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Sunday, February 15, 2009

the slowly-becoming bearable lightness of being

well i'm not exactly sure if the title really says it as it is, but it'll have to do. i come with quite a bit of baggage and i am trying to let some of that go as i trudge through the destiny of what is ahead of me.

i find that the things that challenge me most are the interactions with individuals. not all individuals, but specific ones, and random at that. sometimes it's almost as if i were being held close to a flame, so very noticeable is my uncomfortability.

and as i have many leftover emotional maturity levels of a teenager, i have yet to apprentice how to handle many stiuations that involve an exhange of ideas with others. most times i leave these situations with visions that i have spoken out of turn or said something inappropriate. my regular readers will no doubt be bored with this insight, as i have touched on it many times. but my hope is that you, dear readers, will understand more fully some of my frustration and notice a slight change with this observation of another soap-opera-like episode.

so here i sit, with the internal frenzy that mirrors ingesting niacin, but the twisting that accompanies these encounters has dimmed. the fish-on-a-hook reaction is not so uncomfortable. certainly a level of actual comfort has not been achieved, but feeling as if my insides are being torn out has gone away as well.

not really sure what to call it, i am choosing to define my state as one of healing. perhaps someday i will be able to leave a social situation without the slightes pang of feeling gutted. i think i may be on the way.

sound choice is esther satterfield from 1974 with "love is stronger far than we"..


1 comment:

Northwest said...

I recognize your description of feeling gutted. That is my reaction to most of my social interaction these days. I seem too have lost confidence in my abilities, and am trusting my Higher Power that this is a step toward an awakening. I surely hope so.

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