i feel it all

photo credit: shining ones

"The difference between my will and God's will is that my will starts out easy and gets hard, and God's will starts out hard and gets easy."

A perfect example of this quote is the program itself. My will told me it was much easier to keep using and doing what I was doing then to work the program and the steps. Of course, my will may have appeared easier at first, but oh how hard that path was. By contrast, God's will for me was to recover, and though it was hard at first my life is infinitely better and life truly is easier.

The main problem with my will is that it is first and foremost about me. It tricks me into believing that if I take care of my wants first, then I'll be able to help another -- of course I usually find out that my wants are insatiable, and I quickly become lost in their demands.

God's will, on the other hand, is usually about helping others and with what's right for all concerned -- the whole picture in which I am just part. While this seems backwards to me at times, I always find out that when I'm able to surrender to God's will, my real wants and needs are met and exceeded in ways I never could have imagined.

These days it's easier for me to differentiate between my will and God's will, and more and more I'm able to make the right choice. Ultimately. it's about being comfortable in my own skin, and only choosing God's guarantees me that.

from ezinearticles.com

well, i have exhausted my capacity to be angry about this last situation. hope, serenity, and laughter have found their way back into my heart. it has been 3 months now since i fell into an emotional hole, and almost 2 since i had the second rug pulled out from under me with regard to my vocation. i don't call it a career as it was still so new. i had really only been engaged in it about 2 years, so i don't think it qualifies as a career. and i am not sure if i will continue with counseling as a profession.

i have certainly run the gamut with regard to emotions on this one. i have been much angrier than i like to admit. i have felt betrayed. i have felt used. i have felt crazy. i have felt sad and i have felt like a failure. i have felt cheated. i have felt relieved in some ways, because i knew some things at that workplace were (and are) terribly wrong.

i took the time to speak with a legal representative and we talked for about 2 hours about the entire situation. it was very much like purging and it was also really helpful. i received some guidance with regard to possible direction and avenues for me to pursue. clearly, for me, there are a couple of actions that i need to take.
and he strongly urged that i am clear on my motives.

i agree. i don't want sour grapes to be the thing that propels me into the future. i received a call from the AIDS healthcare unit at the state health department, inquiring if i would be interested in doing some contract work for a short time. the income would be very helpful. they are very interested in the newsletter and it's potential to bring poz men into care. it is simply a conversation, but i must say, it felt like validation for some of the work i have been doing, too. i felt hugged.

“Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.” ...Dr. Seuss