midlife

image credit: brian finke

i had dinner with a good friend last night and she became tearful as she spoke about her relationship with her husband and his current depression which has lasted about a year. he has started wellbutrin recently and has also agreed to counseling, but all this obviously comes after some damage has been done. he says things like "i don't recognize who i am" and "i wish i wasn't so unhappy all the time. i am making you unhappy, too"

this totally sounds like a mid-life episode to me. they can easily be called crises. they are so painful. they can cause someone to use or drink.

i remember that mine began about 40. i would go to public places and i remember having the feeling that i was becoming invisible. this is probably due to the fact that i used to get cruised wherever i went. but at 40, people stopped cruising me publicly. the crowds median age lowered (or remained the same) while my age rose. and so i just did not get seen publicly any more. i was becoming invisible.

i hated that feeling. i couldn't recognize myself because i had become accustomed to recognizing myself through other peoples eyes, but now they were no longer looking at me.

sadly, this was really devastating for me. i would drink just to let go of that lost feeling. and i searched for other ways for me to feel validated. i felt disconnected and misplaced. i wasn't grounded. i spun out.

so t- this is for you...

i think these are some rational guidelines:

What Can You Do?

The crisis will not end in a week or two. It may take a year or years to get resolved. You will need patience to let him learn to cope with the new feelings and emotions that are occurring in his life. You cannot do this for him nor can you demand that he seek counseling or talk the problem through with you. You may suggest it but you cannot demand it. It will do no good. It's important that you understand and accept the fact that it is his problem, not your fault. Don't take the responsibility for his pain and suffering.

Give him space. No matter how insecure you're feeling, don't cling, berate, belittle or try to push him in a direction he doesn't want to go. If he wants more time than usual to be by himself or with his fishing or golfing buddies, don't complain about how little time he's spending with you. He's trying to think his problems through and he'll find a way regardless of what you say or do.

Now is the time you must develop yourself as an independent person. You must take responsibility for yourself and your happiness without depending on him for the closeness and intimacy that he probably is unable to give right now. Plan things without him. Depend upon yourself, not him. Allow him to do the same.

Do things by yourself and with friends. Make a life for yourself without waiting for him to participate. He may refuse to go to counseling but that doesn't mean you shouldn't in order to better cope with your feelings during this difficult time.

Continue to treat him and all men kindly. This may sound like a silly statement, but your confusion and resentment about his current situation may cause you to "male bash." "Dumb men" jokes may seem funny at the time, but they will be painful and hurtful to a man in crisis and to men in general.

Reaffirm your love for him, your desire for him, your attraction to him. Tell him and show him that he is the most important person in your life. Do it without smothering, clinging or demanding that he reciprocate the feelings to you.

If you make the decision to demand that he straighten up, to demand that he stop his erratic behavior, to demand that he return to the person you're most comfortable with, you'll be making a mistake.

If you make the decision to nag and whine, you'll be making a mistake.

If you think you can make the choices for him or tell him what he should do to feel better or get his life in order, you'll be making a mistake.

If you make idle threats about what you will do if he doesn't change, you'll be making a mistake.

You are not to blame for the feelings that are guiding his life at this time, however, your actions will help to influence the choices he makes.

As hard as it may be to stand back and watch him self-destruct, that is the role you will have to take.

Coping with male midlife crisis is not easy. Not every relationship will survive the strain.

courtesy of midlife

and i'm breaking down here and posting a madonna song. i actually loved melba moore's version, but i haven't heard it in so long... 1974 or soo.....