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Saturday, February 21, 2009

damage



Sooner or later everyone sits down to a banquet of consequences.--Robert Louis Stevenson


i still have not mastered using the camera on my new phnne. i am sure that part of the issue is my own vision. i cannot see as well as i used to, partly because of aging and sometimes i wonder if my over-indulgent meth use damaged my vision as well. but then i honestly believe that meth affected not only my eyesight, but my sense of taste, my hearing, and my ability to reason as well.

i remember so many times that i would be in the throes of a rush, and the hallucinations and visions that my little (at least then) body would conjure up were pretty overwhelming. it went way beyond the tree people or just playing "curtain monitor". i would see old friends waving and saying things to me, inanimate objects swirling and melting and re-assembling, hear voices, conversations, and sound effects, and these altered states and realities would become and remain part of my reality.

when i began my use, it never crossed my mind that these "breaks" from the physical world would exist, let alone, change my life forever. but i believe they have. i became so paranoid at many junctures and it was so overwhelming (almost as overwhelming as the meth rush itself(, that i sometimes still relive those experiences or relive those paranoid occupations.

it has certainly been a process- learning to live with these aberrations, and working to overcome their effects. i am still learning to adjust my style and my habits to accommodate and overcome challenges and difficulties that these self-induced changes have presented.

on some level, i am very frustrated with all this. but my higher self understands that this is part of my journey. that these handicaps are "gifts" that offer me the chance to appreciate where i am now and to embrace the challenges ahead. and of course to be reminded that all things have a price and that rarely does a person get by without paying such.

small price to pay, indeed, when i have regained the majority of my sanity, the love and respect of my family and many friends, and the ability to sleep- which may be the biggest blessing of them all.

i found this song by chris brown on youtube. i thought it apropos to this considering his current situation with the events on the eve before the grammys. click here

sound choice is a remix of danity kane doing damage. (i thought a techno remix more fitting for this post).








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3 comments:

absolutwillie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
absolutwillie said...

TAGG!! you're it ;0P http://www.absolutwillie.com/2009/02/tagg-one-word.html

Sheria said...

Funny how there are always consequencesfor traveling a particualr path. I din't treat my body well for a long time and I have a few lasting health problems as a result. I used to wish that I had chosen a different path to healthie living a long time before I did. Now, I look at all of it, bad choices and all, as contributing to who I am now and I like that person, so maybe it was worth it.

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