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Tuesday, November 13, 2007

big boys don't cry



image credit ivan pinkava

i am thinking about expanding my blog a bit. my interests are changing somewhat. i am still working diligently on my personal recovery and on building a recovery mechanism that can support others on a similar journey. that particular piece is more of a focus for me these days. i have been not without assistance in the formation of the mile high meth project. and i am thankful for all the help i can get. mohammed didn't move the mountain by himself after all.

there is a bit of activism that is moving into my life. the city i live in breeds a very silent streak when it comes to hiv. i am not sure where it originates. i know that it doesn't feel healthy to me. and i don't think it's healthy for other poz men who may not be at the top of their game for whatever reason, i.e. sickness, substance use, job, mental health, financial, or relationship issues. this silence leads to at least 2 situations i take issue with. it seems that living with hiv and remaining healthy does lead some to think there is no challenge to live with and so do not care if it happens to them. furthermore the ones who do live with hiv and struggle are destined to struggle alone.

i don't have all the answers today. and i can honestly say that i'm okay with that. this place of understanding is growth for me. not having to know it all, or be in control of it all, or pretend that i'm in control of it all. control is just not a priority in my life, and my life is thriving because of that fact.

i love the photograph above, and i encourage you to visit the artist's website and drink in some of his other photographs, too. he has an amazing eye and i find some skill at work in what he offers. when i look at this torso, i am reminded that i too am scarred and that to me those scars are completely visible. but only because i see myself uncloaked. the world will not see me that way unless i allow it. these are encouraging thoughts to me. i know i'm scarred. but i get reminded that not everyone knows or sees what i do. i also realize it's not required to hold shame because of my scars. however, knowing that and feeling that are two very separate issues. here, on this blog, i have the privilege of revealing a bit of my scars.

i honestly thank you for witnessing.

3 comments:

bearbricklove.com said...

love your new masthead, friend. what a refreshing picture, just like i'm looking out the window into the open. best regards :-)

Mark Olmsted said...

"scar" is an anagram of "arcs," and this arc-like scar in particular reminds me that it possible to see scars as bridges, from one point in your life to another. On a purely physical level, from sickeness to health, but also from trauma to serenity, or just plain from one place to a another farther along on your journey.
You definitely are turning your scars into arcs.

Wayward Son said...

I love Marc's analogy.. or is it metaphor? Regardless it is a good one whichever it is. Scars can be badges of honor.

If you expand, I expand. Is that an expansion bridge? Oh well, you get my point.

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