this has been quite a kaleidoscopic weekend thus far for me emotionally. i have been to 2 functions with family members which have amazed, humbled, and delighted me. it has been very good and rewarding to see people in my family that i haven't seen for 5 or 10 or even 15 years.
my cousin came up with his 13 year old from southern colorado. my cousin has rapid advancing ms and the changes are not subtle. he is determined and outgoing and directed. his son told me he was definitely having a good day. and i am thankful i am part of his good day. definitely.
i managed to crawl into victim mode today with someone that is hurting as a result of my own behavior and character defects. and i am so stubborn, i will not back down and change. this sounds so childish and paltry and it is. and there it is like a big zit on the middle of my forehead. now matter how i try to ignore it, it won't go away. this person keeps making it obvious that they are displeased. and although i am not going to enable this passive aggressive behavior, i also do not need to assume the victim position when they are around, either. for me, this is about old wounds, certainly not this particular situation. time heals all wounds. some changes take time. i need to give myself the time it takes to heal.
i spoke to another cousin this weekend that i have not really seen since i moved back from california. she and her partner were civil. and that is as far as our relationship (the 3 of us) has ever really been. i introduced the two of them about 15 years ago when we used to play volleyball all the time. and once they hooked up, my relationship with the two of them has never been the same. and so here i go, making it about me. they have been together that long and why can't i be thrilled about that. being with a partner in our culture for that length is a blessing.
hopefully, the reason for the title of this post is apparent. i can see change occurring in me, if only for an instant.
i was introduced to this version of "ray of light" by my friend reuben. it gives me joy to share it with you.
1 comment:
It's so shitty to realize we are responsible for our own actions, over and over again! Hey, I admitted responsibility for action A, and now you want me to admit to action B, too? Some days I wish someone else could do the growing up for me and leave me to enjoy my childish misery.
I think it is supposed to be better after the healing, though. That's what they tell me.
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