butterfly

image credit stevee postman

It is possible to change without improving -
it is impossible to improve without change

since arriving back from ptown, i have had a series of the most emotional times i can remember, and i processed it all quite differently this time. and it really felt different, too. i have these unattractive habits of getting defensive when i feel threatened or insecure and i am working diligently at reformatting that hard drive. i have been staying silent, i have been redirecting some thoughts, and i have been clinging to the newer belief that i will be ok through all of it, and that i am changing. the process has not been completely smooth, but it has been so much gentler on my system. i am thankful i am perhaps finally growing up.

i went to dinner with a friend and his partner last night. i have met the partner, but we didn't know each other at all. it is becoming increasingly less challenging for me to be spontaneously social in sobriety and we ended up having an engrossing conversation about journey, and destiny, and understanding our own concept of what is healthy for us. i could hardly believe it was as late as it was when we left the restaurant.

i engaged new friends last night, and for that i am incredibly grateful. and better yet, i felt validated but in a more authentic way than i am accustomed. i have felt "stuck" many times in this recovery journey because i have had so many habits that were formed while i was in addictions. i'm finding those habits are not very useful to me with a sober perspective and have to be let go. this discovery process takes time, patience, and willingness. and for me, it seems it may be starting to reap some rewards.

any readers who may feel stuck, or get frustrated because nothing seems to work smoothly or sobriety doesn't come naturally, i urge you to develop patience around a healthy social life and stick to your programs with your sponsors. you might just be in a cocoon phase of your development. this uneasiness around other people will eventually fade, and a much healthier lifestyle will emerge.

"Growing Old is Natural... Growing Up is Spiritual..."

Did we lose ourselves again?
Do we take in what's been said?
Do we take the time to be
All the things we said we'd be
And we bury heads in sand
But my future's in my hands
It means nothing
It means nothing

You can find yourself a God
Believe in which one you want


'Cos they love you all the same
They just go by different names
When we fly our flag today
Are you proud or just ashamed?
It means nothing
It means nothing

It means nothing
If I haven't got you


And the sun sets in the sky
You're the apple of my eye
If the bomb goes off again
In my brain or on the train
I hope that I'm with you
'Cos I wouldn't know what to do
It means nothing
It means nothing

It means nothing
If I haven't got you