need you now

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.

there has been some tumultuousness in my life lately. funding fiscal years are coming to an end and budget shortfall discussions are in every one of my landscapes. and as i chatted with a coworker yesterday,  i remembered and recounted the toxic elements in all this drama, i was able to recommit to some of my own intentions.

i did not get clean, and do all the internal changing i have been blessed to do, in order to have a financially secure life. don't get me wrong- i revel in feeling financially fit and secure, and it provides a baseline for much of the service work i do. however, that was not (and is not) a motive for me. i made a change because i couldn't survive another day of the crazy i found myself in. i was not able to say no, i had lost touch with the concept of "enough", and i was hallucinating, mood swinging from the brain rafters, and shape-shifting like william hurt in "altered states". i was defeated and couldn't think my way out. if i lose sight of this, i just may find myself back there, with or without the drugs. i don't ever want to rely on any one thing to measure my happiness or sanity.

reminding myself yesterday of the true reason i do the work i do, allowed me the grace to set down the fret stick i have carrying around for a few months. i work with substance abuse and people with hiv because I CAN.  i understand frustration, defeat, crazy, denial, and grief in ways that allow me to hear clients just a little diffferently. sometimes this is a benefit and sometimes not, but it is. and i know this is where i should be now.

i work in a healthcare setting now, and with all the funding cuts ahead, if i remain involved, it may mean that i help reshape how services are delivered. education, treatment, and healthcare may be more accessible if they are bundled differently. either way, changes are on the way. and faith is required at every juncture of my life, especially when it challenging to locate.

The Four Reliances



First, rely on the spirit and meaning of the teachings, not on the words;


Second, rely on the teachings, not on the personality of the teacher;


Third, rely on real wisdom, not superficial interpretation;


And fourth, rely on the essence of your pure Wisdom Mind, not on judgmental perceptions.

today's sound choice is a bit of guilty pleasure. here is lady antebellum with "need you now"