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Wednesday, December 24, 2008

top of the clock

If you give your life as a wholehearted response to love, then love will wholeheartedly respond to you.

on the 12th day of christmas, my true love gave to me- the tenacity to pause and the willingness to to be uncomfortable.

i am finishing this round by sticking with the subject at hand. i have come to believe that there are no coincidences and that what i am experiencing in my life away from blogville is very much connected to what i am purging here. i have prayed upon my discomfort with the situation, have spoken with friends, and have kept myself busy.

the insights from all these add up to the following: i have been quite upset about being singled out by this person as the scapegoat for their own disappointment. it has felt painful at times, inexplicably so really. but i now believe that i am upset because of more ancient pain that i have not resolved. i am not so upset about this situation as i am upset because i recognize these feelings and it reminds me of old pajamas. they fit well. they don't keep me as warm, they don't quite look right anymore, but i know the shape and i understand how to move in them.

i have been quietly sure that i am in trouble somehow because there is disharmony. i think i can remember always getting in trouble when i was a boy. and i think there was often disharmony. so panic and self degradation have ensued periodically because that's what i have always done. old habits, like old pajamas, are not easy to discard. so i put them on uncosciously whenever i feel shaky.

please understand- for me this is a huge gift. it gives me permission to not freak out as much. it quells most fears i have about outcomes. i trust i am working hard. i trust i am being of service. and just because someone throws a stone, doesn't mean my structure comes toppling down.

thank you universe for helping me to see beyond my own skin here. thank you for showing me that i have a right to my feelings and i have an obligation to forgive.

I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
Let me be empty
Oh and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear

on the 12th day of christmas, my true love gave to me-
a top of the clock spiritual experience
11 hours of prayer and meditation
a 10 carat sparkle with a question to answer with yes or no
at least 9 promises
a thoughtful way to eng8ge a toxic cleanup
a 7th day to rest, reflect, and recharge
a 6 foot carriage to safety
a 5 alarm avalanche
a brand new self portrait, a new way to see "me" in 4 dimensions
a decision in 3 parts- i can't, god can, i think i'll let her
a 2nd chance
an opportunity to learn to listen and be heard

today's sound choice is massive attack and "angel" i love this vid...


absolutwillie said...

Merry Christmas, dear heart ;0)

Geoff said...

I really love this post. Beautiful. Wishing you a very Merry Christmas.

Northwest said...

If it is any comfort, many of your feelings and emotions mirror my own when criticism or attack come my way.

I find myself feeling and thinking thoughts of crouching, hiding, and turning inward. I see the line that can be traced back to my childhood response to certain drama. Ultimately it does not matter; it's just an intellectual exercise as it relates to how to live in the here and now.

But you obviously get that, since your blog is the here and now, and a wonderful mechanism and evidence of how you work admirably through your issues. I love watching you do this, and am inspired, always.

Much peace on this holy day, my friend.

Anonymous said...

Happy Holidays, Sweetheart. You couldn't have picked a better song for this beautiful piece.

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