facing east

it's the middle of march and colorado has had very little snow this year. it has been quite warm and spring is peaking its head around what seems like every corner. bulbs have been planted long ago, and nature just takes its course. the crocus i have seen in my neighborhood seem incredibly large, and i purchased these daffodils at whole foods. i spent a good deal of yesterday working around my house feasting on all this yellow and green and taking in their really amazing fragrance.

i notice a much calmer demeanor has moved into my life. something much calmer than i remember before. i don't mind spending time alone, i am not desperate for conversation of any kind to drown out the silence, and i am adjusting to my own thoughts. my sponsee and i have not been connecting for months now. it's no longer funny. it may be time to encourage change in that arena.

at lunch yesterday, someone asked me if i was seeing anyone. i nearly choked, as it seemed such an absurd question. i answered "no, because i haven't left the time zone". this is an old attitude for me. in my younger days, i only played around when i left denver(which was a bi-monthly event). i actually have never really dated anyone in denver, nor even put in on my radar. this frame of mind is probably self-fulfilling. i have always noticed people interested in me almost everywhere but here.

i feel my heart growing up this year. i can sense that changes that have been planted and nourished are taking root and making themselves at home. i smile from my heart spontaneously and i laugh at myself more easily.

today's sound choice is one of my favorite groups- thievery corporation with "facing east"

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image credit: exterface


i nearly had a meltdown the other day and it totally jolted me. i got triggered by some action at my office and found myself feeling completely unsupported and left hanging out to dry. the truth is that i don't think much of my feelings were about anything that happened specifically there or then, but more a recurrance of something from my past. it was an excruciating day and i struggled to get through it. i reverted to old thought patterns and behaviors and really felt abandoned and lost.

i cannot say with certainty what the whole picture in this is. i know i am evolving somewhat because i noticed it pretty quickly. i believe i was triggered by behaviors in another. i think that the thumbprint of our relationship is enmeshed a bit and perhaps not healthy, and it resurrects another very unhealthy working/enmeshed relationship i had for many years. the behaviors are similar. so similar, in fact, that it is uncanny.

the curious thing is how and why i have attracted this very same type of relationship to me? what is there in all this to learn? how may i find the way to move through this pattern which will be kind and supportive of myself?

i have worked diligently to get this project off the ground and moving. and i found myself toying with the idea of walking away, just as i had in the last situation. before, i had helped move an organization and an idea from the planning stages to brick and mortar and we were doing a healthy lot of revenue every year. i was a partner in the situation and really after 12 years found myself with very little to show for it. the partners both had houses, and were safeguarding their personal investments and time, and i did not have those same boundaries. and the other day, i had some extreme anger that was rooted in those very same feelings.

i felt like a sucker. now i am not sure if i am finding an answer in all this today. as a matter of fact, i am sure i am not. i believe i am just making room for truth and love to move into my heart and into my life. it's not easy feeling like a patsy. but it's one i am familiar with. it's also one i need to learn not to revisit.

thank goodness i don't have to do that today. and thank goodness there is hope that healing can happen. can't wait to be able to see "kiss kiss in the rearview, baby" to this behavior and to this pattern.