Saturday, November 15, 2008
spoon river valley scenic tour
i am just taking a breath. stopping(or at least slowing down) and looking around me. i find that, with the help of many, i have done some changing. i was at a meeting with a new mental health therapist talking about the programs that we offer at my workplace and how they might fit for her clients. as i perused her bulletin board, i realized it was littered with flyers from programs i have been part of creating. a gay men's 12 step group, a treatment program for gay men and meth, a newsletter for hiv positive guys, and a fund raiser for a homeless drop-in center. i don't think that much has really changed inside any of these particular issues, but leaving the footprints has been an adventure.
the evidence of this work, all in one place, took me by surprise. just like the prospect of a new job caught me unawares. and the reorganization of the committee i co-chair threw me a curve as well. i would never have had anything to do with any of these programs 5 years ago. i couldn't have seen it. and i don't have a handle on it all now. i am certainly more prepared to roll with the changes yet to come, but that will still be work.
all the heartache that was my reality throughout the years seems to have diminished so much. i don't feel resentful at all that i destroyed my life at so many junctures. i built pretty big lives on and off throughout the years, but i have always felt the need to self destruct and i don't see that here. i don't mind that i got caught in the tumult of crysal meth delusions, because i now certainly have knowledge of hell and how to get out. and this comes in handy.
i missed a good friend's 50th bday party last weekend. i was not prepared to go into a heavy drinking atmosphere. i just had to hunker down and not go. i'm definitely sad to miss it, but i really saw no option. i'm not sorry i didn't go, but i fear her feelings are hurt. have to trust that she will understand.
today's song brings back memories for me. it is steve goodman singing "spoon river". i am from rural illinois- the spoon river valley to be exact, and this song is charming and simple, just as i remember much of the time i spent growing up there. there were, of course, horrors growing up gay in a homophobic society, but there were joys a plenty living in the midwest and being connected to the farm and the land. this reflects the lives of many of my family still.
hope you enjoy it.