recovery happens

if you work for it....




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soloist

I knew a man Bojangles and he’ll dance for you
in worn out shoes.
With silver hair, a ragged shirt and baggy pants,
he would do the old soft shoe.
He would jump so high - jump so high, and then lightly touch down.

He told me of a time he worked with, With the Minstrel shows,
travelling throughout the south,
Spoke with tears for fifteen years how his, how his dog and him
they would travel about
But his dog up and died. Part of him died, after twenty years he still grieves

took my mom to see the soloist yesterday and then for lunch in recognition of mother's day. it was actually quite lovely. sadly she has been diagnosed with a gluten allergy along with a few others. but hopefully she can learn to eat differently at this stage of the game. she has been diabetic for some time, but that really hasn't kept her from eating candy on a regular basis.

but the impetus for this post is the film. it was not really what i expected. for some reason i think i assumed that the creative genius character would have a second chance at fame and success and do exceedingly well. but now only part of what i thought is really true and i won't go into it here.

for me, the performances are stellar. downey is succinct as i am coming to think he almost always is. doesn't miss a beat. breathes life into his roles in ways that seem familiar and intimate. catherine keener is relaxed and in rhythm. and mr. foxx was not mr. foxx at all. instead he resonated mr. ayers for the length of the film.

however, the story that these performances wrap around is really what i felt i had for a main course at lunch. the truths that pitter patter across the screen wedged a a much wider crack in my heart. the scenes around skid row in la were stirring. not merely because that is where my 2 year california binge ended, but also because it brought to mind some villages i have seen depicted in national geographic.

the overwhelming and debilitating nature of some mental illness and substance abuse is anything but small. its power and force can break hearts, break minds, and break lives. and does every day. our modern culture has lost sight of how to deal with this in a practical manner. we have found it acceptable to have separate societies living side by side, not always in tandem. we step over people, step around them, drive by them, and look through them. i believe it is not what we actually wish to do, but more that we have no idea of what actually to do instead.

i, for one, thought this film brilliant. i found it thoughtful and provocative. and i felt it had respect and care for its subject.

today's sound choice was played in the background of the soloist, but not this particular version. since i am mad about robbie williams i couldn't resist his version of "mr. bojangles"

rocketed

"we have found much of heaven and we have been rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed,"

there are so so many things about my life today that i had never even conceived possible for me. i find myself in the middle of events and conversations and thoughts that are so contrary to how i have lived most of my life, it's astounding. i can definitely testify that i never could have dreamed that i would feel so peaceful inside. i never envisioned my priorities drifting so far from how things look on the outside to how things feel on the inside. i didn't think it possible that i would shy away from taking responsibility for almost anything that went awry and that i would learn to take responsibility for my reactions to the circumstances in my life and honestly desire to work through those. i never imagined that any part of my life would be so without frenzy, yet most of it is drama-free today.

here's a couple of breakdowns of what i'm talking about.

one day, a few years ago, i am utterly miserable because i have been getting so high for so long that i have forgotten how to function, and all my brain can tell me is that nothing will make me feel better. then-after working the steps with a sponsor, and following some suggestions from other addicts, i find that i do feel better and i can remember hope and dreams.

one day, a few months ago, i find myself struggling with feeling like a lost lonely and preyed upon little boy who is writhing with emotional pain. the only relief i had ever known was to get loaded. -however, after utilizing the tools of a recovery program, the promises again shine through. i reconnect with a higher source and soon i remember that i am not at the wheel, and find the space to feel confidence and trust that i will be okay no matter what happens.


these 2 seemingly small incidents are much more than that for me. they demonstrate the structure of my previous addiction and the cornerstone of my wellness. they are without a doubt, miracles in my life. it continues to be hella better than i could have imagined.

and what i know is that i am not special. i am an ordinary man. if such miracles can occur in my life, then i am damn sure they can materialize for anyone. it does take work, and cooperation and humility. and the only thing i had to change was everything. and simply put, that is how everything changed..