Wednesday, February 4, 2009
i'm not always sure about the steps i take or the moves i make. my style is not immersed in thinking things through thoughtfully. no, really i am much more about impulse and intuition in how i operate in the world.
this is not always a successful modus operandi. perhaps i have become honest to a fault. i speak before i think and subsequently i can be callous or thoughtless. at many junctures, i have found myself at odds with others within my line of vision. and on many occasions i have realized that i have raised the ire of one of my contemporaries. or at least i am pretty sure i have. i usually hear some scuttlebutt that someone has said to someone else. and i usually get hurt by the gossip and the inability for that person to speak with me directly. then my pattern is to follow this with feeling guilty about who i am and how i am and then on to feeling inappropriate and underserving of being in that particular situation, i.e. meeting, committee, etc.
i rarerly make a scene except by bowing out quietly. i am not at all interested in conflict and so it's much easier to just back off and let whomever have their desired control of "territory". it's easier on me, too. and somehow i usually manage to land on my feet, and another doorway of opportunity appears. naturally, following impulse and intuition, i will most likely walk through that doorway.
that has led me here. and here i am seeing one of my own character defects.
this whole recovery thing can be challenging