los angeles

What a marvelous last day in los angeles monday was. Woke up and had breakfast w/jim at the french market. I then got a haircut which was sorely needed and the marc picked me up and we went to lunch at the abbey. I had snapper and he had a burger. The weather was quintessential southern California and we found ourselves talking away an hour in no time. I have had so many “ahas” this weekend, it will take some time for them all to percolate (or settle if you prefer). I have drifted from my mooring with regard to feeling connected to recovery and this is something that has been highlighted and become a renewed focus for me. I was beginning to have some success with a career and I realize that if I don’t have a connection to a spiritual path and I don’t work on that, I will drift into old thought patterns and a feeling of uselessness.

I have felt just like this before and I am very aware that I care to be there no longer. I tried to contact rk and spoke with him, but I had been too relaxed in my arranging to meet him. he is an incredible figure in my eyes and has been so steadfast in his reporting of his perceptions. This is one of the reasons I admire him. another, of course, is that he is a long-term aids survivor and I have a very soft spot in my heart for the trailblazers. They still teach me how to survive with dignity.

I also have reignited my interest in museums. Being in denver has quelled that passion somewhat, however, I now know that this is something that definitely feeds my soul and my creative process. I mean, I have probably looked at lichtenstein’s work 20 or so times throughout the years, but I gained a new appreciation for some of them with this last round. I saw connections I hadn’t noticed before. Connections to my own perception and ideas that were relayed by that few minutes of contemplation are something that make museums and galleries so very worthwhile to me.

I am reminded of the blessings in my life today. And it is appropriate at this stage for me to also look at some of my gifts. marc reminds me that I am able to understand spiritual concepts and discuss and share them with an accessible quality. I think I have a good sense of humor- albeit a bit twisted- but those are the best aren’t they? I have a pretty good heart and I try to think of others as well as myself. This, of course, is a work in progress. And I have good communication skills and have been blessed with the ability to convey a warm-fuzzy feeling with my exchanges. Hopefully it’s an earnestness that people pick up on.

This visit has been a festival for me. something very akin to the bastille day celebrations I have attended. There was good weather, music, good food and great people watching. something for all my senses. And just like bastille day, this convention and this weekend represent the freedom I have gained from the self made prison of self loathing and denial that I had lived in so long. i'm feeling better today, cleansed somehow. the last time i was here, i had raised some demons. it felt good to put them to rest. demons like this:

she had to leave
los angeles
all her toys wore out in black
and her boys had too
she started to hate every nigger and jew
every mexican that gave her lotta shit
every homosexual and the idle rich

she had to get out
to get out
to get out
to get out
to get out

she gets confused
flying over the dateline
her hands turn red
cause the days change at night
change in an instant
the days change at night
change in an instant

she had to leave
los angeles
she found it hard to say goodbye to her own best friend
she bought a clock on hollywood blvd the day she left
it felt sad
it felt sad
it felt sad

she had to get out
to get out
to get out
to get out
to get out