I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
somewhere along the line, this journey with sobriety shifted. early last year the bottom fell out from under me. i didn't know i had had called for it to happen, but i simply must have because happen it did. damn it has been scary. i tumbled through the emotional hole in the bottom and started feeling and re-feeling all sorts of things that i had never allowed myself (or never been strong enough). much of last year, i felt like fred flintstone in a time machine. madness. screeching tender madness.
but as is time's way, this madness i scratched and crawled through has begun to transform into something much warmer and more manageable. insight. please don't misunderstand. this is not deep and meaningful insight into myself. at least yet. but it is hopefully the germination of the ability to understand not just my feelings in a particular situation, but the reasons and some of the habits i have that lead me to these situations. it took a year and 1/2 of feeling victimized repeatedly (and experiencing it without a drink or other buffer) to realize that i am the person who keeps leading me into these situations. perhaps anyone else could have told me this, but i is different for me to realize this myself.
i am sure i do not have all this self mapping deciphered yet. there is work to be done. but just as a hard rain or flood can reveal an unknown buried treasure of some sort after the water recedes, so have i found that uncovered here are some views of my own patterns that were completely beyond my sight line.
more work certainly, but i really don't think i'd have it any other way. and frankly speaking, i don't really have a choice.
Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult - once we truly understand and accept it - then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters......M. Scott Peck
today's sound choice is a more obscure song from my 80's. this mortal coil with "the jeweller".... you may wanna turn it up slightly...