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Saturday, March 8, 2008


image credit: exterface

i nearly had a meltdown the other day and it totally jolted me. i got triggered by some action at my office and found myself feeling completely unsupported and left hanging out to dry. the truth is that i don't think much of my feelings were about anything that happened specifically there or then, but more a recurrance of something from my past. it was an excruciating day and i struggled to get through it. i reverted to old thought patterns and behaviors and really felt abandoned and lost.

i cannot say with certainty what the whole picture in this is. i know i am evolving somewhat because i noticed it pretty quickly. i believe i was triggered by behaviors in another. i think that the thumbprint of our relationship is enmeshed a bit and perhaps not healthy, and it resurrects another very unhealthy working/enmeshed relationship i had for many years. the behaviors are similar. so similar, in fact, that it is uncanny.

the curious thing is how and why i have attracted this very same type of relationship to me? what is there in all this to learn? how may i find the way to move through this pattern which will be kind and supportive of myself?

i have worked diligently to get this project off the ground and moving. and i found myself toying with the idea of walking away, just as i had in the last situation. before, i had helped move an organization and an idea from the planning stages to brick and mortar and we were doing a healthy lot of revenue every year. i was a partner in the situation and really after 12 years found myself with very little to show for it. the partners both had houses, and were safeguarding their personal investments and time, and i did not have those same boundaries. and the other day, i had some extreme anger that was rooted in those very same feelings.

i felt like a sucker. now i am not sure if i am finding an answer in all this today. as a matter of fact, i am sure i am not. i believe i am just making room for truth and love to move into my heart and into my life. it's not easy feeling like a patsy. but it's one i am familiar with. it's also one i need to learn not to revisit.

thank goodness i don't have to do that today. and thank goodness there is hope that healing can happen. can't wait to be able to see "kiss kiss in the rearview, baby" to this behavior and to this pattern.


Wayward Son said...

I am learning that the larger part of me is much more than can be defined by my experiences on Earth. Somehow, I do not believe that this "lesson" will ever be fully realized but that it is the continuous learning that is to be my experience. When I can, I embrace the conflicts I encounter with this in mind, I move through them effortlessly. When I cannot get to that place of understanding, I begin counting my breaths until the anxiety dissipates and I begin to feel myself and life move forward, which inevitably it does.

This is all to say that you (we) are so much more than secured finances, brick & mortar or any other measure of our efforts. I know this, in part, because I have read of such things in this very blog.

Though I loath to read that you are experiencing conflict, I am reassured by the certainty that you are growing and, thusly, so am I lest I temporarily forget this.

Thanks for the thoughtful view of your experience.

Marc said...

I would urge you to remember the kind of work you are doing. It's not exactly a hotbed of mental health, the recovery field.
But also, talk to friends about the work they do, and you'll remember no place is immune to office politics and personality conflict--even if we are always prone to the illusion that every one else has it much more harmoniously than we do.
Spoken from the comfort of someone who works alone, at home. You may shoot me.

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