denver under construction (view from diamond hill)
part of the process of the 12steps is step 9 which reads:
Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others
for me this is not an easy one-two-three step. it is complicated and it involves history with people in my life who are in active addiction, it involves an abuser, and it involves my own behavior in sobriety as a result of ptsd. these are not simple items. these are very complicated circumstances for me. the lesson i am learning in my life is to really try to keep an open heart. to try- really try- to not control outcomes and to make room for miracles in my life.
i was able to have lunch with my cousin who lives in palm springs. he actually had helped me out and finally had to let go when i was spinning like a top in my tweaker costume. we didn't talk much about the horrors of all that. there's really not too much need for that. we did talk about our lives today, the way we are now, and the challenges we face. i was able to express to him that there is not a true way for me to understand how much i hurt him or how much inconvenience and pain i caused but i would definitely welcome the opportunity to set anything right.
he jumped in his seat and told me that no amount of money and no amount of favors could do as much for him as my acknowledging his feelings. he told me he was proud of me, and he told that he didn't know many people who could find their way back from hell, and then not only have the opportunities i have, but actually make use of them.
this blew me away...
the other amends i need to make with a family member went without being addressed. it wasn't the right time. that person can not hear what i have to say. and i am learning to just take things one day at a time and be completely okay with this. and try to become more willing.
and to all my blog friends in recovery, or in a state of healing, or considering either, this is added as an afterthought. indeed, recovery is a solo journey, but the truth is that it is an incredible ensemble piece. i cannot do it without the help of the people who come before me and the people who will come after.