remorse, but even more satisfaction that i was blessed with down time.

monday morning brings a 6am workout, followed by a huddle at the office at 8am. working straight through till 5p with an hour lunch and a change of locations in the afternoon, followed by a drive to the burbs for 4 hours of dui classes. this seems the longest day as it is in such opposition to the weekend.

the blessed part of this crazy schedule is the very little amount of time i have to be in my own head. i am required to be present for others for the totality of work time. i am allowed to be of service and find ways to give to others.

today's sound choice is an acoustic version of manic monday by the bangles.

sense of wonder

Everything is changeable, everything appears and disappears; there is no blissful peace until one passes beyond the agony of life and death... Buddha

i spent a full day with a client on my first day back at work. we had several stops to make. i didn't have time to worry about myself one bit. this was pleasant. somehow this gives me great hope.

another full day. work. lunch w/ my lawyer. meetings. back to basics is where i go to find fuel to continue on. back to basics.

Give me release
witness me
I am outside
give me peace

Heaven holds a sense of wonder
and I wanted to believe
that I'd get caught up
when the rage in me subsides

In this white wave
I am sinking
in this silence
in this white wave
in this silence
I believe

sarah mclachlan full lyrics here

return to paradise

“Work spares us from three evils: boredom, vice, and need” Voltaire

i have taken a part time job to provide finances while my direction is discovered. the agency i am working with has been quite generous and supportive about my participation and my involvement. i am banking on the fact that less free time will be really beneficial to my outlook. i am not made of the stuff that will allow me to remain fairly undirected on a daily basis.

work is energy for me. work is sustenance. occupation is healthy.

i'm glad to be returning to it.

here's to a fun and fantastic sunday.

resolution

image credit: exterface


i nearly had a meltdown the other day and it totally jolted me. i got triggered by some action at my office and found myself feeling completely unsupported and left hanging out to dry. the truth is that i don't think much of my feelings were about anything that happened specifically there or then, but more a recurrance of something from my past. it was an excruciating day and i struggled to get through it. i reverted to old thought patterns and behaviors and really felt abandoned and lost.

i cannot say with certainty what the whole picture in this is. i know i am evolving somewhat because i noticed it pretty quickly. i believe i was triggered by behaviors in another. i think that the thumbprint of our relationship is enmeshed a bit and perhaps not healthy, and it resurrects another very unhealthy working/enmeshed relationship i had for many years. the behaviors are similar. so similar, in fact, that it is uncanny.

the curious thing is how and why i have attracted this very same type of relationship to me? what is there in all this to learn? how may i find the way to move through this pattern which will be kind and supportive of myself?

i have worked diligently to get this project off the ground and moving. and i found myself toying with the idea of walking away, just as i had in the last situation. before, i had helped move an organization and an idea from the planning stages to brick and mortar and we were doing a healthy lot of revenue every year. i was a partner in the situation and really after 12 years found myself with very little to show for it. the partners both had houses, and were safeguarding their personal investments and time, and i did not have those same boundaries. and the other day, i had some extreme anger that was rooted in those very same feelings.

i felt like a sucker. now i am not sure if i am finding an answer in all this today. as a matter of fact, i am sure i am not. i believe i am just making room for truth and love to move into my heart and into my life. it's not easy feeling like a patsy. but it's one i am familiar with. it's also one i need to learn not to revisit.

thank goodness i don't have to do that today. and thank goodness there is hope that healing can happen. can't wait to be able to see "kiss kiss in the rearview, baby" to this behavior and to this pattern.