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Tuesday, December 30, 2008

time after time

"The idea that an individual can find God is terribly self-centered. It is like a wave thinking it can find the sea."

Sir John Templeton

it is a good time to reflect back on the year and just notice what may have happened. i have had a roundabout adventure. i began the year so full of determination and promise. i was helping spearhead a meth program for gay men (the only one in our city), and had begun the process of nudging strength in numbers colorado into offering a different type of social networking for poz guys than it previously had.

there was a small evening out at a cabaret, which my blogami marc flew in for from la. and i lassoed an acquaintance chris to help produce a newsletter for sin colorado, the 1st such in 5 or so years here. all these have become really good things that i have had a hand in.

then in march, after i found out i was receiving a bit of industry (hiv) recognition here, i received a spiritual whack in the back of the legs by someone i trusted. it brought up all sorts of emotional gunk, trust issues, and self-esteem issues that i had no desire to traverse. but denial is a luxury no longer afforded to me. (at least intentional denial) and so i reluctantly worked through some ptsd issues and my life has improved.

at the same time, i received my state certification to be a drug and alcohol counselor. i remember being with some of my groups, reading from "when things fall apart" and watching that very thing happen around me at the same time. i was challenged by my own mouth and words to "not do what i always do when things fall apart". this, i hope, has become my greatest gift this year. to actually experience a spiritual awakening in real time has not been my history. or at least being aware of them as they happen.

i have also begun the process of starting a couple of organizations. i would assume that eventually they will fold together, but they are separate as of now. both are hiv related, and both are geared towards the importance of patient inclusion in the treatment process. there is more work to be done on both these fronts.

1 turned 50 this year, monumental for me if no one else. the obama campaign and election were actually stellar. there are moments that were so inspirational and hopeful, that i doubt i ever forget them. the proposition 8 vote in california also became a talking point. i certainly believe that gay men and women need to have the possibility of relationship and happiness visible to us, if only to offer proof of possibility. i, however, worry that my community's tactics are a little light in the loafer- too much whine with cheese. if we begin to do a better job at outreach, even in our own community, we stand a better chance of changing hearts than we do with arm twisting and name calling.

but lastly for me, one of the most memorable additions to my life catalogue was the release of "milk". i cannot say how much that small film, with all its implications, raised the bar on how i feel about being gay with pride. i cannot remember too many films (and i've seen many) that have depicted a gay person as kind, intelligent, hard working, thoughtful, considerate, effective, down-to-earth, and successful. this was quietly life changing viewing for me. sean penn, as has been said, was magnificent, but i think that van sant offered what so many starving lgbtq citizens need the most, hope.

it's time to roll out the next wave of life. and we, without fail, with sit on our boards at the shore, waiting for the good ones to come along. most definitely, it can be tedious at times, but when the good waves come, all that waiting seems to wash away.

have a simple but fun-filled nye, and i hope to carry hope into the new year. i guess the next obvious big event will be the inaugural on the 20th of january. hope i get to see you before then..

sometimes you picture me--
I'm walking too far ahead
you're calling to me, I can't hear
what you've said--
Then you say--go slow--
I fall behind--
the second hand unwinds

today's sound choice is "time after time" by cyndi lauper with sara mclachlan



Marc said...

I had the same year, just a lot more self-centered than you.

Michele Benjamin RN, MSN said...

Happy New Year to you!!
I love your blog!
Here is to a wonderful 2009!!!!

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