all i can do is cry

image credit: sam bassett

one of the most painful parts of getting clean from meth was the overwhelming rush of emotions i felt for a good 9 months after i stopped using. i could only stay stopped for 3 months or so at a time before some normal life complication would happen and i would be flooded with either pain, sorrow, frustration, or anger and i would jump right back on the phone and call a dealer. it was almost as if i were programmed to have an emotion and then get high. turns out to be very true. i had changed my brain chemically to expect huge dopamine dumps and they naturally came after emotional brain chemical reactions. so i found i either felt totally vacant or i would be overwhelmed.

is it any wonder people are challenged to stay clean off this bitch? and it becomes clearer why a spiritual solution can be especially effective.

Studies suggest that those who quit heavy meth use show a marked reduction in the brain's ability to produce dopamine for up to three years, and almost two-thirds remain depressed two to five years after they stop using.

from sfaf.org:

What can one expect when coming down or withdrawing from meth?
"Crashing" from meth often entails severe anergia, or lack of energy, and massive anhedonia, a sustained lack of motivation to perform normal tasks and inability to experience pleasure. The severity and duration of these symptoms vary depending on the amount of drug you've used and how long you've been doing it. Common symptoms include: loss of energy, depression, fearfulness, wanting to sleep a lot or difficulty in sleeping, shaking, nausea, palpitations, sweating, hyperventilation, increased appetite, irritability and drug craving. These symptoms can last from days to weeks after you stop using methamphetamine. Some of these symptoms can sometimes be alleviated with medications.

and from wikipedia

Researchers theorize that anhedonia may result from the breakdown in the brain's reward system, involving dopamine pathways. Two 2005 studies by Paul Keedwell MD of King's College found that certain sections of the brain in depressed subjects had to work harder to process happy thoughts.[1][2]

Anhedonia is often experienced by drug addicts following withdrawal; in particular, stimulants like cocaine and amphetamines cause anhedonia and depression by depleting dopamine and other important neurotransmitters. Very long-term addicts are sometimes said to suffer a permanent physical breakdown of their pleasure pathways, leading to anhedonia on a permanent or semi-permanent basis due to the extended overworking of the neural pleasure pathways during active addiction (particularly as regards cocaine and methamphetamine). In this circumstance, activities still may be pleasurable, but can never be as pleasurable to people who have experienced the comparatively extreme pleasure of the drug experience. The result is apathy towards healthy routines by the addict. Extended periods of healthy lifestyles away from active addiction have been shown to reverse these feelings.

in a most-likely related sidebar: brad renfro actor 25 dies in his home in los angeles."In recent years, Mr. Renfro was known as much for his legal troubles as for his acting career. He was charged with marijuana and cocaine possession in 1998, avoiding jail because of a plea bargain, according to The Associated Press. Mr. Renfro was an admitted heroin and methadone user who was photographed being arrested by Los Angeles police officers during a Christmas 2005 sweep of that city’s Skid Row. He was sentenced to three years’ probation for attempted possession of heroin and entered a drug rehabilitation program."

i also want to give a shout out to paul who has unknowingly proven that synchronicity is alive and well and working in our lives.