a birthday wish

tomorrow is my birthday and i'm still adjusting to living a contented life. i spent so many years hungering for "more" and feeling "less" and feeling miserable that i still have uncomfortable moments. lack of comfort because there is so little drama in my life today. there is some, naturally, but not the acreages of the past.

i had so many years of other shoes dropping, borrowing from peter to pay paul, and crossing my fingers, hoping to get through another self made crisis. and it's not easy to let go of that extra baggage. but i am trying. and believe me, i understand that this is really nothing to complain about. this is a luxury.

and that brings me to my wish. i wish that the release from all this drama, including the self hatred, the self judgement, and the self-delusion, will be bestowed on others. it is the most refreshing feeling. it is the most rejuvenating experience. and it needs to be shared.

i came out as a gay man 33 years ago tomorrow and if you had asked me then what my life would be like when i was 49, i would have had a complete blank look on my face and in my heart. there is no way i could have imagined that my life could have been any better than it was then. after all, i knew it all.

but it's been fucking tough on and off throughout the years, and i truly say, my life is better now than it has ever been. my personal tragedies have become triumphs and my other victories have receded in importance. and i wouldn't trade it for one day with wentworth. ( well- i don't think i would) :)