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Monday, December 15, 2008

on the 3rd day


on the 3rd day....

i no longer asked the same question over and over- wanna get high? i changed my mind. i started to ask: can you take me higher? i made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of god as i understood her.

i'll tell a big secret on myself. i have always wanted to be loved. and i have almost always equated being loved with being desired passionately. i suppose this stems from being molested as a child. i was watching "georgia rule" today and totally related to the lindsay lohan character. for most of my life i used my sex and sexuality as a way to manipulate others and to express most every emotion in my whole range. for the longest time i didn't honestly understand boundaries or distance or intimacy, and all this was magnified when i was under the influence. not sure if i really do comprehend it all to this day. at my ripe old age i am just now coming to "get" that i may be loved without a sexual component or attachment. that i don't have to turn away emotionally from someone i care about simply because i somehow believe they are only using me or want something from me.

throughout my lifetime i have fantasized over and over about how i thought my life should be. it most often seemed so much more palatable to live through those fantasies than the daily grind i was stuck with. early on in my life, i found that by taking certain actions i could circumvent this doldrum that made up my life. i didn't necessarily have to feel the daily pain and uncomfortability if i simply got high.

but with several revolutions of the globe, i began to discover that i was not avoiding pain, merely rearranging it. and it would resurface bigger than it had done before. and avoiding it would require more ammunition, too.

the bottom fell out of this solution i had invested so much of my life in. things were not to be as i had fantasized. i already knew that things weren't so, but i had to let go of my fantasy. kinda like i had always thought of myself as a nice guy, but the truth was i was nice in order to get things from others, and then i became a bitch. this was painful to see, but would be more painful to hold on to. i couldn't think of another reason to not let go of those fantasies.

i can't, god can, i think i'll let her.

today's sound choice is creed... higher

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3 comments:

Texaco said...

well said.

Marc said...

"Rearrange the Pain" sounds like an excellent song/album title.
Not to diminish your revelation, but that "secret" of yours is shared by about 5,999,999,999 billion others on the planet. You do get credit for verbalizing it, though.
I also have the problem of disassociating physical expression of affection from sexual expression. I note how much more interested I am in long hugs from handsome men, and almost never from women. I'll give them, but I won't initiate them.

Sheria said...

Damn, I thought that I was unique. I was okay with you sharing my secret but then Marc goes and reveals that nearly 6 billion people have the same secret. I just want to be loved and unique. Sigh...

My flippancy is just a cover because your words reveal way more about me that I care to admit.

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