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Wednesday, January 14, 2009

steady as she goes

sometimes i am in the middle of a good day and there is a switch that seems to go off (or on as it were) and i am in crisis. it is mostly in my head, i think, but it is incredibly challenging to navigate.

with seemingly no apparent reason, i find myself intuiting resentments and judgement from people that i interact with and feel horrible about ways that i have handled or addressed situations.

this will be one of the challenges for me. i am in a position that requires i interact with folks and i am challenged by my inability to do that comfortably.

my sponsor and i have spoken on many occasions about balance. i am not quite sure that i have understood on a personal level before now. i have a scale that is out of balance. there is not enough down time, or rod time, or time away from hiv/recovery politics and that reality has presented its challenges.

and for me, this is one very good reason i have tried to develop a spiritual program, as my own emotions will not steer me in a positive direction. i have to rely on something i trust. i have to fall back on faith during the challenging times, as that truly embodies the concept of faith.

i have to believe i am okay, i will be okay, and i am facing a good direction. even when, no especially when, it doesn't feel that way at all.

as many of my readers know, this is where the rubber hits the road in recovery. i need to address these blips or they have the potential of growing into polyps or worse. i am honestly grateful today for the sweet simplicity of letting go in trust.

today's sound choice is the raconteurs with their version of "steady as she goes"



Wayward Son said...

It's funny how realizing that one is out of the moment brings one automatically into the present. I think faith works in a similar way. Realizing one is not using their faith will automatically bring them back into alignment with it. It's a good thing to have a spiritual program for that reason alone.

Northwest said...

I get thee same feelings, and form the same rash opinions, seemingly out of nowhere. It seems almost bipolar, although i am not that. It is very disturbing and robs one of inner peace, I think. I sometimes get such racing thoughts that I can't get back in control and have to leave the office for a bit to regain my composure.

Sheria said...

All I have to say is, "Uh-huh, I do that too."

Wonder where those feelings come from, what past damage gives birth to such insecurity that I cannot simply live in the good time instead of in crisis.

I like the concept of balance. It sounds like a good goal.

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