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Monday, November 3, 2008

teach me

"When I'm alone and by myself, I'm out numbered.

I remember the first time I heard about the committee. Someone shared that when she went to sleep, the committee in her head got together and started going over all the things that were wrong and why her life was never going to work out. They collected evidence, put solid cases together, and then reached their decisions. When she woke up in the morning, they handed her their verdict - guilty and sentenced to a miserable life!

there is a pattern here. i haven't quite figured it out, yet. my intention was to consult with a psychiatrist, but i have "forgotten" the last two appointments. i finally just cancelled my future ones because i can't see myself being ready to look into this really and forget my scheduled appointments.

i find that when i have a job, a purpose, a reason to be somewhere, i am basically fine. but when i just try to do something with the only purpose of having fun, or i just do nothing, i spend a good deal of time going around in circles berating myself for ridiculously insignificant things. so any downtime i have, i spend flogging myself mentally.

please, make no mistake, i have a mental health issue. i am taking medication for that and am under a doctor's care. but i think what i am writing about might be something else. i think that i have probably always been like this my whole life. i just always medicated it before. i think i might be glaring at another of my character defects.

i am not looking for validation here. i am not asking for reassurance of any sort. i am mostly just telling on myself. i am speaking out loud that this is a way for me to ask that i recognize this in myself. and i will do the work to be ready to have it removed. or better yet, i ask that i become better equipped to handle these incessant thoughts and find the blessings they offer.

todays song choice "teach me tonight" by amy winehouse



absolutwillie said...

having learned to be mindful of my own thoughts - i am able to fully identify with yours, again :0) "the committee" sounds about right.

i try to tell the committee off, when i realize they're convening - and when they drown out my arguments, i whistle. any old silly tune will do - as long as it's fun! (my committee hates fun, no matter how trivial.)

anythingbutsad said...

Yeah, it's important for all of us to have a focus. That's why I'm not sure if I can ever retire...

Marc said...

You forgot the full name: "The IttyBittyShittyCommittee"

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