every day i write

a view from behind the desk (there's a pic of me at 21 at the top-my mother gave it to me)

every day i write the book. today is yet another of those days. the temp outside is in the single digits. i need to salt the sidewalks and carry chili to the car to serve at 2 meetings today.  i cannot know how all this will go. i have an 8am meeting, a 10am appt, an 11am meeting, a 1pm meet and greet from new mexico, a 3pm meeting, and i'm home free. sounds so simple and yet there are so many variables and unknowns.

this has now become a typical friday. a calendar full of tics, and a laundry list of questions. but in all this, once in a while, i get to actually see a shift in someone's demeanor. sometimes, not every friday, glitter and glamour happens. someone we work with expands the idea of what is possible in their own life, or they let go of self-judgement for a short while. and sometimes, forgiveness and love plant their seeds within the heart of someone who is struggling.

i am not sure what today will bring. i carry hope. not that all these things will happen today, but hope that the groundwork for their possibility will be done. i have come to believe that i need to try to always be ready. this is a good portion of the work.

in my quest to discover the "back to mine" series, today's sound choice is from the mj cole collection. this is a garage classic that is quintessential chill. here is "believe" by goldie and remixed by mj cole..






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stride

Humility is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less

as the weekend rears its lovely head, i find myself with much to do over the next coupla days. i picked up a party at the gates mansion in bear creek saturday and sunday we are installing new installation in the attics of 4 units of our rowhouses. weeding needs to be caught up, and the lawn is to be mowed. then the weekend will be ending.

it is boggling how easily i see the end and not what is yet to happen. like i am going to tune out somehow and not be part of those experiences, or that those are not equivalent with me having time off. whatever, i need to step back, take a breath, and remember what a difference this is from the crappy way i used to spend my weekends. waking up very late in the am or early afternoon being so groggy that it would take over an hour just to get going. having the nasty taste of nicotine on my tongue and the smell on my clothes. having spent most of my cash and having no savings and only maxed credit cards. maybe i would have had a guest but not really remembering much about them because i wasn't clear enough to really ask. feeling hollow and dreading going to a vacant job on monday..

i truly hope this dichotomy is seared into my brain. i trust that it is. as i sit here thinking about what's ahead these next two days, there is no way that i can compare them to the ones i described. what i might need to infuse is an affinity for enjoying what's here in lieu of looking so much down the path. for now, this is some personal work ahead.

and oh what a pleasant stride i have found.

cherish the day

here is a pic of marc. we were having lunch at the abbey in west hollywood. it was a superior day.



i look pretty comfortable in this picture, eh? marc sent this pic which he took from his blogging spot. i really had a great weekend there. it was quite a trip for me. there were so many spots in west hollywood that i have a tweeking history with. almost every park i saw, many parking lots, a couple of neighborhoods, all held memories of being twacked and getting loaded. it was consistently like surfing a mine field and i had to consistently remind myself to let go of the fear or embrace the fear. and there was quite a bit of fear. but thank goodness, there was quite a bit of healing for me along with it. i definitely cherish this day.


the next few days i am very busy. i am in training for the next 2 days. i work on saturday, and then sunday i have plans for most of the day. i am hooking up with an old employer just to catch up and see what's happening. she has 2 kids and i haven't seen them for over a year. then SIN is having brunch on Sunday and i hope to promote a new idea i have for them.

i have rediscovered that i am not perfect(again) and i am struggling(again) with , that reality. you'd think i could easily digest my imperfection, but repeatedly i am somewhat undone by the realization that i fuck up, i misjudge, i overreact, i speak too quickly, and become impatient. it is a humbling process and i can honestly appreciate that. thank goodness i only have to get through this one day at a time. maybe tomorrow things will look a little differently. or maybe i'll be looking at something else entirely. and then maybe, i can just chill, relax, and cherish the day.....

everyday i write the book

photocredit: handson.provocateuse.com

one of the biggest challenges and the greatest benefits from working a 12 step program is the one day at a time concept. there are days when life seems so overwhelming and impossible to endure and if i can really just remember "one day at a time" and remember that if i can just get through today, then things may look better tomorrow. and my experience has really confirmed this. things most often do look better after i've slept on it.

why brad pitt? why not, really. i absolutely loved his performance in 12 monkeys, and i also thought his bit part in true romance was stellar... stellar..mr and mrs smith was truly high camp, and how about a river runs through it???? i remember sighing shamelessly when i saw a river runs through it the first time (and it was the close-ups of mr. pitt which were the cause).

You can't think your way into a new way of living...you have to live your way into a new way of thinking