it's on

rider michael varnen

the weekend has brought me rest and peace of mind. this is quite a departure from where my weekends were only months ago. the down time was treacherous and hard to maneuver. what a difference a few months can make, as well as a full time job and a need to relax.

i heard from my friend from san francisco again and we are to try to connect soon. amazingly, he came across my name on the sin yahoo group. he told me he saw my name and thought "you've got to be kidding".. i love this coincidence...

got tickets for a laurie anderson performance at colorado state this next month. i haven't seen her for roughly 25 years. i am certainly older and hopefully wiser, and i would expect nothing less of her. i understand she is doing much more with her violin and much of it is even symphonic. she was definitely someone i worshipped in the 80's. she was a thinking artist, pal-ing around with william s burroughs and lou reed. i look forward to the show.

the riders have arrived at the first leg of their 7 day jaunt in the california aids/lifecycle. this annual effort captivates my attention. i admire much both my fellow positives as well as the athletes who take their time to raise money and awareness that this virus has not gone away. so many sacrifices have been made in the struggle to live that i think we have a tendency to take them for granted. but 7 days of gruelling pedalling gets my attention for its heroics and romance..

i am so blessed at this juncture of my life. i have no reason to think why, but luckily i have no reason to think why not. i have re-engaged with my exercise program in the morning and have re-started a nutritional supplement as well. i believe both of these new additions have helped to reshape my perspective. i have quite a week ahead and hope i can weather the ride. it will hardly reflect the challenges that my brothers and sisters are undergoing on their trek, but i honestly hope some part of it will have a similarly directed impact.

what it's like

Iv seen a rich man beg, Iv seen a good man sin, Iv seen a tough man cry
Iv seen a loser win and a sad man grin I heard an honest man lie
Iv seen the good side of bad and the down side of up and everything between
I licked the silver spoon, drank from the golden cup and smoked the finest green
I Stroked the fattest dimes at least a couple of times before Ibroke their hearts
you know where it is yo, it usually depends on where you start.

the process of rebuilding my sense of self is at hand. or at least i understand now that i have to begin. i've had a few weeks to find my footing again, and now i have to make myself useful once more. the process of free time, (not away time) and interviewing lead me to the edge of idle hands and mind. so i now need to roll up my sleeves and get busy, so that i don't fall into a low tide.

the truth is that there are many people who are in much less attractive circumstances than i now find myself, and i have some experience in finding that bridge. i also have first hand experience that feeling good again is possible and part of my responsibility and my privilege is to share that experience.