step one- we admitted that we were powerless over crystal meth and our lives had become unmanageable.
that's a tough nut to crack in early addiction. it seems so very drastic to admit powerlessness. it seems so foreign and very much like losing everything i had left. like losing the war. i remember thinking that i had fought so hard to survive over the years, that admitting powerlessness seemed counterintuitive to all my struggles. and i surely felt that a 12 step program was nothing more than emotional bootcamp and my emotions were complex and sophisticated and didn't need to be broken down in a bootcamp setting. i felt that i was above all that.
and nothing could be further from the truth from where i stand now. untangling the mashed up and overgrown and undernourished feelings i had been tending for oh so many years was daunting and so very challenging, but definitely the softest and kindest thing i have ever done for myself. but all this work comes later in the steps. step one is crucial. i had to be ready to try another way. i had to realize that my way, well it just wasn't producing a healthy crop. i had to be ready for a new approach. powerless. nowhere to run. can't do it on my own. surrender. helpless.
step one is the beginning of a journey like no other i have experienced. i have been able to "shake loose this mortal coil" just a bit and remain a cocoon no longer. and though my life as a butterfly, as it were, may be fragile and rather short in length, it's worth is not diminished at all in my eyes. i have come to know real relief, to know contentment, and to know peace. and it started with letting go. and admitting i didn't know it all. and i hadn't a clue as to how to feel better. i was helpless and needed help.
any thoughts on step one ?????
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