sway

i am not sure how to start this post. i want to say "as part of my service work in my recovery" but i am not sure that truly applies. i am currently co-chairing a committee for plwh that funnels into the planning council for the mayor's office of hiv resources. this council helps steer the categories for ryan white funding. we have renamed the committee rebuilt+. it's an odd assignment because there are so few people interested in participating that i have come across.

i can't say i blame them. it's really pretty dry. we have meetings and we discuss any issues or details that might be in front of the council at that time. but there is no perceived need for advocacy currently. and perhaps there isn't any real need. or is there?

i live in denver and my take is that it is a very conservative city. people don't air their dirty laundry. people don't talk about what isn't working, they just grin and bear it. i'm not quite sure what the historical reason for this behavior is, but i do know that it is a city that has been populated over the years by many relocating people some of whom were trying to get away from something, whether it's the law or society, or people, i'm not sure. but it definitely seems to be a town of myob.

and so when i drifted back to denver from the west coast as i was trying to either die or quit crystal, i tried to get into recovery, but i had a hella tuff time finding anybody that was on a parallel path. that was frustrating and provided me with even more reasons to believe that i was a loser and there would probably be no real help for me. i cannot guarantee that much of this was due to my brain having been in a cuisinart with crystal meth for a couple of years either.

so back to my reason for posting. i steer this committee and i am struggling to get people interested in this advocacy process and indeed in their own futures. when i said there is no perceived need, the emphasis really is on "perceived". the majority of plwh/hiv'ers and pwa's in this town (and probably many cities) are over 40. the survival time is lengthy here and people thrive because of the climate, the pace of life, and the lack of competition for services. but the emerging and possible emerging issues about living with this virus are not being addressed currently by local aso's, treatment providers, or by any pwa organizations.

we are aging. it's a fact and no denial will change that. we are living longer, yes. well beyond the ages any of us believed we would. and aids probably won't kill us, but conditions caused by the meds may kill some of us. and there's no telling who and when that will happen.

and the other mystery is depression. maybe it's me, but i think living as a gay man has enough stress to create depression once in awhile. especially when it is attached to aging. not that we are a narcissistic culture or anything :p. and top that off with survivor's guilt, with isolation issues, diminished sexual encounters, impotence, and the rest of the joys of being over 40 or 50 and we are more than just a bad day waiting to happen.

maybe that's what some(just some) of this crystal meth fiasco is. a response to depression, isolation, ageism, homophobia, and pain management. i really believe this. look at the figures in the polls of hiv poz persons who do meth. the numbers are really staggering. something is going on. and if we don't care enough to figure it out, how do we assist others with options to redirect these self-medicating tendencies? we believe one pracical way is in public service, volunteerism, and community participation. that can be a great way for a person to see real time the results of those actions. and we think we are much more likely to find solutions to obstacles while searching in tandem, rather than a thousand independent studies. the crisis may be quelled, but the need and the practicality of working together towards a better future are alive and kicking, just as we are.

so we are going to try to raise some interest and awareness and revive this dead horse here in denver by hosting an evening out- an event. something social and something different, not necessarily just for the people who are doing well, but for the people who are being supported by ryan white services. we are going to start there because we think that some good may come from putting some love and attention there. we are not trying to raise funds, we are trying to raise involvement and self-efficacy. i know that for two years after i had lost my chi, i needed ryan white services to help get my life back in some sense of order and rediscover my core self. and i think others may experience this rejuvenation process by getting involved, too. plus, there is the reality of men newly testing positive every year. there are very few social groups and no peer support to really speak of and not much of any emotionally invested voices published anywhere locally for guys to reflect upon. so if we bring this message of health and growth through creating community, will anyone listen? will anyone care? more importantly, will that matter to me? or am i doing it because i believe it's the right thing to do? will anybody's opinion sway?