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Tuesday, September 22, 2009

shut your eyes

And when the worrying starts to hurt
and the world feels like graves of dirt
Just close your eyes until
you can imagine this place, yeah, our secret space at will

i feel as if i am moving into a new direction in my life. it's not as if i have changed course, just that i have changed sails more likely. i am still working, i am still pouringa href=""> myself into that work, and i am still dedicated to doing the best job and living as much in the present as i am able.

however, the tools i use have shifted. as my vision of what's in front of me expands, so do i realize that many of the things i have brought with me from my past may no longer serve me. tools like self-deprecation, doubt, rigidity, and control issues that have been with me so long i can't remember how i acquired them. whenever they came on board, i am realizing that perhaps they no longer belong in my front line assembly as i manufacture my future.

i received a mention from a local organization named afr in the program for their 2009recovery rally this year for work in the hiv community. i was surprised and quite honored. i was scheduled to work a roshashana party that day, but stopped by the rally early to say hello. the board president coaxed me into speaking to the crowd for a minute, which i did, and i realized i had nothing prepared. this was embarrassing for me as i had no clear message to give and couldn't think on my feet to find one. here is where the new direction comes in. my prior modus operandi would be to mentally flog myself repeatedly for not doing better. this would have lasted several days to a week and would not have given me much cerebral tranquility. it's something i have grown very used to over the years and wouldn't have made an obvious dent in any of my armor, but inside i would have tearing at own structure ravenously. somehow, i realized the futility of this. i cannot explain it in any way other than divine intervention. i almost instantly decided that my normal way was moot and let it go. needless to say, the rest of the weekend has been calm. this is unusual in my bipolar mind. and this has been a gift.

this is one small example among several that life continues to change. i need these reassurances now and again to keep things fresh. i have no doubts i have not changed completely, but i have no proof that it's required either. i do know that a stillness and new peace has entered my heart. i am letting go of grudges and resentments almost effortlessly. far from perfection in this realm, i am noticing giant strides and a huge release of pressure in my soul. hopefully this translates into the interactions i have in my life.

on a real level, i now know that when things get really tough, and i feel snaky and squirrely, that there is a better place-one that doesn't have to land me with a huge hangover, and empty wallet, and a big pile of doodoo. someplace much better than that. thank heavens for this little nugget in my world.

today's sound choice is snow patrol's "shut your eyes". i have been listening to this again and have fallen in love all over again, too. the vid has the vid's creator's shot of holland in the winter. it snowed heavily in the mountains yesterday and i thought it apropos.


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