rapture

image credit..martin toye

As for believers, many will be gathered quietly with their families, waiting for Jesus' return. Among them is Tom Evans, 55, who has served as Camping's public relations aide in the lead-up to this weekend. He has been counting down in his 2011 "At-A-Glance" calendar: Day 100, Day 99, Day 98….

In the book, Evans has noted his appointments over his expected last weeks on Earth, and a reminder of his daughter's 3rd birthday. On May 21, he has written the words, "Have mercy Lord!" The rest of the book is blank.

The apocalypse will strike, Camping teaches, on May 21, wherever it happens to be 6 p.m. That means it will be Friday night in America when what Camping calls "super terrible" earthquakes will hit the New Zealand region.

The earthquakes will then roll on, time zone by time zone. The saved, perhaps 2% to 3% of the world population, will be whisked to God, while the rest will be obliterated in what he calls "a super horror story."

Camping reads neither Hebrew nor Greek, the two main languages of the Bible, but insists his arithmetic is ironclad. He calculates that God gave humanity 7,000 years to prepare for its destiny, just as Noah had seven days to prepare for the flood, and that May 21 is the terminus of human history if one counts time by the Jewish calendar. There are other signs of the end, he teaches. Gay rights. The rebirth of Israel, and the Jewish state's rejection of Jesus..... reprinted from latimes.com

i walked around my office today to say goodbye to my bestie fellow workers. it seemed queer and a bit funny as i assured them that i have thoroughly enjoyed working with them and spending time with them, but i was going to be leaving tomorrow. i was to be called home and had different work to do.

this could be viewed as blasphemous i suppose. and i guess it is meant to be a bit of that. to believe that there is a fixed date when the angels among us are to be called home, seems a bit contrived. and a lot of wishful thinking. the angels among us most likely don't fantasize about leaving cuz they are into the task as hand. it makes sense that the "not" angels among us are bored with what they do and long for a change.

just a thought...

Me, amore don't you know
My love I want you so
Sugar you make my soul complete
Rapture tastes so sweet.
Mesmerised in every way
Keep me in a state of daze
Your kisses make my skin feel weak
Always melting in your heat.
Then I soar like a bird in the wind
Oh I glide as I'm flying through heaven.
Me, amore don't you know
My love I want you so
Sugar you make my soul complete
Rapture tastes so sweet.

and another thought is that a mash-up might just be the best nod to this mash up of an idea about the predicted rapture tomorrow. if somehow it comes to be and  this is my final post, i want to assure you that i am at peace with my life. although i feel i have much more to do, i know i can move on with peace and feel completely thankful that i found recovery in my life and have been able to share it with others..

bare

image credit: gladys

Wisdom tells me I am nothing.
Love tells me I am everything.
And between the two, my life flows.

only once have i ever really had a romantic relationship. i was 19 or so. i have always gotten ridiculous crushes and tried to make friends or more with guys by the clever technique of having sex. but on one occasion in my life i completely did have an honest-to-goodness live-in boyfriend who i was mad for.

we had met while working together at a gay bar in chicago called "cheeks". (lol) and we kinda flirted a bit for awhile and then decided to play for a while. and then the dating and the moving in together just kinda came freely. we shared a 3 bedroom apartment in the de paul university area with 2 hetero female nurses. it was all very reminiscent of "tales of the city" with the comings and goings of all the friends and lovers. i think we were together for 2 years. i thought it would last forever. or maybe i didn't really think that, i can't say for sure.

i know that when he quit the bar to work in a restaurant on rush street, our lives changed, too. he was a flirt. and that's what he remained. i understand that because i'm a flirt as well. but, i didn't expect him to stay out most of the night at a co-workers birthday celebration only to find him knobjobbing the birthday boy in a parked car in front of our apartment at 3am.

i wasn't ready for that twist. and i got so angry that i threw things. and i left that night, and things were never the same between us. you know, i think that i was more changed by the level of anger i experienced than by the blowjob action in the car. i think i was frightened by my own emotions so much that i may have shut down emotionally after that. i think it validated in me something much more core. that i really could never have a relationship because somehow i wasn't worthy. i have never really let anyone else in since.

i have dated a few guys since then. there was an 18 yr old dreamboat who glommed (?) onto me in the mid-eighties for about 6 months. we played around a bit and we played house a little, but i never took it seriously. he ended up befriended my group of friends just as i left chicago to shake a devastating cocaine habit i'd picked up after testing poz.

and there was a really sweet guy from boulder who was dj'ing at a warehouse party i went to the second year i was in denver. he was amazing, really bright, funny, he was getting his phd, he was an artist. and i didn't feel like an alien when i was with him which is monumental. but i got just so close to him and then some huge security door slammed shut inside me and i turned away. i think i feared getting hurt again. i probably also re-engaged those unworthy thoughts. pretty sure that's what happened anyway.

the one thing i can surmise from these three situations is that i run. i shut down and i run because i am afraid. i might be afraid of being hurt. i might be afraid of being rejected. i might simply be afraid of being seen as i am. maybe the persona that i show the world begins to become transparent and i cannot handle that. maybe i am afraid i actually appear to others the way i see myself. maybe all this and more is true.

so have you gathered that i wasn't good at intimacy? the concept and the execution of getting close with someone else remain elusive. it is part of my healing process to look at these issues and release them. because clinging to them holds no benefit for me any longer. it may be somewhat late in my life, but it's the only time i have felt safe enough to try.

on thanksgiving i did a post called "the day i stopped dancing". i now think it an acknowledgement that this past year marked the time in my life i have started to dance again. and as i write this i slyly consider a series of posts i do here called "dance hall days" which fondly remember the days in my history when dancing was an everyday part of my reality. one specatular aspect of this is i don't have to be loaded in order to remember them or process those feelings. that's real progress for me.....and thank goodness for that. oh i'm not in love. i'm just baring some truth and hopefully releasing some barriers to love.

"You know you're dancing when tears of pain and happiness blend in with your sweat" ~anonymous

old cape cod

i'm listening to an old nancy lamott album today called "broadway baby"(my favorite) and feeling some anticipation about going to cape cod. i've not been before and i am really looking forward to spending time in provincetown and participating in another roundup. i need to finish packing and find a book to read on the flights and if i have some down time. there are so many things i am anxious to read. i have just remembered that circuitmouse did a post about a book by alan weisman titled "the world without us". i had heard of it before, but since his post i have been thinking it might be a good choice.

i butlered at a wine tasting last evening. the owner of the house had the most amazing american western art collection i have seen. it certainly was more user-friendly than a similar collection at the denver art museum. that museum has some stunners, but this family had an amazing array of obscure and more well known painters and sculpture. they have two of the same remington casts in the foyer, one with wooly chaps and one with regular chaps. i have not seen that before. there were many muted southwestern hued paintings, but sometimes they were amazingly juxtaposed with deep and richly splashed oils of southwestern skies and sunsets. there was an amazing array of delano paintings, some which i've seen in books and some i've never heard of.

postings may be scarce for the next 5 days or so. i am taking my laptop to ptown, but i am staying in a guest house, which may not have internet access. it may be really healthy for me to have to live without the crux of the keyboard for a few days anyway.

if any of you are attending provincetown serenity, please leave a comment and we can perhaps try to meet. i am planning to do the fun run on sunday morning. i am eagerly anticipating meeting a fellow blogger there, and i am hoping to have some laughs and let my heart open a little bit more. some r&r. repair and reclamation. why i think i might even go dancing on saturday night.