dark road

i am sitting this morning having coffee and listening to the new annie lennox cd-"songs of mass destruction". i'm really peaceful and my life is decidedly pretty damn good. but there's a weird little feeling in the back of my mind that is a sort of nagging memory. reminding me that my life isn't really like this. my life isn't peaceful. my life is full of clamour and drama and tumult. how can this be?

melancholy washes over me with another song. there is hope in my heart and faith in my mind. i know these to be truth. i also know that ptsd is real. that 45 years of ups and downs doesn't lead to the next 45 years being calm. i have prayed today. i have jogged my 3 miles and really soothed my mind. i have let go of trying to control the situations for a minute(cuz i'll retract that decision several times today and have to redo).

i am a bit nervous about going to ptown for the roundup in a coupla weeks. i am not sure why, i guess because i don't feel at ease in large groups of gay men. especially when i am not getting high. it was always much easier for me to forge through a fear like this with the help of snorting, smoking, or slurping some courage. but again, i don't need this crutch. yeah, tell that to my ego. my heart knows it, but ego is another thing.

i encourage all my clients to do mirror work- ala louise hay. to develop a relationship with that person looking at them in the mirror and to learn to love that person. because that person looking back at them is going to be the only person to save their asses, when push comes to shove. we really only have ourselves and our faith to rely on.


i guess i am rediscovering that dark roads are most times the roads of not knowing. these roads are definitely a part of life, at least mine. although really scary, they don't have to necessarily be dangerous or a bad experience. more likely, they are just unknown.

i now start to understand how i can feel fear, but walk through it,, and still be safe and all right. (this is also a gentle note to a fellow blogger- he'll know who he is, hopefully.)

so, thanx to a great idea from marc, i am going to try to put youtube posts on the mile high meth site in the stories sections. i just have to facilitate this. i am going to create a new username with you tube and then do some filming and start uploading. these will be short(hopefully)stories from gay men who have used and some from the people who love them, talking about the benefits of letting crystal go. the deal about quitting crystal and life after crystal. i am looking forward to this project.

if you feel the desire or need to share your story, please feel welcome to contact us. we want this to be multi-layered. not just one type of gay man or woman, etc.... and we want it to be as interactive as possible. our desire is for this process of shifting from crystal use back to a more holistic life, to feel as connected and inclusive as possible for people. that process typically finds a person trying to go from almost complete isolation back into a more social existence. others' input can normalize that process. hopefully this is like shining light onto a dark road for others.