One day, a boy asked the trainer, “How come your elephant doesn’t break that weak chain and run away?” The trainer explained, “Elephants have a brain that excels in memory and Big Bertha remembers how the chain held her fast when she was a baby; she has stored that remembrance in her brain and will not have any thoughts about attempting to test the chain now.
So, the question and the moral is…are you letting a weak chain keep you tied down and do you not want to break away and be free.
Don’t let childhood memories keep you chained to the past!
from the chained elephant
i have to just say today, how very grateful i am for the grounded quality of my life. i have lived in denver for almost 20 years, and for most of those i have been miserable. mainly, that is due to my own instability. i have always felt that this city was too small, that it was too unhip, that i would never be happy in such an environment, that there is no self-sustaining artistic community, and that it there is not really an atmosphere that supports creativity.
although most of those descriptors can still very much be viewed as truthful, my personal happiness is no longer tied to where i am living. this is a sign of personal growth for me.
a good part of my recovery has been to attend to my bi-polar characteristics. these are a natural part of my being, and have been a crucial and integral part of the successes and the traumas throughout my lifetime. living with a chemical imbalance does not necessarily come with a manual. for me, it's not always easy to turn off emotions and yet still feel. i think it's an individual experience, as is the case of addiction. it requires personal experience, observation, and tenacity to learn to co-exist comfortably with the ups and downs.
medication helps, but doesn't erase the effects of the mood shifts. practice is the only thing that is helping me recognize and learn new reactions to life.
this is very much a part of my recovery experience. i am doing the best i can. sometimes it is so far from perfect that i am embarrassed. but sometimes it is completely acceptable. and it is these times, without the use of self-medication, when i find a way to live through uncomfortability, that i can truly feel, from the inside, the benefits of living a sober life.
4 comments:
Some days your words dive right through the cloud of self pity that surrounds me and strike my soul.
Enough of all this responsibility-taking and facing up to reality. Lets just blame Denver.
Ditto what Marc said! j/k
it's not always easy to turn off emotions and yet still feel - no kidding. I'm also plagued with feeling like whatever it is I'm feeling is there to stay. like down=out.
little by slowly some days.
Thank you. I'm so glad that I stopped by today. You have a lot of nourishment for the soul tucked into these pages.
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