for what it's worth

Step Four

"Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."

The real work begins in Step Four. In the first three steps we admitted our powerlessness; agreed that of ourselves and by ourselves we were not able to effect recovery; and made the decision to trust a power greater than ourselves to be our guide.

Now we are about to embark on a process of self evaluation, an inventory in which we will assess the qualities we posses--both negative and positive---to determine our future course of action.

We've found it advisable to do a written inventory. This is because our minds have a tendency to ricochet off the subject at hand and to dwell on emotions rather than on hard facts. We also suggest that you keep what you have written for future reference.

Our goal in Step Four is to experience a lightening of the load we've been carrying, and to begin to believe that we can create a comfortable and rewarding lifestyle. courtesy of soberrecovery.com

i feel like it is the end of my fiscal year... (must be the 50 thing)

i have been holed up in my house all day. i did get a few things finished that needed tending. i re-arranged all my furniture. i took a nap. i was grouchy with a friend on the phone. luckily i called him back and told him why i was crotchety, and what was bothering me. this is such a big change of behavior for me. to actually tell someone how i was feeling and why. it did have something to do with my perceptions of his actions. god, it felt great. otherwise i would have spent the afternoon brooding about that. step 4 thank you...and bill w. thank you.

instead, i cleared some of my head and heart. i have a lot going on every week, and i guess i just need a break now and again. i was in dc last week and it was go go go, and the weekend brought my bday party and another bbq. i started a new part time gig this week. i have recommitted to a service position and found that this time it may come with baggage in the shape of a former co-worker. and i feel change coming on. the last time i wrote something like this it was march 11 and man did things change the very next day. i wrote "i love this evening" which was funny because the "tomorrow" that followed was the largest emotional storm i have known in recovery to date. i felt secure when i penned those words that night, and even though the emotional torrent i have ridden since has caused me pain, there are old scars and wounds that were opened that have actually been cleansed, stitched up, and healed and i am stronger for it. but i have a resentment still. my ego hates that i was blindsided. and i like to think that i know what is fair, and my treatment there certainly wasn't that. even though i blogged about deserving happiness, and opened my self up to make room for it, my head still doesn't understand that not being there, not being in that job, no matter how it happened, is exactly what i had asked for, and what i needed.

and then yesterday gave me a couple of surprises that shook me a bit. so today, i closed up rodshop and just have been trying to remember where i am, how i got here, and where i am going. i'm in a time out. it is a requirement sometimes, if i am to stay connected to the sunny side of crazy.

i round out the day with a meeting in honor of one of my friends' one year clean.(he accompanied me to ptown roundup last year). it was a good thing for me to do. he got teary and people congratulated him. well, a year is an incredible milestone. someone was also celebrating their 19th year. amid the sharing, i was reminded of the kiss....keep it simple stupid... ways to slide back to old thinking and old behaviors will probably continue to appear for the rest of my life. i will feel overwhelmed repeatedly as long as i ignore my own boundaries and limits. i don't have to do this life perfectly. the stumbling and the storms are where god lives,too. i have been taught that if i can feel god in the middle of a hurricane in my life, then i truly have found god.

jack at drill and hammer has posted a letter about sarah palin i hadn't seen. i know this is probably singing to the choir, but i hope you read it and share it. as a wise man once said recently- this election is not about the politicians, it is about us- the citizens. and we need to raise our voices to maintain that truth.