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Wednesday, January 14, 2009

steady as she goes




sometimes i am in the middle of a good day and there is a switch that seems to go off (or on as it were) and i am in crisis. it is mostly in my head, i think, but it is incredibly challenging to navigate.

with seemingly no apparent reason, i find myself intuiting resentments and judgement from people that i interact with and feel horrible about ways that i have handled or addressed situations.

this will be one of the challenges for me. i am in a position that requires i interact with folks and i am challenged by my inability to do that comfortably.

my sponsor and i have spoken on many occasions about balance. i am not quite sure that i have understood on a personal level before now. i have a scale that is out of balance. there is not enough down time, or rod time, or time away from hiv/recovery politics and that reality has presented its challenges.

and for me, this is one very good reason i have tried to develop a spiritual program, as my own emotions will not steer me in a positive direction. i have to rely on something i trust. i have to fall back on faith during the challenging times, as that truly embodies the concept of faith.

i have to believe i am okay, i will be okay, and i am facing a good direction. even when, no especially when, it doesn't feel that way at all.

as many of my readers know, this is where the rubber hits the road in recovery. i need to address these blips or they have the potential of growing into polyps or worse. i am honestly grateful today for the sweet simplicity of letting go in trust.

today's sound choice is the raconteurs with their version of "steady as she goes"


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3 comments:

Wayward Son said...

It's funny how realizing that one is out of the moment brings one automatically into the present. I think faith works in a similar way. Realizing one is not using their faith will automatically bring them back into alignment with it. It's a good thing to have a spiritual program for that reason alone.

Northwest said...

I get thee same feelings, and form the same rash opinions, seemingly out of nowhere. It seems almost bipolar, although i am not that. It is very disturbing and robs one of inner peace, I think. I sometimes get such racing thoughts that I can't get back in control and have to leave the office for a bit to regain my composure.

Sheria said...

All I have to say is, "Uh-huh, I do that too."

Wonder where those feelings come from, what past damage gives birth to such insecurity that I cannot simply live in the good time instead of in crisis.

I like the concept of balance. It sounds like a good goal.

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