the slowly-becoming bearable lightness of being

well i'm not exactly sure if the title really says it as it is, but it'll have to do. i come with quite a bit of baggage and i am trying to let some of that go as i trudge through the destiny of what is ahead of me.

i find that the things that challenge me most are the interactions with individuals. not all individuals, but specific ones, and random at that. sometimes it's almost as if i were being held close to a flame, so very noticeable is my uncomfortability.

and as i have many leftover emotional maturity levels of a teenager, i have yet to apprentice how to handle many stiuations that involve an exhange of ideas with others. most times i leave these situations with visions that i have spoken out of turn or said something inappropriate. my regular readers will no doubt be bored with this insight, as i have touched on it many times. but my hope is that you, dear readers, will understand more fully some of my frustration and notice a slight change with this observation of another soap-opera-like episode.

so here i sit, with the internal frenzy that mirrors ingesting niacin, but the twisting that accompanies these encounters has dimmed. the fish-on-a-hook reaction is not so uncomfortable. certainly a level of actual comfort has not been achieved, but feeling as if my insides are being torn out has gone away as well.

not really sure what to call it, i am choosing to define my state as one of healing. perhaps someday i will be able to leave a social situation without the slightes pang of feeling gutted. i think i may be on the way.

sound choice is esther satterfield from 1974 with "love is stronger far than we"..

enabler

one of the more difficult and challenging aspects of getting clean is to change people, places, and activities. this is partly due to enabling. all those people we partied with will most definitely enable us to continue. just because we are changing our habits is by no means any indication that they are going to change theirs or become aware of any of our desires to change. quite the opposite, if we are changing around them, they might be inclined to start thinking about their own use and habits. and they probably are not ready to consider that at all. and it's easy to believe that they would do everything in their power to avoid thinking about change. i know i did.


i found this definition of enabler( along with more) on wisegeek

An enabler in most definitions is a person who through his or her actions allows someone else to achieve something. Most often the term enabler is associated with people who allow loved ones to behave in ways that are destructive. For example, an enabler wife of an alcoholic might continue to provide the husband with alcohol. A person might be an enabler of a gambler or compulsive spender by lending them money to get out of debt.

In this fashion, though the enabler may be acting out of love and trying to help or protect a person, he or she is actually making a chronic problem like an addiction worse. By continuing to lend money to the gambler, for example, the gambler doesn’t have to face the consequences of his actions. Someone is there to bail him out of trouble and continue to enable his behavior.

The term enabler is also part of the larger definition of codependency. Codependency at first arose as a definition of adaptive behaviors a person might make if he or she lives with someone with substance abuse or severe emotional problems. A codependent tends to remain so, because he or she adapts to or ignores the behaviors of the ill person. In fact, the codependent often becomes an enabler because it allows one to be involved in fewer conflicts.

if this resembles you or a loved one, perhaps you are not helping your loved one by holding them back from the reality of their behaviors. it is believed that you could be as sick as the person with the addiction and contributing to their demise as well as your own. you can find more information and perhaps assistance at coda.

a smile in my heart

sometimes things are worth their weight in gold. i think this is one of them. circumstances have revealed more about me than i wanted to know. i went to a workshop at serenity with this title and rightly so. i had spent a quietly insane late night doing something along these lines(i'll post on this upon my return home)... looks like change needs to get a hold on me.. meanwhile, having a blast!

ain't this the truth?