i am repeatedly humbled by the similarity that the twists and turns my life takes in tandem with some of the ideas and words i post. two months ago i posted about feeling as if i were on the verge of something, and then the very next day my life began a change which turned out to be one of the major shifts i have had in my world since my journey with recovery began.
yesterday i posted about places that scare me, and then today, after a day long meeting with the planning council which included me speaking a bit passionately, i find myself in a very routine frame of mind which seems to be about separation anxiety and is definitely one of those places that scares. i have been noticing that when i leave social or work situations, i frequently drift in my head to a place where i feel as if my behavior is inappropriate or overbearing and that i haven't gotten it right.
this seems ridiculous i'm sure, but this is where i find myself these days. i am wondering if this is part of my bi-polar mania or if it is a result of psychological damage inflicted by many years of inappropriate behaviors in addiction.
i am realizing that these feelings are familiar, but having to actually feel them and sit with them and let them go is a new dimension. this is in accord with my spiritual beliefs. when things are tough there is opportunity to grow. my head understands this. my heart knows it, too. but getting the two to communicate smoothly on this is the challenge. and not slipping into a familiar jacket of emotional pain takes work and awareness.
i also wanted to direct you to java's blog as her post today about the garden was a cool refreshing breeze that whisked through my outlook which feels like an arid desert.
5 comments:
Hello
My name is George and I live in Madrid, Spain. I have a condition called agoraphobia (panic attacks). I read your blog and I understand you've had addictions. Not if you are referring to addiction to illegal drugs. To my illness I ansiolíticos created addiction and although I have led a normal life. Labour, I am going to the movies, do sports, etc.. If you feel like, read my blog and see where is my illness.( I have translator in it ) I think he took it on your blog that you are bi-polar. I hope that these feelings you have in this post you pass right away. We must never lose hope.
Here's my full support and affection
A kiss
"i have been noticing that when i leave social or work situations, i frequently drift in my head to a place where i feel as if my behavior is inappropriate or overbearing and that i haven't gotten it right.
this seems ridiculous i'm sure, but this is where i find myself these days."
Actually, it is ANYTHING but ridiculous. For it to be ridiculous, you would have to be ridiculous. And you are anything BUT ridiculous.
I experience exactly the same "out of place" feelings that you do, all the time. I work hard (too hard I am sure) to get centered mentally, and start feeling pretty good about where I am.
Then, BAM!, I step into a mundane situation where my emotional peace simply evaporates for no apparent reason. I feel victimized, antagonized and like an elementary school kid on a stage trying to remember his lines.
When this happens, I simply remind myself that I am human and this is what it means to be a sentient being. Then I remind myself that I also am a person who experiences great peace and joy, and that I can return to where I was before.
First off, I love when you use artwork of mine. I feel like i've won a Tony. (Although I'd rather you reference the blog. I got so little business off etsy that I would actually find it tedious to fill an order now, as I am so out of the swing of making the cards. I need to remove the banner, I guess.)
Second, maybe you should move to Madrid. Then you could just say little, be mysterious, and never worry about being perceived as ridiculous.
It's really your perception that counts, finally. Is there something about how you presented that genuinely makes you uncomfortable? Do you think you crossed the border from passionate to strident? Worry about being too fingerwaggy when your wish is to motivate?
Well, my dear, if those are your worst sins, then I'd say you're doing pretty well. I think the real discomfort commes when we sense we've been inauthentic. You know, cranked up the volume a bit much because we were on stage, and our disease still sends us the signal that the best defense is a good offense.
Well, thank Heavens for that. When it comes to recovery, we need movers and shakers who are willing to put themselves out there, even, at the risk of being perceived as a tad over the top. Better too much than too litte.
Oh honey, I do that all the time. I frequently worry, after the fact, about what I said or how I presented myself or how I was perceived.
And thanks for the shout-out! :)
I too feel that way in the same situations. I figured everyone did.
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