c'est si bon

“This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life.”

what a difference a day makes! i know that yesterday i was definitely tipping the overwhelmed scale. i have quite a bit on my plate and sometimes just the very thoughts of what needs to be done can be paralyzing. i think i had a couple of those this week.

the planning council changes still daunt me a bit. however, now i realize that part of my anxiety is due to the rapid nature of these proposed changes, all of them taking place before the beginning of next year as part of our 3-year comprehensive plan. i got a pit in my stomach when i heard that both the people of color committee and the people living with hiv committee would be going away as well as needs assessment and evaluation.

but truth be told, these committees can easily be perceived as lame ducks, really lacking for community participation and input. so the realignment of their responsibilites to the leadership committees, including membership of those committees in the leadership committee makeup can make good sense. one of the biggest danger may be the ability for those "target populations" is their ability to communicate freely in the leadership environment and be heard.

i also have been leary of a potential new job. i have so much on my plate with advocacy in the city, and i fear i may not be able to continue. the simple prospect of bringing peer-led healthcare self-management training to town is a big undertaking. and throwing in the towel could be harmful to that project. of course all this could easily get done without me, but i would miss that adventure. and sometimes my life is about my desires, too.

another organization i have helped spearhead may go through some shifts as well. i have been feeling a bit frustrated with the miscommunication of a perceived direction and i have to take responsibility for that. i am not of the belief that it should be a volunteer organization and my partner is. this needs to be addressed and worked through. i definitely carry some emotion around this one.

very much thanks to the spiritual tools i have gained through my program, i am not in the clouds on this one. i spoke with a good friend about my feelings and worries. i wrote about it and put myself out there. i prayed that i could be relieved of my investment in the outcome. and i prayed for the persons i might be conflicted with.
these efforts have shifted my perception of my situation. nothing has changed but me and the way i look at my life.

btp( before the program) these stessors would have given me every reason to self medicate. and when i do that it didn't end up being very good. sometimes it resulted in more bullshit than i felt when i started having a drink or smoking a joint. most times it landed there, really. things are altered today. i have choices i didn't have before. i still have guilt but not to the same level whatsoever. happy, joyous, and free.

today's sound choice is dr. buzzard's original savannah band with "cherchez la femme" for me it's a trip back to 1976. god-that was a time. the tall ships in new york harbor, the wind at my back, the future rolled out in front of me like the yellow brick road. no doubt, i was on my way to the magical oz... c'est si bon.

They'll tell you a lie
With a colgate smile, hey baby
Love you one second and hate you the next one
Oh, ain't it crazy, yeah
All I can say, ay, hey
Of one thing I am certain, ooh-hoo, ooh-hoo
They're all the same
All the sluts and the saints
For misery my friend
Cherchez la femme