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Thursday, February 4, 2010

life on life's terms

…Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation--some fact of my life --unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.

humpday is behind me this week and i find i am feeling good about it. it's been a little bit of a ride. i teach (counselor) dui classes in a suburb 3 nights a week. intakes and attendance have been down since the last quarter of 09, and i found out that my shifts are being cut in half. revenue streams will be disrupted, but i also have been working more than i like. i am trying to look at it as a blessing in disguise. this is definitely part of my new survivor tool kit.

i have been hiv positive for 23 years. i am very healthy. i started meds back in 96 and had some physical issues in response to medication such as kidney stones 3 times, and wrestling with the burden of required pharmaceuticals permananently.(i perceive this as universal, but it may just be me). this opened the door to the crystal phenomenon in my life and living in san francisco, where it is more prevalent, just fed that flame. almost 8 years later (5 sober) i am once again plagued by the offshoot of pharma in my life. i began taking a course of meds 5 years ago and have been riddled with persistent although intermittent side effects that have brought me to tears on more than ten occasions over this time. gastro-intestinal issues have cause me to never really feel safe in a public setting for fear of random incontinence. i have tried changing my diet, changing the times i eat, changing the amounts i eat, liquids only, exercise, etc. lots of things have seemed to work for a period and then the damn breaks and i am caught in a situation that is completely humbling and obliterates my sense of safety. i also began to lose my sense of taste around the same time. i may have that sense in the beginning of the day, but usually by lunch time or beyond, it is very hit or miss. i have found myself more than 10 times, chewing food mindlessly with a secret hope that some flavor will pop out. food- high-end food- has always been part of my world and this tastelessness has been distressing to say the least. i love to cook, and i have repeatedly tried cooking a roast or some soup and not had the ability to savor any of my efforts. even the tears in the pot haven't changed that.  i have finally taken a step and am changing the regimen that i have been dosing these last 5. one ironic part is that the numbers behind my bloodwork show that i am healthier than i have ever been since testing began with hiv.

i had a dream last night that i was being hunted. this character whom i know, although cannot now recall since i've awaken, has been following me and trying to trap me or cage me to blow me up, shoot me, or stab me. the dream lasted awhile because i kept revelling in the small victories of escape that were involved. there was setting bombs in an apartment building, trapping me in a schoolhouse, and finding me next to a campfire and tying and gagging me in a forest. terror-filled game-playing seemed part of the made-for-me movie that was this dream. i woke early to shake off the ghosts.

this is only a sample of one man's life and inner workings on one day. there is plenty of minutae that surrounds these thoughts and more. today i am awestruck at the option of acceptance and hope that is woven into these perceptions and the peace and tranquility that come with that option . this is one gift that recovery continues giving me.

today's sound choice makes me really smile. it's skeeter davis with "the end of the world"



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